"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to give you a hope and a future."

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand....

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Lately I feel buffeted.  Once I leveled out with my hormones I was not as emotional and once the grief was not so raw I was able to talk to people about the loss of the baby without crying.  But these last few weeks have been challenging. 

I've always had insomnia but it was something that would come and go.  But a few weeks after we lost the baby I had really bad insomnia that wasn't going away.  I even asked the doctor about sleeping pills.  I would lay awake for endless hours only to have to get up early in the morning to take Nathan to an appointment.  I was dragging through the day.

I asked for prayer about the insomnia and guess what?  The last few nights I was able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep.  It seemed a victory until I began to have nightmares that made me wake up feeling emotionally drained.  Then, yesterday while driving in the car I felt like fear was getting a grip on me.  Things entered my mind that I don't feel free to share on a public forum.  I was beginning to feel despair take hold until I realized fear is not of the Lord.  Satan was trying to get a foot hold in my life while I was weak.

So I prayed.  My kids were quiet in the car, which is unusual. 

I asked the Lord to take the fear away and to replace it with peace.  I knew I needed to trust the Lord.  I had to let go of the fears and the despair and lean on His everlasting arms. 

I had a mental picture in my head that I would love to paint one day.  I pictured a woman with long flowing hair, standing on a lone rock in the midst of a raging sea.  Her hair is being blown back and she is facing the raging sea with a determined look on her face.  Instead of fumbling in the blowing winds she is standing straight and strong. 

Christ is our rock in the middle of an unsteady and raging ocean.  The winds and waves would sweep us away, overtake us, cause us to fail and falter but instead we can stand firm and straight.  We can trust that the rock is unmovable.  And the same Creator who caused the winds to blow, can with a few words command the winds and seas to cease and to be still. 

When Jesus stood before Pilate in the judgment hall, Pilate tells Jesus, "Don't you know I have the power to take your life or to let you keep it?"

Can you imagine?  Pilate is looking at the Son of the God, the Creator of the Universe, and saying he has power. 

We are the same.  We want to think we are strong and can take on any challenge but heartache comes and knocks us down.  You have to face your fears and your weakness and realize we need a solid rock to stand on amidst a unsteady and every moving sea. 

That's my thoughts these days, as disjointed as they seem at times. 

I need my Savior every hour of every day.  I fight fear and uncertainty and know my God never changes.  I can stand on a rock facing the insurmountable waves and be assured that I will not be moved.  What is faith if it is never tested? 

Words: An­nie S. Hawks, 1872

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;

No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;

Every hour I need Thee;

O bless me now, my Savior,

I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;

Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;

Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;

And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;

O make me Thine indeed, Thou bless├Ęd Son.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What's Happening

Yesterday Nana and I took the kid's to Valley Forge for Washington's Birthday Celebration.  Nathan and Emma both had a nice time.  Nathan was sure to point out that it was NOT Washington's birthday and that Washington's birthday was today, the 22nd.  Below is a picture of Nathan and Emma with Mr. and Mrs. Washington. 

Today Nathan had his PT eval at the school.  I am the worst with directions.  I was told to go to the Annex and given an address so I was looking for a gym or something.  Only to find out that crazy me was standing right in front of the building I was supposed to go into for his testing! 

The Physical Therapist said Nathan did pretty good but he struggles with his balance when he is standing still.  He also struggles with anything ball related.  He struggles to throw a ball, catch a ball, and to kick a ball.  Poor guy.  She also said Nathan takes things too literal.  If you tell him to take a step and then throw the ball he will do it in two parts.  He will take a step.  Pause.  Then he will throw the ball, despite being told and shown to do it in one smooth motion. 

We went to Giant after that and the kids were tired and cranky.  I appeased them with Lunchables while I shopped. 

It's been over one month now since we lost the baby.  Time seems to be creeping by.  I struggled so long to sleep and now for the past few days I have been sleeping but when I sleep I have nightmares.  I dream about Nathan and Emma being taken away and I can't get them back.  It's always suddenly, like someone snatching them.  Last night I dreamed I was having an ultrasound and I saw a baby moving and kicking and opening and closing their mouth.  Then the person doing the ultrasound turned to me and said, "It doesn't look good.  The baby has serious problems."

So if you think about it....pray for me!  Every time I think I am ok something new seems to crop up.  I think it takes time for your body, your brain, and your heart to heal. 

Tomorrow is a free day. No appointments!  Yes!  Thursday, I will have to drag myself out of early to pick up several ladies and go to the Northridge Ladies meeting. 

I haven't been in a while because Nathan usually has school so it will be nice to go this time.  (They are having a planning day or something at the school)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Crazy Week

Today was the day we were originally scheduled to go and hear the baby's heart beating.  Nathan had it on his calendar and we had it on ours.  I crossed it off his calendar but you know Nathan....he remembered and brought it up today.  He again expressed his disappointment.  The other day when I was sad he said, "I just wish the baby stayed in your tummy and then came home with us."  My reply?  "Me too."

This week has been a crazy week and I find it easier when I keep busy.  When I sit and think...the tears come.  Yesterday was Valentines Day and I had my first check up.  The doctor said I am doing well and healing well.  Then Nathan had OT at home.  I made a yummy roast beef with mashed potatoes and roasted cabbage and carrots with honey onions for dinner.  All served with a red wine gravy.  It was great! 

Today Nathan had more testing and then we went to Target and all got Icee's. 

Tomorrow Nana needs to take her car to the shop so she will be coming by.  Thursday, Nathan has social group.  Friday, Nathan has Theraplay!  Ahhhh.  This week is busy.  But again, it's easier to keep busy. 

I would have loved to have gone to that appointment today and heard a little heart beat but the Lord knows.....He knows our wants and He knows our pain.  He sees the tears no one else sees and He feels our brokenness.  I still have that song stuck in my head....  "Earth is a dessert drear...heaven is my home...."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jesus Groaned

Today I have heard about three deaths related to people I know. I know two people dealing with cancer. I know many who are suffering heartache, illness, loss, and so much more. Inevitably the question gets asked, “Why?”

Why did I lose my baby? Why did so and so loose their life? Why is there such heartache? Where is God?

Do not loose heart.

Do I blame God for “taking” my baby? No. I blame sin. Yes, sin. We live in a fallen world full of sin which in turn is the cause of death and heartache and more tears than we feel we can bear. Sin causes death and pain and deformities.

This is a fallen world. Do not be mistaken. This world was never meant to last. So when we finally realize this world has nothing to offer what then?

Do not loose hope.

I have never longed more heaven than in these recent weeks. Loosing my baby gave me even more of a distaste for this world and the heartache that comes with living in this world. How I long for a day when there will be NO more tears, NO more heartache, NO more death, NO more loss of babies and loved ones. This will NEVER happen here on earth.

But how can you hope when you know the world offers nothing but pain?

Hope in Christ!

I found hope and peace in the middle of the heartache. As the storms rages and pulls and tears around me I can face the insurmountable wave and say with a certainty, “I shall not be moved!” Can this power come from me? Oh no. I am weak. I am afraid. I am unable.

But HE is able.

I long for a day when I will no longer be on this earth. I wait for the day I go to my real home. This broken earth is not my home. I am passing through. My home is in heaven where I will never cry again for a baby I never got to hold. I will be with my loved ones who have gone before and I will never be separated from those I love and from my Savior.

When Jesus’ friend Lazarus died it says, “Jesus wept.” He cried for His friend. But Jesus also groaned. Why? Why did the Son of God groan? Perhaps because as he looked and saw his friends weeping for Lazarus and he saw the pain and heartache that death had caused He groaned because He knew this was not the way things were meant to be. He had a better plan for us but sin corrupted things and sin brings death.

We will all die one day. No one lives forever.

There is a heaven and there is a hell.
Where are you going?
Are you sure?
“Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and YOU WILL BE saved.”

Maybe you think I am strange saying I had a peace when I heard my baby was gone. Maybe it does not make sense to you. If you can’t understand it then you don’t know my Savior. You haven’t felt His arm around you when you felt too weak to stand. You haven’t had Him carry you when you couldn’t take another step. You haven’t had Him whisper peace and assurance in your ear when your heart began to faint. And you don’t have the full assurance that this world is temporary and joy is waiting for those who love Him.
I WILL see my child again. I will hold the hands I never touched, I will caress the cheek I never kissed. I will see loved ones who have gone before. I will see friends. I will see my Savior face to face. And I will never have to suffer the heartache of loss and sin again.

If you are going through the storm even now then hold onto Jesus. He will be there just as He promised. Joy will come in the morning.

I’m But a Stranger Here

By: Thomas R. Taylor

I’m but a stranger here,

Heaven is my home;

Earth is a desert drear,

Heaven is my home;

Danger and sorrow stand

Round me on every hand;

Heaven is my fatherland,

Heaven is my home.

What though the tempest rage,

Heaven is my home;

Short is my pilgrimage,

Heaven is my home;

And time’s wintry blast

Soon shall be over past;

I shall reach home at last,

Heaven is my home.

Therefore I murmur not,

Heaven is my home;

Whatever my earthly lot,

Heaven is my home;

And I shall surely stand

There at my Lord’s right hand.

Heaven is my fatherland,

Heaven is my home.

Hymn # 515

Lutheran Worship

Author: Arthur S. Sullivan

Tune: Heaven Is My Home

1st Published in: 1836

Monday, February 7, 2011

Testing again!

Nathan has to go to the public school tomorrow to be re-tested by the school's psychologist.  I am sure he will enjoy it because he loves to talk with adults and be asked intelligence questions.  I don't like the fact that I am not going in with him but I guess I have to deal with it. 

I was also on the phone today with Mindy from the school.  She is the school Occupational Therapist.  She wants to observe Nathan at school and then re-test him here at home.  The Physical Therapist from the school also called and will be re-testing!! Crazy!

My life is full of appointments!

I am grateful that Nathan is getting the help he needs now.  He is making improvements with his social group and even in his PT and OT he has improved....I think he might even be able to cut with scissors now and chop off his fingers in the process!!  :o)

Tonight our good friends the Millers brought us a yummy dinner.  I still have this cold I am contending with so it was wonderful to not have to cook. 

The librarians really love Nathan and I miss not being able to take him to story time all the time.  In the opinion of his PT he should be going to SuperStars every Monday because it will help him physically but he loves story time on Mondays so I think it is best to mix it up!

Every day has it's own set of challenges.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss the fact that I was supposed to be sporting a little baby bump by now.  Some days I feel so down and sad and other days like today I feel pretty good.  I know I will see our baby again but I miss my little one in the meantime and I think it's o.k.! 

That's it for now!

Emma told me "Mom, you're the bestest!"  She is so sweet!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I knew about you before taking any sort of test. How? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a mother’s instinct or a woman’s intuition. Or maybe God knew I would need as much time knowing you and loving you as possible since your stay would be so short.
I confirmed what I knew with a test. Pregnant. Two pink lines. You were a surprise. Your daddy was away on business and wouldn’t be home until Friday night. It was Wednesday.

For a time you were my secret. No one knew about you except for me and God. I treasured the time you were mine alone. It was hard not to talk about you since I was so excited but I enjoyed having this little secret between you, me and our Heavenly Father. Having no one on earth to talk with; I shared my heart with God. I prayed for you and thanked God for you and I planned. Oh, how I planned to make your presence known. This was perfect. I always wanted a baby that I could share around Christmas time. What a gift.

Your daddy got home late Friday night but I did not tell him about you. I held you close to my heart and treasured my short time left that I would have you just to myself. Saturday I had a jewelry party here at the house. It was so hard to wait. That night I made your daddy a special dinner of baby bits of steak, baby potatoes, and baby carrots. I asked if he saw a theme with his dinner. “Steak and potatoes?” he answered.

I showed him a picture of a positive pregnancy test on my phone. “Now do you get the theme?” His face showed his surprise and disbelief. Knowing your daddy I knew his next question would be, “Are you sure? Did you take just a dollar store test?”
I laughed. I knew him so well. I had taken a dollar store test but knowing your daddy I went and bought the Error Proof Test and had done that too.

Our next plan was to keep it a secret from your brother and sister. We knew they would tell everyone. We met the rest of your family in Washington DC and I was sure they would figure it out. I was so tired. And hungry. I wondered if your Uncle Matt would notice me eating a bagel only an hour after I had eaten breakfast! And your Grandma, my mommy, knows me so well I was sure she would guess.
Christmas day, December 25th, things went off just as we planned them. Your daddy wrapped a big box with wrapping paper and put a shirt for your brother and a shirt for your sister inside along with baby balloons. We acted like we had forgotten about a present and brought it out after the other gifts had been opened. Nathan and Emma unwrapped it and the helium balloons floated out and up the ceiling. It took a minute but soon everyone realized that you were on the way. What a Christmas gift!
I thought I was getting away with an easy pregnancy with you. I didn’t feel very sick. I wasn’t getting any of the other typical symptoms I did with your brother and sister but I still felt o.k.

I only had you here on earth with me a short time. My womb was the only earthly place you would ever come to know. But your time with us was short….so short. We loved you while you were here and we miss you now.

I read a book called Empty Arms and she said it so well. You were special. You only brought me joy when you were here. I never had to discipline you. You never disappointed me with your choices. I never was angry with you or upset with you. You only brought me happiness for the short time I carried you. You went from my womb and straight into the arms of Jesus. You will never feel the pain and heartache that this world offers. You are there with your great grandparents and with others who have gone before. I never thought I would have a child who would make it to heaven before I did but you couldn’t wait could you?

I’m not big on things like this but this quote touched my heart, “An angel from the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. He whispered as he closed the book, ‘Too beautiful for earth.’” I don’t know why the Lord took you home so early, little one. But I trust Him.

I don’t know what it’s like for you in heaven. Are you a baby? Is there a nursery for all the babies there? Or are you the person God always meant for you to be? I guess I will find out one day. Until then, I will miss you. I will long for the day I finally get to hold you and meet you. I never got to hold your chubby hands or dress your little body. I never got to feel you kick and move. But one day I will see you and I will finally get to hold you tight and I know with a certainty that we won’t ever have to be apart again.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Coming Up

Tomorrow Nathan has his social group and he won't know it but a phycologist from the school is going to be observing him tomorrow.  He has to be reassessed by someone from the school before he can start Kindergarten.  I mentioned again about him possibly attending 1st grade classes for reading and such but I can sense the hesitancy in her voice.  We will see!

Friday he has Theraplay which he is NOT looking forward to.  He doesn't like going because it's "hard."  Poor guy. 

Tuesday the same phycologist from the school will be re-evaluating him but this time I won't be sitting with Nathan.  Not sure how I feel about that. 

Nathan's new obsessions are Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King.  He has also started to make noises while eating....over and over and over...ugh.  We are in the midst of teaching him to use words instead of shrieking..about everything!  The other day at a play date a boy stepped on his foot but instead of moving his foot or telling the boy that he was stepping on his foot he stood there and shrieked.  Typical for him. 

Emma needs her time in the spotlight too right?  She had her hair done while my mom was here.  She loves getting her hair washed and done and asked to go back to do it again.  She is definitely a princess.  Chris asked her tonight if she knew about Rosa Parks and Emma smiled and said, "Yes, Nathan told me."  HA HA! I am sure he did.

And me?  I am feeling so much better physically.  I have more energy now and today I cleared out the kid's room.  3 bags of trash and 2 bags for donations.  BIG BAGS!  Crazy.  Tonight I am pretty worn out.  Someone is bringing us dinner tomorrow which is great.  I miss my parents and the kids do too.  I am so grateful for them flying up here the day after we heard.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since we found out our baby was gone.  It will be my first time going back to Nathan's social group where two weeks ago I tearfully pulled him out to rush to the doctors.  Nathan keeps writing "No Magic U" on his calendar.  I asked him what it meant and he said it's "because you don't have the baby in your belly anymore."  It doesn't seem to make much sense but I guess in some way it is his way of dealing with it.