Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Some choose to remain silent and not talk about their loss and I think that is just fine and some choose to frequently talk about their loss, to blog about it, to facebook it, to tattoo their baby's name or due dates on their body.

We had already announced our pregnancy and had shared photos of us surprising our family on Christmas Day.  Since our pregnancy was public so was our loss.  But we are so grateful for the outpouring of love we received, the cards, the well wishes, the Bible verses, the flowers, and the prayers!

People choose to grieve or to remember in many different ways.

We don't really need a day to remember our loss as we remember all the time.  But it sure is nice to have a day to remember we are not alone.

To all who have lost a pregnancy, had a still birth, or lost an infant, you aren't alone.  Many will choose to light a candle between the hours of 7-8 tonight.  We usually do not. 

Here is an interesting article about today. 

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http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/14/on-national-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-remembrance-day-a-mother-with-a-candle-to-light/

 

Pure Joy

As many know we welcomed our new baby girl, Katelyn Joy, on February 2nd.  For any interested I'll tell you a short version of her birth.  Towards the end of my pregnancy I was told several times I was going to have another big baby and they wanted to deliver her early to make sure she didn't get too big like my other two.  She ended up being 7 lbs 11 oz!  The doctor declared "Average for most but a peanut for you!"


So one week before her due date on 2-2-12 we went to the hospital to be induced.  We had to be there at 7 am... we were a little late... and by 9 am we had done all our paperwork and were in our room.  They started pitocin just after 9 am and my mom arrived shortly after that. 

The contractions didn't pick up right away but soon enough I was in active labor.  We had a small scare when the doctor came to break my water and the baby moved up!  He said he wasn't sure if she was as big as they thought and he also thought she was NOT head down!  They brought in an ultrasound machine and I knew they would say I needed a c-section if she wasn't head down.  But we were all relieved when they ultrasound showed she WAS head down. 

The nurses were great and gave me wireless monitors so I could walk and stand and move freely.  I had to drag my IV around with me but Chris and my mom helped me with that.  I labored mostly standing and also sitting on the edge of my bed.  Chris rubbed my back because unlike with my last two I had a lot of pain in my lower back.  My mom was a constant source of support reminding me that I could do it and that I was doing well and to breathe and not tense up.  I found forcefully blowing out air during a contraction helped me through them the most, although at one point I got dizzy doing this and had to work hard to slow down my breathing.

At just after 3:00 pm I had been in hard labor and I reached that "I want to give up" point.  Chris and my mom were fantastic coaches and so encouraging!  They checked me and said I was only at 7 maybe 8 centimetres and I felt discouraged because now it was very painful.  But not long later as I sat on the edge of the bed I asked my mom to get me a hair tie to put my hair back when a contraction came and I immediately yelled to get the doctor. 

The doctors and nurses came tearing in and Chris said they came so fast that stuff was falling off the cart they were pushing in.  They told me to lay back on the bed but I couldn't move!  They had to help me.  After only four minutes of pushing Katelyn arrived at 3:44 pm.  I stared in awe as I saw her on my stomach and could hardly believe she was here! 

Katelyn means "pure" so her name is pure joy!  We chose this name because after our miscarriage in January 2011 she has brought us much joy after our grief.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This verse really helped us during our times of grief over the loss of our third child.  We knew the Lord knew what He was doing in our lives despite the fact our hearts were so broken.  Though we didn't know the "whys" or even see an "end" to our grief we DID know that Lord would lead us and guide us and ultimately had a plan for us. 

Now, when I stare at Katelyn's little face, caress her tiny feet, feel her small hand grasping mine; I am filled with awe and wonder at the sight of her.  Chris and I always said that we didn't want more than three kids.  When I found out I was pregnant for the third time I knew that according to OUR plans it would be my last time being pregnant and our last child. 

But God's plans were different from our plans.  After the loss of our third child I felt such a desire to be pregnant again.  It was hard and we had a lot of different emotions.  I knew all the plans, hopes, dreams, and even names we had talked about for our third child would never come to fruition.  I would never hold that baby, never give them a proper name, never see what their future would hold.  Miscarriage is not only grievous but also shatters your dreams. 

If things had gone according to OUR plans then Katelyn would never be here.  Without the loss of our third child Katelyn wouldn't be in my arms.  It is strange to think about it this way but also true.  We never planned on a fourth child and yet here she is! 

When I was pregnant with Katelyn I was scared!  I had come to realize how fragile life was and I knew how easy I could go from pregnant to not pregnant and I was scared to lose her!  The verse that the Lord continually spoke to my heart was "Trust in the Lord with all your heart."  And every time fear would grip my heart and thoughts of of loss and grief would fill my mind the Lord would simply respond with "Trust Me!" 



I do still mourn the loss of our third baby and will always wonder what might have been and both Chris and I think it is perfectly normal to feel and think this way.  You never get over a loss of a child either in the womb or outside of the womb.  But I do know that no matter what heartache you face you can have peace if you know the Lord and come to realize that He has a plan for you!

Katelyn has decided she has had enough of me being on the computer.  :)

Grief

My friend Alice once said, "Grief is physical."  At the time I thought it was a very interesting statement and though it intrigued me I did not truly understand it.  Now I do understand it.  Chris had stomach problems and pain in his stomach for days after we found out our little one was gone.  He had a hard time thinking and concentrating.  I had other physical symptoms associated with my grief.  My eyes were puffy and swollen so much so that I could not wear my contacts for two days.  I had to resort to glasses.  I didn't want to eat and I didn't want to even get out of bed but I also didn't want to be alone.  I had a migraine for days on end and I ended up dealing with a nasty sinus infection too.  I felt like my body was just giving in to everything.

Wanting the process to go naturally, I had planned to have a natural labor anyways, I couldn't imagine I would end up with Chris racing like a mad man to get me to the ER on Tuesday.  Due a complication it became quickly evident that we had to go the ER without delay.  It was such a scary experience and things were so bad I told Chris I loved him and to make sure the kids knew I loved them.  Rose, my mother in law, rushed over faster than even seemed possible and my parents soon joined us at the hospital.  Rachel headed to the house as soon as she was done with work.

I barely made it inside the ER as I felt faint and weak and shaky.  At one point as I lay on the hospital gurney in the ER, amidst the steady beep of my heart monitor and the noise of nurses and doctors going from room to room my mom said " you are dealing with this well emotionally."


First of all I felt too exhausted to cry. Thinking of it medically and what needed to be done medically made me for a moment forget what had been lost.

It was good to have family with me.  Chris stayed with me and my mom and my dad came back to see me.  My sister came to see me and we had a good laugh about a few things. 

When the nurse came to wheel me back she very nicely said "I'm really sorry for your loss." I would have cried and my eyes were wet but I had physically had no energy left to cry. At that point I was faint and dizzy and wasn't thinking straight anyways.

The surgery did not take long but it took a long time to wake me up.  They wanted to keep me overnight but I just wanted to go home. 

When we finally made it home around 2 am I insisted on going to tuck the kids in despite my shaky legs.

As soon as I saw them I wept but this time because of gratefulness. I felt blessed to have them.  I managed to brush my teeth and make it into my bed and once in my bed I wept for what I had.  I then cried for the baby my body labored for that night that we would never hold. It was a strange process.  My body had actually gone into labor trying to finish things off but it was unable.  It made it very painful.  What a strange thing to go into labor but have no baby to hold in my arms.  No finger and toes to count.  No birth announcements to make.

Someone sent me a book called Empty Arms and I highly recommend it to anyone who has had a miscarriage even if yours was years ago.  She writes it from a Biblical view point and I found it healing. 

I have to admit until now I never truly understood what someone went through who had a miscarriage.  Yes, I felt sympathy and would offer a prayer but now we all really understand that miscarrying is a process both physically and emotionally. 

I feel blessed to know the Lord is my Savior and to be able  to lean on His everlasting arms.  I feel secure knowing that when my knees buckle and I can't keep going He will pick me up and carry me.  I wrote this in a book once; Sometimes we have to walk through the valleys because it is only then we can climb the mountain. 

On Thursday when I was driving to the doctor; before I knew what was even happening for sure, I begged God not to take my baby.  I was unaware my baby had been gone for a while already.  I told God I was not strong enough and it would be more than I could handle.

But we what "tell" God and what God knows are two different things aren't they?  God knew even then that I was right.  I was unable to handle the coming days.  I was unable to handle the loss and grief alone.  But God is faithful.  It was as if God said, "You are right, Rebekah, you can't do this.  That's why I am going to hold you when you can't stand.  I will carry you when you can not walk.  I will give you hope when things seem hopeless and light when your day is dark.  I will give you peace that you won't understand.  I will give you family to support you and cry with you.  I will give you brothers and sisters in Christ who will lift you up to My throne.  Some of them will not even know you and will still pray and hurt with you.  And when you are tired I will give you my strenghth." 

Being a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ does not mean I believed I would walk on roses every day.  I have no anger or resentment towards the Lord.  One of the first things Chris and I agreed on was that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Do we still have faith?  Yes! Do we still believe in a loving God?  Yes.  We live in a fallen world full of sin.  If you do not know the Lord as your Savior please ask how you can.  Believe me when I say that even though Chris and I were devastated we both still had peace.  How and why?  It's beyond any explanation.  But we know people were praying for us and that Lord was with us. 

I'm going to end now because I am weary and exhausted and my thoughts are disjointed. 

Psalm 139 gives us assurance that our little one is in heaven today.

13 You created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.