Grief

My friend Alice once said, "Grief is physical."  At the time I thought it was a very interesting statement and though it intrigued me I did not truly understand it.  Now I do understand it.  Chris had stomach problems and pain in his stomach for days after we found out our little one was gone.  He had a hard time thinking and concentrating.  I had other physical symptoms associated with my grief.  My eyes were puffy and swollen so much so that I could not wear my contacts for two days.  I had to resort to glasses.  I didn't want to eat and I didn't want to even get out of bed but I also didn't want to be alone.  I had a migraine for days on end and I ended up dealing with a nasty sinus infection too.  I felt like my body was just giving in to everything.

Wanting the process to go naturally, I had planned to have a natural labor anyways, I couldn't imagine I would end up with Chris racing like a mad man to get me to the ER on Tuesday.  Due a complication it became quickly evident that we had to go the ER without delay.  It was such a scary experience and things were so bad I told Chris I loved him and to make sure the kids knew I loved them.  Rose, my mother in law, rushed over faster than even seemed possible and my parents soon joined us at the hospital.  Rachel headed to the house as soon as she was done with work.

I barely made it inside the ER as I felt faint and weak and shaky.  At one point as I lay on the hospital gurney in the ER, amidst the steady beep of my heart monitor and the noise of nurses and doctors going from room to room my mom said " you are dealing with this well emotionally."


First of all I felt too exhausted to cry. Thinking of it medically and what needed to be done medically made me for a moment forget what had been lost.

It was good to have family with me.  Chris stayed with me and my mom and my dad came back to see me.  My sister came to see me and we had a good laugh about a few things. 

When the nurse came to wheel me back she very nicely said "I'm really sorry for your loss." I would have cried and my eyes were wet but I had physically had no energy left to cry. At that point I was faint and dizzy and wasn't thinking straight anyways.

The surgery did not take long but it took a long time to wake me up.  They wanted to keep me overnight but I just wanted to go home. 

When we finally made it home around 2 am I insisted on going to tuck the kids in despite my shaky legs.

As soon as I saw them I wept but this time because of gratefulness. I felt blessed to have them.  I managed to brush my teeth and make it into my bed and once in my bed I wept for what I had.  I then cried for the baby my body labored for that night that we would never hold. It was a strange process.  My body had actually gone into labor trying to finish things off but it was unable.  It made it very painful.  What a strange thing to go into labor but have no baby to hold in my arms.  No finger and toes to count.  No birth announcements to make.

Someone sent me a book called Empty Arms and I highly recommend it to anyone who has had a miscarriage even if yours was years ago.  She writes it from a Biblical view point and I found it healing. 

I have to admit until now I never truly understood what someone went through who had a miscarriage.  Yes, I felt sympathy and would offer a prayer but now we all really understand that miscarrying is a process both physically and emotionally. 

I feel blessed to know the Lord is my Savior and to be able  to lean on His everlasting arms.  I feel secure knowing that when my knees buckle and I can't keep going He will pick me up and carry me.  I wrote this in a book once; Sometimes we have to walk through the valleys because it is only then we can climb the mountain. 

On Thursday when I was driving to the doctor; before I knew what was even happening for sure, I begged God not to take my baby.  I was unaware my baby had been gone for a while already.  I told God I was not strong enough and it would be more than I could handle.

But we what "tell" God and what God knows are two different things aren't they?  God knew even then that I was right.  I was unable to handle the coming days.  I was unable to handle the loss and grief alone.  But God is faithful.  It was as if God said, "You are right, Rebekah, you can't do this.  That's why I am going to hold you when you can't stand.  I will carry you when you can not walk.  I will give you hope when things seem hopeless and light when your day is dark.  I will give you peace that you won't understand.  I will give you family to support you and cry with you.  I will give you brothers and sisters in Christ who will lift you up to My throne.  Some of them will not even know you and will still pray and hurt with you.  And when you are tired I will give you my strenghth." 

Being a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ does not mean I believed I would walk on roses every day.  I have no anger or resentment towards the Lord.  One of the first things Chris and I agreed on was that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Do we still have faith?  Yes! Do we still believe in a loving God?  Yes.  We live in a fallen world full of sin.  If you do not know the Lord as your Savior please ask how you can.  Believe me when I say that even though Chris and I were devastated we both still had peace.  How and why?  It's beyond any explanation.  But we know people were praying for us and that Lord was with us. 

I'm going to end now because I am weary and exhausted and my thoughts are disjointed. 

Psalm 139 gives us assurance that our little one is in heaven today.

13 You created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.