I'm not really ready to write about many things yet. I don't know if I ever will be ready or if I ever will write about it but I am pretty sure at some point I will want to write about all that has happened. I am after all, a writer at heart and writing about things comes naturally to a writer.
But I am ready to write about today.
I went to my doctor office to pick up a lab slip to have my HCG tested to see if it was dropping yet. My mom drove me but I went in alone thinking I was only going to be there a minute to grab the slip and go. But the slip was not ready so I took a seat. But sitting in the waiting room reminded me of Thursday, the day I found out our little one was no longer with us.
I tried to stifle my tears because the waiting room was filled with people. But the more I tried to hold back the harder they came until I was all out crying. A nice woman, a stranger immediately rushed over and sat in the chair next to me and put her hand on my back. She asked if I was o.k. or if I needed a doctor and if I was in pain.
I choked out a reply, "No, I lost my baby. I'm waiting for a lab slip. I just want to leave." She sat with me until a nurse came back and took me to her office to wait for the slip. I guess I was scarring everyone else in the waiting room or something.
My mom felt bad she didn't come in but she didn't know. I didn't know. Just when I think I am o.k. I am not and I cry some more. My mom and I headed to the hospital for the blood test. I couldn't help but remember the days I was wheeled out of that some hospital as a proud mother first with Nathan and then with Emma. But I did not cry. I was happy to remember the joy I felt those days.
I was exhausted emotionally and physically after the blood test so we came right home. I ate a little and then laid on the couch the rest of the afternoon. My dad had taken the kids to something called SuperStars and then to McDonalds.
My mom packed my maternity clothes away for me today and put my pregnancy and maternity books away for me. My dad cooked us all dinner for the second night in a row.
At dinner Nathan asked if I was still sad about the baby. I was honest. I told him I was and I might always be sad because I missed the baby but I was also happy the baby got to go right to heaven.
I asked Nathan if he was still sad. He said he was disappointed because he never got to see the baby and he never got to tell the baby his name or Emma's name or tell the baby he was the big brother before the baby went to heaven. I told him it was o.k. to be sad because even Jesus was sad. I told him even Jesus cried. Nathan seemed surprised. I quoted him the verse "Jesus wept." Nathan wanted to know why Jesus cried. I said it was because his friend Lazarus died. I told Nathan it was all right to feel sad and to cry and to miss people.
It's healing to teach our kids in the midst of our sorrows and to hear their innocent questions and answers. We have all lost something. Chris and I lost a child. My parents and Chris' parents lost a grand baby. Sisters and brothers have lost their niece/nephew. Nathan and Emma lost their new baby brother or sister.
I have nothing else to say really and no special way to end this. I will just end by copying what a friend said because I am sure she will not mind.
I had said, "I don't think this is something anyone ever gets over" and her reply was--I agree, Rebekah. It's like missing ANYONE you were close to who has died, especially suddenly--and no one's closer than a mom and her unborn child. Amount of time doesn't matter. You will miss your child until the day you meet in heaven. In time (the time that YOU need) it will become more "looking forward to" rather than looking back at what could have been. At least that's been my experience....