I knew about you before taking any sort of test. How? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mother’s instinct or a woman’s intuition. Or maybe God knew I would need as much time knowing you and loving you as possible since your stay would be so short.
I confirmed what I knew with a test. Pregnant. Two pink lines. You were a surprise. Your daddy was away on business and wouldn’t be home until Friday night. It was Wednesday.
For a time you were my secret. No one knew about you except for me and God. I treasured the time you were mine alone. It was hard not to talk about you since I was so excited but I enjoyed having this little secret between you, me and our Heavenly Father. Having no one on earth to talk with; I shared my heart with God. I prayed for you and thanked God for you and I planned. Oh, how I planned to make your presence known. This was perfect. I always wanted a baby that I could share around Christmas time. What a gift.
Your daddy got home late Friday night but I did not tell him about you. I held you close to my heart and treasured my short time left that I would have you just to myself. Saturday I had a jewelry party here at the house. It was so hard to wait. That night I made your daddy a special dinner of baby bits of steak, baby potatoes, and baby carrots. I asked if he saw a theme with his dinner. “Steak and potatoes?” he answered.
I showed him a picture of a positive pregnancy test on my phone. “Now do you get the theme?” His face showed his surprise and disbelief. Knowing your daddy I knew his next question would be, “Are you sure? Did you take just a dollar store test?”
I laughed. I knew him so well. I had taken a dollar store test but knowing your daddy I went and bought the Error Proof Test and had done that too.
Our next plan was to keep it a secret from your brother and sister. We knew they would tell everyone. We met the rest of your family in Washington DC and I was sure they would figure it out. I was so tired. And hungry. I wondered if your Uncle Matt would notice me eating a bagel only an hour after I had eaten breakfast! And your Grandma, my mommy, knows me so well I was sure she would guess.
Christmas day, December 25th, things went off just as we planned them. Your daddy wrapped a big box with wrapping paper and put a shirt for your brother and a shirt for your sister inside along with baby balloons. We acted like we had forgotten about a present and brought it out after the other gifts had been opened. Nathan and Emma unwrapped it and the helium balloons floated out and up the ceiling. It took a minute but soon everyone realized that you were on the way. What a Christmas gift!
I thought I was getting away with an easy pregnancy with you. I didn’t feel very sick. I wasn’t getting any of the other typical symptoms I did with your brother and sister but I still felt o.k.
I only had you here on earth with me a short time. My womb was the only earthly place you would ever come to know. But your time with us was short….so short. We loved you while you were here and we miss you now.
I read a book called Empty Arms and she said it so well. You were special. You only brought me joy when you were here. I never had to discipline you. You never disappointed me with your choices. I never was angry with you or upset with you. You only brought me happiness for the short time I carried you. You went from my womb and straight into the arms of Jesus. You will never feel the pain and heartache that this world offers. You are there with your great grandparents and with others who have gone before. I never thought I would have a child who would make it to heaven before I did but you couldn’t wait could you?
I’m not big on things like this but this quote touched my heart, “An angel from the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. He whispered as he closed the book, ‘Too beautiful for earth.’” I don’t know why the Lord took you home so early, little one. But I trust Him.
I don’t know what it’s like for you in heaven. Are you a baby? Is there a nursery for all the babies there? Or are you the person God always meant for you to be? I guess I will find out one day. Until then, I will miss you. I will long for the day I finally get to hold you and meet you. I never got to hold your chubby hands or dress your little body. I never got to feel you kick and move. But one day I will see you and I will finally get to hold you tight and I know with a certainty that we won’t ever have to be apart again.