Keeping Friends

Nathan is doing very well in school but is definitely struggling lately to maintain friendships.  I know this problem is common in kids with Aspergers but it doesn't mean I have to like it or even accept it!  We talk with Nathan and try to explain what a friend is and how to keep friends and how to be kind and flexible and so forth but not all of it sinks in. 

I know he has a tendency to overreact when other kids are not doing things "the right way" or "the way you are supposed to" and that can push kids away.  He also doesn't understand when someone says, "I don't want to be your friend anymore."  He finds it an odd statement since nearly everyone is his friend.  It just plain doesn't make sense to him. 

But overall he is doing better than we expected and his teacher says he is participating more and more in group activities and playing with a wider range of playground equipment, colors, etc. 

Little Miss Emma has decided she should be in school and ask everyday when she will get to go.  But I also think she doesn't mind too much being home with mommy and cooking and even getting a bath in the middle of the day!  Not too shabby I say!

I will be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow! Hard to believe.  I am very uncomfortable at this point but it will all be worth it!

That's it for now!

Physical Therapy

Just a quick update.  Nathan's school finally hired a physical therapist which means as soon as this busy momma gets a chance I can go to Nathan's doctor to pick up his prescription for therapy and then he can start therapy at school.  He already does Occupational Therapy OT, and has made remarkable improvements but his balance and coordination still need work as well as some muscle weakness still present. 

This morning Nathan was in a terrible mood and crying and whining over everything and yelling at his sister and me!  He is supposed to have a play date today after school and I told him if he couldn't control himself I was cancelling.  Just before he got out of the van to go into school he blew me a kiss!  Very unusual for him.  I was just saying the other day how it's a shame he never seems excited to see me after school and doesn't seem to miss me so a blown kiss was special!

Nathan does not like the weekends because he said he would rather just stay at school.  We are happy he loves school so much but we also want him to understand that time with family is important. 

So that's about it for now! 

Orchestrated Steps

So I took Nathan to get a haircut today: I know  you are thinking, big deal, right?  But it's been years since I have taken him in because he tends to freak out.  I cut his hair myself it but it's not perfect at all.  He moves and complains and I've left the poor little guy with bald spots before when he turns at the wrong moment with the trimmer in my hand.  He doesn't like the noise the clippers make and he hates the hair pieces that get on him.  All in all, he HATES having his hair cut.


So yesterday I prepped him that I would be taking him in to get his hair cut.  He was not pleased.  He argued.  He complained.  He begged.

Today, I reminded him I was taking him in and he said, "Please, you just do it.  I think you do a good job."

But I told him with a wedding coming up I wanted his hair to look really good.

My intentions were to take him this morning but I spent all morning clearing out the kids room, cleaning up, rearranging.  (Nesting?) 

After lunch I took them to the park and dropped them off with Chris while I returned a DVD to the library but Chris found obscene writings and drawings on the park so I hurried back to the pick them up and we went to a different park.

I had intended to take him to get his hair done afterwards but it got too late so we came back, had a rest and a snack.

We went to a thrift store for a look around and then the moment of truth.  He was anxious as we went to Great Clips.  We walked in and the girl at the front desk said it would only be a minute and a woman came and said, "I can take you now."

Sometimes I hesitate to tell people, "Nathan, has Aspergers."  I want them to just treat him like any other five year old.

So I bumbled through a crazy, disjointed explanation of, "He's nervous and he might move around a lot. He doesn't like the sound of the clippers and he can get agitated."

She said, "I am sure he will do fine.  I'll take it slow."

"If you can just tell him what you are going to do first it will help."

Her reply, "My son is Autistic and hates having his hair cut so I know how to handle this."

"He has Aspergers!"

"That's what my son has," she replied with a smile.

And she was perfect!  Walked him through the whole thing and took her time and talked with him and she was wonderful!!!   And Nathan got a really nice hair cut.

Right person.  Right time.  Orchestrated steps..... 

And Nathan tore his clothes off as soon as he got into the house so he could have a shower to get the bits of hair off.  :)

"He Has Aspergers like you!" "Oh"

Where to start?

Nathan is officially in love with school.  He even boast about having no absences and makes sure to list who in his class has been absent before and how many times.  He knows EVERYONES name in his class and even kids from other classes.  When Chris called the school office about something he said he was calling regarding Nathan and the woman on the phone goes, "Nathan Tidball?  Oh, we know who he is!"  LOL  I bet they do!

Nathan actually does better during the week than on the weekends.  I think during the week he knows exactly what will happen and the schedule at school and he thrives on that!  Whereas our weekends are always different and we go places, run errands, get up later, etc. 

Nathan did report that he doesn't get along well with one girl and I won't go into details but the teacher has been made aware of what was happening and said she will take care of it.  We really like Nathan's teacher. 

We also have been informed that Nathan gets pulled out of class and gets to read to someone.  They said they are doing their best to challenge him.  I do admit we wish he could get into 1st grade for a more challenging education but at the same time I think he does well to be with kids his own age. 

Nathan knows the whole school schedule and what "special" they have every day. 

His first picture day is tomorrow and he said he HAD to have a red background for his picture.  His first field trip is Friday and I get to go with him!  Probably the first and only field trip I can attend since the baby will be here in February. 

We are having Nathan's birthday party early this year, in October.  A little girl from his class lives nearby and she comes and plays in the back yard with Nathan. Anyways, her mom called and said they would like to come to Nathan's party but she hesitated then said, "She has a brother who is nine and he has Aspergers and thinks he should get to go too."

I said, "No problem!  He is welcome!  Nathan has Aspergers too!"

She almost seemed excited and said she would like to talk and know what their options are.  Again, I feel so grateful we caught Nathan's early and he could spend a year at the Early Intervention and attend his social group and OT and PT.

I told Nathan about his friend's brother having Aspergers like him and he just said, "Oh."

Emma is enrolled in ballet.   She loves it!  And she is so cute in her tutu.

I am in my 6th month of pregnancy already.  Time seems to be passing fast.
 

We are Blessed

Well much has happened but it's becoming routine.  Nathan is loving school and hasn't really had any incidents.  The "incidents" that have popped up have been minor and settled at school.  He loves to go and they are trying to challenge him more especially with reading. 

Emma has been enjoying ruling the roost while Nathan is gone but today she really missed him.  She was being cranky and crying and I asked her what was wrong and she said she had no one to play with.  So I stopped my chores and played with her.  We colored for a long time together.  She kept calling me Nathan by accident ha ha!

We went Monday, the 26th, for an ultrasound.  My parents were able to come into the room with me and Chris was there along with Emma and Nathan.  It's hard sometimes doing ultrasounds and listening to the heartbeat and NOT thinking about baby #3.  I am happy about the little girl doing somersaults in my belly but my heart still aches at times.  You never get over the loss of a child no matter if you lose them at 3 months into your pregnancy or when they are older.  You learn to cope and you heal. 

For my ultrasound this time we were in the very same room as we went into one late morning on January 20th when we were scared.  Hopeful.  Prayerful.  The same room where the tech shook her head and said she was sorry.  The same room where we were told our baby had died.  I tried not to think of that as I lay on the table Monday.  The baby was literally doing flips in the womb and was so active the ultrasound tech said she had a hard time taking measurements because the baby kept moving. 

Nathan was devastated and cried when he found out the baby was a girl.  He wanted a brother so badly.  I had a feeling all along it was a girl and I was right.  I have a feeling the baby I lost was a boy... guess I have a 50/50 chance of being right with that too. 

Though I would never wish to lose a child, never hope to go through such pain- a part of me is grateful.  Don't get me wrong.  Like I said I would not choose this.  But losing a baby has given me the ability to better understand the loss of a child in the womb.  And like any heartache I was given the opportunity to be held by the Savior when I was too weak to even stand. 

Like a broken sheep that must be held close to the Shepherd's chest while it begins to mend; I was held tight the Savior.  During the times my grief seemed too heavy to bear the Shepherd whispered words to my aching heart.  Words meant only for me. 

Let me tell you; once you've been broken, once you've been held close by the Shepherd and touched by the Healer; you are never the same.  How could you be? 

Sometimes my heart aches at the fact that we are preparing a crib for this baby, readying our home, our children, and even clothes for the baby's arrival.  This was supposed to be for baby #3.  We should have had a nearly two month old keeping us awake at night but instead I am 5, almost 6, months pregnant with baby #4.

And I am smitten.  Every roll, every kick, every time I hear her precious heart beating with that Doppler I am grateful.  We can't think what MIGHT have been.  We can only move forward.  I know I will see baby #3 in heaven one day.  I am certain of it. 

We are blessed. 

School & Story

So Nathan is doing well at school!  He really is enjoying going and though Chris and I think it's academically a bit of a waste of time it's definitely good for him!  His teacher spotted me today and talked to me for a few minutes.  She said Nathan is doing very well and she seemed excited about it.  I think they all thought he would be more of a challenge.

It's very quiet during the day with him gone.  He makes a lot of weird noises and he is very loud and with him gone the house is very quiet!  Emma seems very content to do her thing! 

Today we walked to school..... well Nathan and Emma rode their scooters and I walked.  The trip there was fine.  Took 15 minutes but coming back was another story.  Emma fell and got the tiniest scrape EVER and decided it was life threatening enough to whine about it the whole way home... and mommy ended up carrying her scooter and Nathan's.  Not fun. 

Nathan's teacher did say she plans on doing her best to get Nathan moved to 1st grade reading.  I could tell the way she was saying it implied she really believed K reading was a waste of time for him. 

Also I am 18 weeks pregnant today!  Hooray! 

And I submitted my story to a contest and I am praying hard I will win because if I do I get published!  Hooray!

Better Late than Never

Trying to send out a quick update!

Today we meet with Nathan's teacher and then directly afterwards we meet with the school psychologist to get the 504 in place and to discuss the PT and OT Nathan will continue to receive.

Pray that we can talk with his teacher in a way that does not offend.  We have no problems with the Kindergarten curriculum but we want to make it clear that Nathan will need "more" than what might be being offered.  We were sent home a paper of what Nathan must know by the END of the year and he already knows these things. 

We also would like prayer that he will find good friends who are good influences.  Nathan is very much an imitator. 

He officially starts school on Thursday.  I am excited for him but also nervous.  He has never been to daycare, never to a pre-k, and not even in a Sunday nursery.    He's always been mine to watch and care for and now from 9-3:15 I have to trust someone else to do the job I have done for the last five, almost 6 years now. 

On other news I have made it to my 16th week of my pregnancy and it seems to be going well.  I have an appointment on Thursday after I drop Nathan off at school.

Emma is busy doing her thing.  I have told her she needs to work on her letters and numbers this year.  She will start Kindergarten next year and she could care less about numbers and letters. 

Today is also our wedding anniversary.  8 years!

I will apologize in advance for any typo's or spelling errors as I don't really have time to do a good edit. 

Wings As Eagles

It's been a while since I have updated my blog.  Not too many "new" things are happening at the moment.  Nathan will attend his last social group on Tuesday.  He is a little sad about this but he is also excited about starting school in September.  He will have one more OT session with Americ about mid- August.  It's been challenging to take Nathan to so many places and to so many appointments but we remain so grateful that the Lord so easily opened so many doors for Nathan.  We have seen many improvements.

When Nathan first attended his social group his teacher said her biggest concern was that he refused to interact with the other students and was only interested in talking to the adults in the room.  Now, Nathan has made friends and his best friend there is Alex. 

Now, without further delay I am going to tell you what happened at Greenwood Hills these last few days.  I wanted to write about this yesterday but I didn't have access to my computer then. 

We were able to attend the second family camp at Greenwood Hills from Wednesday night through Saturday afternoon.  My parents were there since my dad was one of the speakers.

  There was a little boy named Andrew there with his family.  Andrew is five years old just like Nathan.  He is a precious little boy.  But unlike Nathan, Andrew can not run.  Andrew can not walk.  Andrew can not talk.  He has spinal bifida. 

Below is a picture of Nathan with his friend, Andrew. 

Nathan went up to Andrew and talked to him.  He said, "Mom, Andrew doesn't talk to me."

I told Nathan that Andrew talked to him in other ways.  "When Andrew looks at you it means he is listening to what you are saying.  When Andrew smiles it means he likes what you are saying to him."  That was all it took.  Every day, several times a day, Nathan went right up to Andrew and would talk to him.  He asked questions and showed Andrew where he was missing his two front teeth. 

Nathan sincerely enjoyed spending time with Andrew and his family.  And in these last few days at camp I watched something beautiful unfold between the two of them.  Maybe Andrew could not speak in sentences but he spoke volumes.  I watched on the last day as Andrew's parents finished packing.  They put Andrew in the foyer and every single person who walked by Andrew stopped to tell him hello or say something to him.  And I watched their faces and I saw them smile.  Andrew, dear, precious Andrew, without saying a word was bringing joy to people.

His parents were wonderful.  They always were smiling and always looked happy.  I loved to watch the way Andrew would respond to his mom.  When he got noisy she'd tap his leg and he'd calm right down. 

So I said on facebook that yesterday Nathan was breaking my heart in all the best ways and that he made me cry.  But these were tears of both joy and absolute heartache.  After spending several days with Andrew, Nathan had really become attached to him.  Other children seemed to be nervous and unsure around Andrew but not Nathan. 

Some people might say, "Nathan is broken!  He has Aspergers.  There is something wrong with him!"

I've come to realize it's people like Nathan and Andrew who we should try to be more like.  Don't get me wrong.  Nathan had some challenges at camp.  We had a complete meltdown at the pool and he had a meltdown in the Annex over a basketball game.  It was hard.  But there is a quality that Nathan possesses that few others do.  Nathan hold no prejudice of any sort.  Everyone is his friend.  Everyone is someone to be talked to and socialized with.  It's beautiful really.  Nathan sees past what other's fear. 

And some might angrily cry out, "How could God do that to Andrew?  How could God leave him unable to talk and walk?!" 

Do not miss the beauty of a little boy like Andrew.  Remember how I told you how everyone who walked by him stopped to say hello and they smiled!  Smiled!  Andrew brings joy to people without ever saying a word to them. 

Now to tell you something Nathan said that made me cry when I took my shower that night.  Nathan said, "Mom, I am going to pray every day that God will teach Andrew to walk."    I told Nathan how proud I was of him and how happy Andrew would be to know that he was praying for him.  And later in my solitude I gave into the emotions and I wept hard in the shower.  I prayed for Andrew and his family and I thanked God for my sensitive little boy.  I also asked God to help me have more faith like a child's.  It was an emotional week as well since we have just surpassed the weeks in my pregnancy that we lost baby #3.  And I thanked God for baby #4 who thus far is growing well and doing ok!

Nathan has no doubt that praying for Andrew and asking God to help him walk will do just that.  He has no fears, no misgivings, no doubt at all in God's ability to teach Andrew to walk.  Later when I talked to Chris I said, "What if we all prayed like that?  What if we all started to pray with no doubts in God's ability?  What if we prayed with child like faith?  No science or facts or books to sway our thoughts or make us doubt.  Can you imagine what would happen?"

Maybe boys like Nathan and Andrew are not broken like the world would like to think.  Maybe it's the rest of us who are broken and when we pray and ask for something we begin to doubt even as the words leave our lips. 

Nathan laughed with absolute joy when I told him how one day, no matter what happened here on earth, that in heaven Andrew's body would be perfect.  He would not need his wheelchair and Nathan would see him running down the streets of gold.  Nathan was thrilled.  His response?  "Mom, when I get to heaven I am going to find Mr. Tim (taught the kid's meetings) and Andrew and give them a high five on the street of gold."

"But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly...well maybe not ugly...

Let's start with the good.  Chris and I are expecting again!  We saw the heart beating when I was 6 weeks 5 Days.  The baby was very tiny but very much there!  We are excited but also nervous.  The Lord has really spoken to my heart these days, telling me to trust Him in all things, to have faith, and to believe.  No matter what happens, be it good or bad, He is in control! Always!

I have not updated much because I have been very tired....and also pretty sick lately.  But I also have not updated because Chris and I got some news that we are still trying to figure out and wrap our heads around.  After having door after door open wide for us with absolute ease we had a door close in our face just as we were about to step through.  We are literally between a rock and a hard place.  No decision we make is a good one or an easy one.

Basically the TSS and the BSC that Nathan was one step away from getting is now just past that door that slammed closed.  Act 64 was a law put into place to help families, there was a good idea behind it, but it is also hurting many families and we happen to be one of them.  Without going into many details we originally were going to get Nathan's services for free but now they will cost us....a big sum.  So we have no good options basically.  We go forward and pay a large sum or we stand still and Nathan does not get the aid to go to school with him. 

We've been told if Nathan has enough behavioral issues the school will then be forced to give him an aid.  But who knows!

In all this, we DO KNOW that the Lord is in control!  He is holding us in His hands and guiding us along every step of the way.  We are disappointed to say the least, we are unsure which way to go, and so we ask that you pray with us for wisdom and guidance in making the right decision. 

Quick Update

Monday's meeting went well.

We are awaiting final approval but it looks like Nathan will get 10 hrs of a TSS.  This person will go to school with him 10 hrs a week.  And 4 hours of a BSC.  This is a Behavioral Specialist Clinician, for the home. 

The last two afternoons Nathan has really lost it and become very upset.  I'm babysitting a 8 yr old girl this summer and it's throwing his schedule off.  We just need to figure it all out.  Step by step!

Please remember to pray for our dear friends Terri Blount and Trey Love.

http://terriblount10.blogspot.com/

http://www.causes.com/causes/124694

Jeopardy Blues

We are considering banning Jeopardy in our home.

Why?  Is it the content?  No.  Is it our kids picking up bad habits?  No.  It's the fact that when our little Nathan, at five years old, only gets one or two answers right....he gets really angry and upset.  Friday he was so angry and annoyed that Jeopardy dared make the show so hard on Friday night that he could only answer one question.

He went to bed in tears.  Poor guy.

Today I ran a few errands while Chris was home with the kids.  Nathan called me on my cell phone all in tears because he didn't get a turn on a swing when he wanted.  I told him to wait and to share but he just bawled.  Sigh. 
We went to a birthday today for a friend who turned fifty.  They have a son who is nine and he has Autism.  He and Nathan got along great today and Nathan didn't have any tantrums or blow ups.  He did get upset when it was time to go but it didn't last too long.  It was so nice to talk to this boy's mom because she gets it!  She is living it!  It's amazing how similar Nathan and this boy are but also so different.  The spectrum of Autism seems to be both wide and vast.

Tomorrow is father's day!  We are grilling steak and ribs.  yumm

Monday, we begin to watch the neighbor girl while her mom goes to work.  She and Nathan and Emma get along pretty well.  Monday is also a big day because we will go to the psychologist to ask for approval for Nathan's wrap around services.  Nikki will come with us.  I pray this door opens as easily as all the other ones have.

Inserts!

Nathan is doing great with his new orthotic inserts.  He says they make him run really fast and jump farther.  They said it could take time to get used to them and he might need to wear them like an hour a day but he is doing great.  No complaints.

He seems to be really happy about them and told everyone.

A minor victory but a good victory.

Our van was in the shop for repairs under warranty.  The kids have wireless headphones for the dvd player in the van and both headphones were broken.  Under the warranty they gave us two new pair!  We thought the kids would be thrilled but Nathan had a royal fit.  He had a meltdown and was crying because he wanted his old headphones.  Not new ones.  It's amazing what sets him off.  He doesn't like change!

Break Time!

I haven't written much lately because #1 My computer is a piece of junk and half the time doesn't work.  It took me 20 minutes just to get to this point of writing this!  #2 There isn't too much to say right now.

Nathan's last day at his Thursday social group was today.  He is moving to Tuesdays and that starts up again in July.  I have to admit it will be nice to have a bit of a break.  It's tiring to make that trek out to Norristown every week.  The same goes for his OT and PT.  There will be a break.

The 20th of this month Nikki and I will meet the psychologist to try and get approval for wrap around services. 

With school fast approaching it's essential we get these services in place ASAP.

On other news my poor vegetable garden is withering and struggling in the heat.  My peas have all but died. 

Nathan has his last PT tomorrow until July.  He will get his orthotics put in tomorrow as well.  It will be interesting what he thinks to wearing them.

Good News

Miss Nikki, who is doing Nathan's FBA, came out this Tuesday to talk with me and observe Nathan playing with the neighbor.

Last week she had observed him at his social group.  Nikki said Nathan and another boy named Alex have developed quite the friendship.  I knew this.  She also said Nathan would incessantly  talk even when he was not supposed to.  She also observed him rubbing Alex's head and when I asked if Alex cared she said, "No.  Alex seemed to like it."  Ha ha

Nathan is desperate to have a play date with Alex so I gave his mom my e-mail today. 

Nikki also said Nathan shouted and overacted several times during class. 

So Nikki said after observing Nathan at home, in his class, and at home some more she is going to recommend him for wrap around services.  THIS IS A GOOD THING!  He will be recommended for a BS and a TSS.  A BS is a Behavioral Specialist who will outline a plan and work with us here in the home.  A TSS is a Therapeutic Staff Support.  This person will go to school with Nathan for a few hours a day during the week.  This is the BEST part! 

The TSS will be at school to step in if Nathan gets upset or overreacts and will immediately work on teaching a coping skill.  They can help in a playground or lunch scenario; places where the noise and crowds could very possibly overwhelm Nathan.

The next step is seeing a psychologist, AGAIN, to get the approval of the services recommended by Nikki.  Nikki will be with me when we see the psychologist and be able to give her input.

We thank the Lord as He opens these doors so easily for us.  We have not had any problems with getting what Nathan needs.  While other families are struggling to get services we have had every door open wide for us and we see the Lord's hand in this. 

We do ask for prayer as we consider moving Nathan to a Tuesday social group.  His friend Alex is going to the Tuesday group and Nathan would like to stay with Alex.  But this means leaving his other friends. 

We have one week to decide. 

And please continue to pray for our dear friends, the Blounts.    I am inserting a link.
http://terriblount10.blogspot.com/

Also please pray for Trey Love. 
http://www.causes.com/causes/124694

Thanks!

Orthotics

Nathan had physical therapy today and a new therapist was working with him.  At the end of his session he was tired and angry.  He usually is.  But his therapist asked me if anyone had ever told us Nathan needed orthotics in his shoes due to his arch collapsing and throwing him off balance.

OOPS!

Yes, we were told this already but due to certain circumstances we never followed through.

Long story short:  Tomorrow night Chris and I have to take Nathan to Trappe again and have him fitted for orthotics and HOPEFULLY our insurance will pay for these. 

After his fitting we have to get a script from his doctor and after that we have to see if insurance will pay for these.  Not sure how long this process will take but I am sure it will take some time!

Nathan worked so hard at therapy and was so worn out I got him a Philly pretzel on the way home.  He loves those. 

Keeping Up

* My spell check is still not working so forgive my terrible spelling....anyone know how to fix it?


I started blogging about Nathan to keep family and friends updated and so I could give one easy update to everyone instead of repeating myself on the phone over and over. 

Yet, I always tell myself I'll update my blog later.  Then of course I end up telling 5-6 people the same thing about Nathan and what's happening with him.  So in the end; it will be easier if I just keep this up to date! 

Emma has been complaining her ear hurts but she also has a cold, so it's always hard to tell if it's an ear infection or just pressure from her cold.  She continues to make us laugh and pull our hair out!  What a stubborn and sweet little girl!  We can only hope one day she will be stubbornly grounded in the Word of God!

Update on Nathan:

Nikki did return and she met with Nathan.  She asked if we had a board game so I got out Candy Land.  Nikki played with Emma and Nathan and I watched.  Nathan began to get agitated quickly, he always does with board games.  I asked Nikki if she wanted me to step in as I usually would or to just let Nathan "do his thing."

She said she knew it would be hard but she wanted me to not interfere as much as possible. 

What unfolded in the next hour was both eye opening and sad.  Nathan had tantrum after tantrum and would run off to his room and yell and cry.  He shouted at Emma and was devasted when he lost the game and gloated and was rude when he won.  He ignored Nikki with she said "I'm so sad I am not winning," and showed no empathy or concern. 

Normally I am there to stop the tantrums before they happen.  I diffuse Nathan.  So sitting back and just letting him go was interesting and saddening to see how often these tantrums happened.  It also opened my eyes to realize how often, sometimes without realizing it, I am diffusing Nathan through out a day.  It is exhausting.   It makes me wonder what will happen at school when I am not there.

There is such much we could worry or stress about when it comes to Nathan but I know there is little point in worrying the day away.  My time would be so much better spent in prayer.  Don't you think?

Nikki said she appreciated me letting her "see" Nathan.  I told her she was the first person who has been working with Nathan to ever really see him the way we as a family see him.  We've gotten good at hiding and diffusing. 

Chris admitted to me the other day he always tells people that Nathan has a very mild form of Aspergers.  I told him I said the same.  It is our defense.  It's easier.  It gets less questions if we say it's mild.  People don't usually understand.  They say, "He's fine" "Are you sure?" "Really?" "He's normal!"  "He's great!"  

I said to Nikki I just wish sometimes people could spend a day with my family and see what REALLY goes on.  She said many parents feel alone and feel like people just don't understand.  In some ways I guess it's a good thing people don't see what we see. 

I also found it interesting when my parents were here and we went out to eat.  They sat us at a table right next to the door where people come in and go out and next to candy and toy machines.  Nathan wouldn't eat.  I had to feed him.  He was too busy looking at all the people and listening to the noise and talking about the candy machines.  I felt ok with my parents there.  I didn't need to explain why I was feeding my five year old son.  I had two choices.  Feed him.  Or not feed him.  If I didn't feed him he would have never eaten and he would have been hungry. 

Today was challenging.  With rising food prices we are definately shopping around more.  We went to two grocery stores today.  After we got home I had to put the groceries away.  The kids had lost their TV priviledges at the grocery store for misbehaving.  After I put the groceries away I made the kids lunch and lunch for Chris and I. Next I had to empty the dishwasher and vacuum and clean because Nathan's OT would be coming soon!

His OT arrived about an hour and a half after we got back from the store. 

Tomorrow is Physical Therapy.  Wednesday will hopefully be a play date.  Thursday is social group and Nikki will be there to observe Nathan.  I can't even remeber what Friday is supposed to be.

Now I have a splitting headache so I am off to bed!

Short & Sweet

Please forgive any spelling errors as my spell check seems to not be working! Uh oh!



I have been too busy to update much but the meeting with Nikki went really well.


Nathan is now "officially" diagnosed with Aspergers with a possible sensory disorder as well. (Could be why he gets so overwhelmed in large groups)


We were at Greenwood Hills, a camp, over the weekend. Emma had a great time and now wants to live there. She went right into the nursery and loved it.

Nathan went to the children's meeting and the first time was a disaster. Chris found him sitting with one of the adults on the couch, shut down, and a mess. They said he lost it after about five minutes and wouldn't calm down to go back in. We felt really bad and didn't want Nathan to be a distraction to the other kids. We did explain about his Aspergers and they insisted that we could try with him again. They were great with him.


I wanted to give up and just let him sit with us but Chris said he should try again. So we did and Nathan did great for the next few meetings! YAY! He also did really well when they had a late night snack in a room that got pretty loud. It didn't seem to bother him. Once he falls into a "routine" he seems to take things better.

He ran around trying to tell everyone what they should be doing, shouldn't be doing, and shouting, and trying to control everyone. Thankfully there were some boys and girls who seemed to accept his quirky self and played with him and even helped him get to the kid's meetings.



Tomorrow, Nikki, will return and meet Nathan. I don't know exactly what she is going to do. It's called a FBA or functional behavioral analysis. She will pretty much follow him around a while.



In the end she will determine what help and services we will end up getting.



That's it for now!



Busy week. Play date with a friend today.



Remember to keep praying for Ning Tan, Trey Love, and Terri Blount. I've included a few links below.


http://terriblount10.blogspot.com/?spref=fb

http://www.causes.com/causes/124694-support-trey-love

Go AWAY!

Tomorrow a woman named Nikki will come to our home and tell us what the psychiatrist thinks about Nathan.  This should be a old hat to us.  It will be the third time we have done this. 

Part of me feels like just being done with it all!  Maybe I don't need to hear what she has to say.  Maybe I don't want to know what that psychiatrist thinks about my little guy.  Maybe I think we are doing just fine by Nathan. 

But the other part of me says, "We need help!"  There are days when Nathan does fine and he seems like any typical five year old.  There are others days when we feel like we just don't "get him" and his strange way of thinking. 

He is our little nutty professor.  He can talk about things that most twenty year oldsdon't know and memorize huge amounts of information.  But then he can't figure out simple things.  He lacks common sense.  He gets so easily frustrated and wants to give up on everything!  He gets so anxious.  We want help with that.  We want him to cope with these frustrations he feels.  We don't want him to end up in tears several times a day about "small" things.

So we trudge forward. 

I am not nervous about tomorrow.  I am weary thinking about tomorrow. 

We want what is best for Nathan.  We want to help.  We do not want to over-diagnose.  We don't want to force him into a cookie cutter shape of what someone else things he should be. 

Tell me how to help him when he is surrounded by people and he shuts down or panics or just cries.  Tell me how to help him have fun at events.  Tell me how to teach him to cope better with his many frustrations.  But don't tell me how to raise him. 

All I can say is, "Bring it on."

Check this out

I found this video about Aspergers very interesting.

It is about a man who has Aspergers and gives some insight into what it might be like for people with Aspergers. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAfWfsop1e0&feature=related

Observations

Time for an update!

As you know Nathan had gone to Creative Services for an eval and today I finally got a call back!

Unfortunately she did not have his papers in front of her and still could not tell me what the psychiatrist said! Grr.  But she said there was a definite diagnosis but she couldn't remember what is was! Go figure.

Anyways, Tuesday, a woman named Nikki will come to the house, (yay for not using gas to go somewhere!) and talk to me and go over the eval and gather information.  Next she was observe Nathan at home and at school and gather data.  After that she can tell us what services he would need. 

Please also remember to hold up in prayer those who really need it right now!  Terri Blount, mother to ten, battling cancer.  Trey Love, who is so sick from his chemo.  He has been throwing up and his parents have had to re-insert his tube down his poor little throat.  Ning Tan, who has made some progress.  And so many others! 

YMCA Day

After church this morning we came home and ate Supper. 

We had leftover grilled chicken, plaintains, saifun noodles, and cauliflower and carrots.  Yumm.

After supper we went to YMCA because they were having a fun day for the kids.  They had a petting zoo outside and then inside their gym they had a moonbounce, face painting and lots of vendors giving away books, toys, balloons, and even Philly pretzels. 

Nathan did really well even though it was crowded.  He did start to get agitated after about half an hour and started to really cling to Chris.  Nathan also tends to loose focus and starts zoning out and wandering off and just spacing out.  It's hard to keep him out of other's people's way and make sure he keeps follwing us. 

But overall, Nathan did really well.  The kiddos had fun.  Tomorrow, Nathan has OT and Tuesday I was supposed to go back to Creative Services to sign paperwork but it's also our last Ladie's meeting so I need to call and reschudule!

You're up to date!  Some pics below.

A Day in the Life of Aspergers

When people find out Nathan has Aspergers we get a wide range of replies.




“Are you sure?”



“What is it?”



“But he is so smart!”



“But he seems just fine!”



Aspergers is a funny thing because it does not affect the way Nathan looks and we have days where it does not affect the way he behaves.



But then there are days like yesterday and today where living with Aspergers is more real, more evident, and definitely harder to deal with.



Yesterday was a gorgeous day and the sun was shining. We went to a Healthy Lifestyles Expo. Anyone who knows us knows this thing is true: The Tidball’s love a good deal and we love FREE! They serve a healthy (free!) lunch at the Expo and have vendors that give away chocolate and cookies, pens, notepads, reusable shopping bags, and magnets. Nathan did pretty well but being around crowds tends to make him anxious. He does not worry or fret but he gets upset and whiny and we know he is uncomfortable. We didn’t stay too long and Nathan did well.



You have to keep constant vigil on him because he has a tendency to wander off or to daydream and not follow where we are going.



This morning started off with a tantrum. Chris made breakfast and announced he was making fried eggs. Nathan thought this meant eggs with French fries so he freaked out and ran to his room and cried for a good long time. We couldn’t calm him down until I said, “Nathan, calm down and come eat or you can’t come with us to the egg hunt today.”



He complied but only ate parts of his egg. He said, “This part of my egg is hard and I am not eating it!”



Chris said, “It’s not hard. That’s bologna!”



Nathan, always literal, replied, “No. I said it’s a hard egg not bologna, dad.”



Next we went to Branch Creek community church for an Easter Egg hunt. This place is huge! There were so many people there. They had everything indoors due to the rain. Everything indoors was great to avoid the rain but a nightmare for Nathan who was being bumped and crowded at every turn. It took about ten minutes for Nathan to get agitated. He began to whine and cry and moan and complain. Chris asked him, “What is bothering you?”



Nathan said all the people and the noise were bothering him. Before his diagnosis we would have thought he was being cranky and whiney and not having fun. It would have frustrated us as parents as well.



Now we understand. Now we “get” it.

Chris kept him close and held his hand and I rubbed his head. He likes when I rub his head. Nathan asked to leave several times but it wouldn’t have been fair to Emma to miss out on all the fun.



Nathan did break down in tears but we calmed him down and got him to stop by telling him if he wanted his face painted he had to stop or else they wouldn’t be able to paint his face. He stopped and let them paint his face.

We didn’t stay much longer but the time we did stay was spent trying to keep him calm and reassure him that he was going to be all right.



Most of our time spent at activities and family outings are spent keeping Nathan calm and in line and trying to avoid tears and tantrums. Sometimes it works and sometimes like today he is just overwhelmed and you have to deal with his breakdowns as they come.

Emma had a great time and patiently waited in lines and played the games and helped herself to plenty of candy. She high-fived the Easter bunny and held hands when she was supposed to.



Chris and I often question whether or not we should take Nathan to these sorts of things. He always ends up frustrated, upset, and anxious, and pretty much always ends up in tears.



But when we ask him if he had fun he says he did….. sometimes I think Nathan does have fun but gets easily overwhelmed. Sometimes I think it’s less fun for Chris and I as we constantly deal with having to keep him calm, talk him through situations, and comfort him when the tears come.



We have also realized that Nathan finds electronics soothing. Whether that means letting him play on his computer, play his V-Smile, or even watch TV. That is how he decompresses. And after a day like today I think we all need a little decompressing.

After the egg hunt we went to Nana's for lunch and a visit. 

Blowing Raspberries

I have little to say but for those who are wondering how today's appointment went....well...if I could blow a raspberry and you could hear it...I would. 

It was a frustrating and annoying and somewhat disappointing experience.  I nearly walked out after the first 10 minutes.

For those who didn't see my other update: Nathan and I met with a psychologist from Creative Services today.

The man was.... ego centric??  I don't even know.  I didn't like him.  I didn't like what he had to say.  Hey, maybe he lost a few of his marbles along the way....

I did not like his "let me pin every diagnosis I have ever seen on your kid and medicate him up and I am the coolest psychologist in the world and I have helped famous people." 

All right, all right.  So maybe he didn't say those exact words but you get the picture right?

In the end I came to the conclusion that I don't care.

He agreed with a diagnosis of Aspergers....I think...let me tell you that this guy talked so stinkin' fast and used so much crazy terminology that I walked out with my head spinning.

So if Nathan  ends up with services that is great.  If not... well, I will be happy to wash my hands of that guy!

Co-Pilot

Today I did something I have been wanting to do but emotionally I wasn’t ready. Completing my project meant I would be done with my little memory box and have no real need to go back inside and look through the contents. I am free at any point to open my memory box and shift through the contents but today marks the last “need” to do so.



I made a frame in memory of baby #3. You can see the picture below.

On either side are dried flowers from bouquets that were sent to us. And in the middle a picture of an adult’s hand reaching out to a child’s hand. It might be hard to read what’s in the middle frame so I’ll type it out here.



Below the picture it says: Baby # 3 We loved you from the moment we became aware of your precious life. You went from my womb and straight into the arms of Jesus. The Lord is faithful. Due date August 11, 2011.



Then the following quotes were used below that:



“An angel in the Book of Life wrote down my baby’s birth; then quietly whispered as he closed the book, ‘Too beautiful for earth.’”



“The best and most beautiful things on the world cannot be seen, nor touched, but are felt in the heart.” Helen Keller



“Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn’t get the change will you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?”



The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21





I am not yet sure where will hang the frame. The kid’s really liked it. Nathan said, “Let’s break a hole in the wall to hang the picture.”



I am part of a Miscarriage and Grief support forum and my heart just breaks when someone new joins our group. The question most asked is “Why?” or “Why did my baby die?”



Some of the same people who in one sentence will type, “I don’t believe in God or some plan He has for my life,” will type a little later, “Why did God take my baby?” They say they don’t believe in God but blame God for taking their baby.



The truth?



Deep down we all know who really made us. His name is etched into our inmost being that He skillfully and carefully formed. We want to ignore God, deny God, push Him out of schools, our home, and even our churches. There is no place for God in our modern day society. God is outdated. And yet when tragedy strikes who do we turn to? People cry out to a God who they previously dismissed. They blame a God they claim does not exist. Do you not see this warped way of thinking?



I look at my box of mementos that contain a few memories of our third child and sometimes I ask myself, “Why?” Why is it so healing to hold onto to these things?



Because we are human and we want something tangible to see and hold and touch. It’s a confirmation of life.



People want a confirmation of God’s existence too. They say, “But you believe in God who you have never seen.”



True. I have never seen my Savior face to face but that does not mean He is an unseen God. You have never seen the wind. But you believe the wind is real. Why? Why believe in something you can’t see or touch?



Because you can see the effects of the wind; you see the trees sway and you feel the wind in your hair. You know it’s real because you have experience it. I have experience my Savior. I have felt His arms around me. I have felt the peace that passes understanding. I have seen His hand leading and guiding me all the way. I have seen His light shining in the darkness of my grief. I felt His love wrapped around me.



Let me make this clear. I do not believe in an emotional gospel. I do not have to “feel” saved to be assured of my salvation. “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.” All you have to do is ask. All you have to do is believe that you have sinned and you deserved death. And deserving death we face the penalty only to be freed and have our chains broken by Jesus who took our place on the cross. He has paid it all. There is nothing left that needs to be done because on the cross Jesus declared , “It is finished.” Trying to earn your salvation by being good or going to church or performing rituals or crying at every church meeting will not do you any good. Jesus has paid what was owed. This is one area where you can not buy your way into a place.



Salvation is free and readily available to all who will but ask. But the Lord will not extend His mercy forever. There comes a day when your time is up. As Jesus hung on the cross two thieves hung there with him. One ridiculed him and mocked him but the other said, “We deserve to be here but this man does not!” He then asked Jesus to remember him when he entered into his kingdom and Jesus assured the thief that very day the thief would join Him in paradise. It was right after that moment that darkness fell. What of the other thief? It was too late. His time was up. Darkness fell and he was lost. One lost. One saved. Both offered the same salvation.



I’ve seen bumper stickers and have heard people say, “God is my co-pilot.”



What a flawed way of thinking. If God is co-pilot you are sitting in the wrong seat. You are probably flying off course and heading in the wrong direction. God should be your pilot. He should be leading and guiding and directing you and you need to follow in His footsteps. His yolk is easy and His burden is light. He will not lead us somewhere where He is not able to see us through.



So as I find a special spot to hang my little frame, my small but tangible reminder of a life started and a life lost. I will always hold close to my heart the promises of my dear Savior to finish a work which He began in me, to walk with me all the way, to carry me when I can not stand, to hold me when I am broken, to mend the brokenness, and to heal my heart. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. His promises are sure. I stand on a solid, immovable rock and face the storms of life. Never alone. Never forsaken.

“Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Saviour, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? take it to the Lord in prayer;

in his arms He'll take and shield thee, thou wilt find a solace there.

Blessed Saviour, Thou hast promised, Thou wilt all our burdens bear

May we ever, Lord, be bringing, all to Thee in earnest prayer.

Soon in glory bright unclouded, there will be no need for prayer

Rapture, praise and endless worship, will be our sweet portion there.”

Whirlwind Day

Phew! What a day!

Up at 6:45 and out the door at 8:00 only to creep in traffic and arrive at Nathan's social group at 9:00.  Poor Nathan, I forgot his backpack with his home-work in it so he was upset with me.  Emma was mad at me too for forgetting her brother's back pack.  His teacher let me help him fill in an extra homework page she had and that made Nathan happy. 

Then Emma and I went to Aldi's.  We picked up some candy to fill Easter eggs for church. 

Next stop was Wal-mart.  I had a good talk on my cell with a friend who shared some encouraging words about Nathan starting school.  :)  Then back to pick up Nathan.  His class learned about Rude Dude who did not take turns talking and did not listen to his friend.  They made a book about Rude Dude and I am going to make sure we read it with Nathan often!

On the way home we stopped at Nathan's. (That hot dog place)  Nathan has been wanting to eat there since it has name on the sign.  Nathan said, "I bet they have mac n cheese from Sweden"

I said, "Umm, no, they have hot dogs."

Nathan said, "Seriously?"

Ha ha!

Even though they did not have mac-n-cheese from Sweden, Nathan enjoyed his hot dog and so did Emma.

We got home around 12:30.  I opened all the bags of candy I bought and started to fill plastic eggs, with Nathan's help, when we both realized that the big bag of mixed candy I bought contained pieces of candy that were way too big for the little plastic eggs!  Oops!

1:30 We left for Creative Services and met with Lauren.  Nathan and Emma were both very tired.  I met with Lauren and basically recited all the things I have recited over and over to a myriad of people by now.  Then she asked me, "So what are Nathan's strengths?"

And I stopped.

It took me a minute because not one person who has tested Nathan or asked about Nathan in this horrible long process has ever asked me that.  It was so nice to be able to tell her about his good qualities and the wonderful things he can do!  Finally some positive amidst the negative!

Long story short I am VERY, VERY, happy with the way the appointment with.  Nathan will meet with their psychologist.  This will be the third psychologist he will have seen.  And then we can move forward.  Lauren said she believes there will be no problem diagnosing the Aspergers as he seems to be a "typical" case.   And here is where my excitement begins.  If he is diagnosed they can offer us wrap around services and behavior specialist and if needed someone to go to school with him and observe and offer the teacher ways to help Nathan and even help Nathan cope with some of his anxiety!  They will also help Chris and I know how to deal and cope with certain things related to his Aspergers!  Yay!

We stopped at the Farmer's Daughter's Market on the way home because who could drive right by and not stop?  I picked up Nathan's favorite, sesame sticks.

When we got home Nathan was just done.  He went right to his room and closed the door.  When I went to check on him I found him in his bed playing his V Smile game.  I think he needed some down time.  Who can blame him?

Emma said, "I'm so tired I should just watch TV."

I am worn out too!  Now to figure what in the world we will eat for dinner tonight.

Meeting with the School Board Today

Thank goodness for blogs and facebook and e-mail to give a mass update or else I'd be on the phone all day repeating myself! 

This morning, at eight, we met with the school.  The man in charge of Special Ed was there along with the Occupational Therapist (OT), Physical Therapist (PT), and Julie, the school pshychologist. 

The meeting took an hour and a half!  The kids did really well and played with some toys they had for them.  Many of our "fears" were allayed by this meeting. 

I won't go into long details but I'll give you the basic idea of what we came away with. 

Nathan will get some Occupational Therapy that will be Incorporated into his school day.  He will get Physical Therapy because there is concern with his safety on the playground due to a lack of safety and body awareness. 

Again it was expressed that although the psychologist says she has no doubt he has Aspergers she can not give him that educational diagnosis since it does not affect his ability to learn new information and because he is functioning above average academically.  He will have 504 plan in place.  It's a legal document that will follow him through out his schooling since his IEP from Early Intervention will "run out" when he starts school. 

They will the make the teacher aware of some special needs to have plenty of visual cues, being very specific with directions seeing as he is very literal and also the use of fidgets may be used.  Fidgets would be some sort of object such as a stress ball that he can literally fidget with during class to help him stay still.  We think this will be a very good idea. 

They will NOT be letting Nathan skip a grade and after our meeting today we pretty much agree.  In first grade they say he will be expected to do certain things like using scissors and and followng directions with much less help than he would receive in Kindergarten. 

They are worried that he may have a hard time adjusting in the beginning.  It could become a sensory overload suddenly going to school all day with kids he does not know and have to follow directions and not be in control. 

Overall, it will be a big adjustment for him.  And for poor mommy...who I am sure will worry the day away while her "baby" is in school.  :)

One more thing: Tomorrow Nathan has his social group but at two p.m. we are also meeting with Creative Services to start a long process in finally obtaining an official diagnosis!  And sadly I am sure they will kill at least another twenty trees with the paperwork involved! 

Thanks for everyone's care and concern and prayers regarding our family and all the decisions we have to make. 

We love our little boy and Emma too of course!

Button Victory!

This morning while people were heading to work, cleaning their kitchen, doing their laundry....or sleeping (you know who you are).... our family celebrated a victory.  I nearly cried tears of joy.  So what you might ask would cause such a celebration?

Buttons.

Yes, that's right.  Buttons.  Five of them to be exact.  Nathan has struggled with buttons and zippers for a while now.  His fingers just don't do what he wants them to do so while his three year old sister is deftly zipping and un-zipping her jacket, buttoning her pants and shirts; Nathan is begging us for help. 

His OT really wanted us to pick a few days out of the week to try to get him to button.  Even if it was only two or three buttons.  Well, if you read a previous blog I wrote then you know how that turned out.  We had a twenty minute battle royal.  Nathan gives us easily.  He gets frustrated easily.  He just does not want to try and fail. 

So what does a parent do as the school year looms and your little boy is throwing tantrums over buttons?  The only thing any sensible parent can do.  Bribe them!  We found a V-Smile game.... on clearance!  Yes!  And we told Nathan he could have it only if he un-buttoned a shirt and buttoned a shirt all by himself. 

Last night he un-buttoned his shirt before bed.  He did it pretty quick and it seemed to bolster his confidence.  We reminded him again about our favorite word in this household.  Perseverance.  This morning I pulled a shirt with buttons out of his closet.  "Button this shirt and the game is yours," I said. 

Nathan's response?  "Mom!  That is a Sunday shirt.  You wear those shirts on Sunday.  Today is Monday.  I can't wear it."

"But Nathan, it's the only shirt you have with buttons and you want to win the game right?"

He looked at me for a while, even shook his head a little. I think he needed a moment to convince himself it was all right to wear a "Sunday shirt" on a Monday.  Finally, "All right.  I'll wear it."

I left him alone because it's hard enough to fail but even harder with someone watching you.  I went to the bathroom to do my hair and brush my teeth.  A good ten minutes or more passed until finally I heard a victory yell from the living room!

"Mom!  I did it!  I buttoned it all by myself.  Where is my game?"

He was proud of himself and grinning ear to ear.  I was so proud of him.  Progress!  I sent him down to where Chris had already started work and Chris congratulated him and made a big deal.  We reminded Nathan about perseverance. 

I gave him the game and he played it for about thirty minutes. 

I know some may read this and think, "I didn't just read this whole blog about a button right?"  I know to some it may seem trivial but today was a victory in this household!  Today my son buttoned five buttons!  He did not scream or yell.  He did not cry.  He did not cover his ears and hide in his room.  He just did it!

Some may say, "Yeah, but you bribed him."

And I say, "So what?"

Do you know how long this has been a struggle in this house?

I'm not saying he won't ever fight us again on doing the buttons but today he proved with a little bit of extra time he CAN do it!  I am sure he will speed it up with more practice too. 

Let me end this by mentioning something besides buttons.

Please continue to pray for our friend's the Love family.  They have scans today and we all praying a miracle!
Please continue to support them and ask your friends to support them. 

Check out the following links and thank you all who have joined together to pray for this courageous little boy and his family.  If you think for one moment today about complaining think also of the family who keeps vigil around a four year old little boy and who are cherishing every moment with him. 

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=82edd60bddb954bda04571&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

http://www.causes.com/causes/124694-support-trey-love?m=515011b4

Battle of the Button

What’s New?



Where do I even start?


Nathan’s testing through the school is now complete. He qualified for both Physical Therapy (PT) and Occupational Therapy (OT). Strangely enough the psychologist said that even though she has no doubt that Nathan does have Aspergers she can not diagnose him with Aspergers.

The reason? Apparently since she is a school psychologist and Nathan’s Aspergers DOES NOT interfere with his ability to learn new information she can not give him the diagnosis and he is not eligible for special education. This also means they do not have to give his information to Nathan’s poor teacher.

So our next step is??? MORE TESTING! We are going through Creative Services. Here is a link but it doesn’t give much information.

http://www.creativehs.org/



Basically they will be able to give him a medical diagnosis of Aspergers that will be attached to him for the rest of his life. Not sure how I feel about that. But in doing this he will be given more opportunities. They can continue to offer him social skills groups, coping support, and even support for Chris and I to know how to deal with some of his oddities or frustrations.



This will take months to complete.



Currently, Nathan did well with his Occupational Therapy today. It’s very funny to watch him interact with his therapist. At one point, while cutting out pieces to make a leprechaun, he asked his OT why she cut out the leprechaun’s arms and not him. She responded, “The arms were hard to cut out so I went ahead and did it.”


Nathan asked, “Well, how hard was it? Super hard?”
Her response was, “Let’s just say there probably wouldn’t have been much of an arm left if I hadn’t done it.”


I laughed. Nathan is getting better with scissors but he does still hack things to pieces most of the time.


This weekend was…..interesting…


Nathan is supposed to be learning to button things. It’s a real struggle for him since his fingers just don’t have the dexterity they need. But he is supposed to be learning and practicing. So Sunday morning we asked him to do ONE button and we would do the rest.


This turned into an absolute battle royal. Complete with tears, Nathan shrieking and running around making his odd noises, and a twenty battle of the button. In the end we got him to do the one button but let me tell you, a five year old freaking out over doing one button was just crazy.

Chris asked him why it upset him so much to do the button and Nathan yelled, “Because it’s too hard!”


Sadly, that is how Nathan approaches any challenge. He gets agitated and gives up very easily and complains that it’s too hard. The more agitated he gets the more things escalate with him.

We were also an hour late for church because we forgot to change our clocks! 
The rest of our week is packed full! Today was Super Stars and OT. Tomorrow Ladies’ Meeting and Nana and Rose coming for lunch. Wednesday a play date. Thursday he has social group. Friday he has Theraplay. Tired yet?

No Time

Poem I wrote in 2004

No Time

I hurry to be about my day,

No time to read, no time to pray.

I need to dress, I need to eat;

No time for fellowship so sweet.

Off to work! I’m running late!

No time on Thee to meditate.

I need my rest, I need my sleep;

No time to devote myself to His keep.

Is it so easy to forget Thee, Lord?

Always no time I can afford?

Is it not You who has made time?

“Your life is like a vapor,” You chime.

“It is I who clothes the lilies of the field.”

Yet my heart will I not yield?

Grant me Lord that I may see

That it’s You whose given time to me.

Day by day I must turn to You,

Leaning and relying on the One who’s True.

Thank you Lord, for another day

When I can read and even pray.

Help me continue to look to You

So my heart, You may renew.

I hurry to go about my day;

But first I’ll read and yes, I’ll pray.

I need to dress, I need to eat,

But first I need fellowship so sweet.

I’m off to work, I’m not so late,

My heart He’s begun to saturate.

My day must first begin with You,

The One’s who’s love me through and through.

Written 2004

Through the Fire

God promises He will not burden us with more than we can take. I think it would be better described as not giving us more than we can take with Him helping us. Alone, I am weak and unable. Alone, I often fail and falter. Alone, I stumble in the dark. God promises to see us through.




Some examples?



How about in the book of Daniel when Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego took a stand in serving God and God alone? They refused to bow to an idol knowing they were to worship only the true and living God. The king sent them to the fiery furnace. A furnace so hot it killed the men around it. What were these three men thinking as they stood on the brink of death? Did they want God to deliver them and save them from the furnace? Did their hope diminish as they edged closer and closer to the flames?



God could have saved them from the fire but instead He saved them through the fire. Were they afraid as they went into the flames? Did their hearts nearly faint awaiting a painful death? But then to the amazement of everyone around they looked and the men were in the furnace but they were not burning. Even more shocking to all who watched was that a fourth man was in the furnace with them. They were never, not even for one minute, alone. God saved them through the fire. What did this angel of the Lord say to the men as they stood with the fires raging around them? Did he speak words of comfort and peace and salvation or were they content to be merely in the angel’s presence?



I also think of Jairus and his daughter. Jairus sought Jesus and asked him to save his dying daughter. Jesus agreed but along the way an old woman touched the hem of Jesus’ clothes and she was healed. Jesus stopped to find who touched him. How do you think Jairus felt at that moment? How would you feel with each desperate step knowing your child was dying back at home and the man who could save her had stopped to talk to an old woman? I know how I would have felt. I would have been desperate. I would have wanted to rush the Lord and beg him to hurry and to leave the old woman.



Jesus knew Jairus’ despair and urgency and then someone comes to tell Jairus to leave Jesus alone because it’s too late. His daughter has died. Jesus tells Jairus, “Be not afraid, only believe.” It took belief for Jairus to go to Jesus and belief to lead Jesus towards his home where his daughter was dying and now Jesus says, “Don’t stop believing!” When everything seemed hopeless and lost Jesus encourages him.



The remainder of the journey to Jairus’ house must have been filled with a wide arrange of emotions. Did Jairus even once wonder if they would have made it in time if people hadn’t been crowding Jesus? What if the old woman hadn’t stopped them? Had he spent his daughter’s last hours on earth searching for Jesus instead of being by the girl’s side? I can only guess as the Bible doesn’t specifically tell us.



Jesus gets to Jairus’ house and people are wailing and making much “ado.” When Jesus says, “The little girl is only sleeping,” the people laugh at him. Jesus then puts everyone out except the parents. He will not allow those who were full of disbelief to now witness his miracle. He was not there to “show off” what He could do.



Jesus then raises the girl from the dead.



Jesus could have healed the girl from afar. He could have ignored the old woman or asked the crowd to move so He could have healed her before she died. So why the delay? Jesus often meets us in our moments of greatest need when all hope seems to be lost and when despair threatens to consume us.



God never promised we would walk the easy road but He did promise to be with us through the fire, through the despair, and through all life might throw at us. We are never alone. The same God who calmed the storm is the same one who will calm our hearts when we are afraid.

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

2 When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned.

Isaiah 43:2

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand....

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Lately I feel buffeted.  Once I leveled out with my hormones I was not as emotional and once the grief was not so raw I was able to talk to people about the loss of the baby without crying.  But these last few weeks have been challenging. 

I've always had insomnia but it was something that would come and go.  But a few weeks after we lost the baby I had really bad insomnia that wasn't going away.  I even asked the doctor about sleeping pills.  I would lay awake for endless hours only to have to get up early in the morning to take Nathan to an appointment.  I was dragging through the day.

I asked for prayer about the insomnia and guess what?  The last few nights I was able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep.  It seemed a victory until I began to have nightmares that made me wake up feeling emotionally drained.  Then, yesterday while driving in the car I felt like fear was getting a grip on me.  Things entered my mind that I don't feel free to share on a public forum.  I was beginning to feel despair take hold until I realized fear is not of the Lord.  Satan was trying to get a foot hold in my life while I was weak.

So I prayed.  My kids were quiet in the car, which is unusual. 

I asked the Lord to take the fear away and to replace it with peace.  I knew I needed to trust the Lord.  I had to let go of the fears and the despair and lean on His everlasting arms. 

I had a mental picture in my head that I would love to paint one day.  I pictured a woman with long flowing hair, standing on a lone rock in the midst of a raging sea.  Her hair is being blown back and she is facing the raging sea with a determined look on her face.  Instead of fumbling in the blowing winds she is standing straight and strong. 

Christ is our rock in the middle of an unsteady and raging ocean.  The winds and waves would sweep us away, overtake us, cause us to fail and falter but instead we can stand firm and straight.  We can trust that the rock is unmovable.  And the same Creator who caused the winds to blow, can with a few words command the winds and seas to cease and to be still. 

When Jesus stood before Pilate in the judgment hall, Pilate tells Jesus, "Don't you know I have the power to take your life or to let you keep it?"

Can you imagine?  Pilate is looking at the Son of the God, the Creator of the Universe, and saying he has power. 

We are the same.  We want to think we are strong and can take on any challenge but heartache comes and knocks us down.  You have to face your fears and your weakness and realize we need a solid rock to stand on amidst a unsteady and every moving sea. 

That's my thoughts these days, as disjointed as they seem at times. 

I need my Savior every hour of every day.  I fight fear and uncertainty and know my God never changes.  I can stand on a rock facing the insurmountable waves and be assured that I will not be moved.  What is faith if it is never tested? 

Words: An­nie S. Hawks, 1872

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;

No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Savior,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;

Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;

Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;

And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;

O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

 

What's Happening

Yesterday Nana and I took the kid's to Valley Forge for Washington's Birthday Celebration.  Nathan and Emma both had a nice time.  Nathan was sure to point out that it was NOT Washington's birthday and that Washington's birthday was today, the 22nd.  Below is a picture of Nathan and Emma with Mr. and Mrs. Washington. 

Today Nathan had his PT eval at the school.  I am the worst with directions.  I was told to go to the Annex and given an address so I was looking for a gym or something.  Only to find out that crazy me was standing right in front of the building I was supposed to go into for his testing! 

The Physical Therapist said Nathan did pretty good but he struggles with his balance when he is standing still.  He also struggles with anything ball related.  He struggles to throw a ball, catch a ball, and to kick a ball.  Poor guy.  She also said Nathan takes things too literal.  If you tell him to take a step and then throw the ball he will do it in two parts.  He will take a step.  Pause.  Then he will throw the ball, despite being told and shown to do it in one smooth motion. 

We went to Giant after that and the kids were tired and cranky.  I appeased them with Lunchables while I shopped. 

It's been over one month now since we lost the baby.  Time seems to be creeping by.  I struggled so long to sleep and now for the past few days I have been sleeping but when I sleep I have nightmares.  I dream about Nathan and Emma being taken away and I can't get them back.  It's always suddenly, like someone snatching them.  Last night I dreamed I was having an ultrasound and I saw a baby moving and kicking and opening and closing their mouth.  Then the person doing the ultrasound turned to me and said, "It doesn't look good.  The baby has serious problems."

So if you think about it....pray for me!  Every time I think I am ok something new seems to crop up.  I think it takes time for your body, your brain, and your heart to heal. 

Tomorrow is a free day. No appointments!  Yes!  Thursday, I will have to drag myself out of early to pick up several ladies and go to the Northridge Ladies meeting. 

I haven't been in a while because Nathan usually has school so it will be nice to go this time.  (They are having a planning day or something at the school)