The Broken-hearted

8 1/2 years ago I had a hernia surgery just above my belly button. And ever since I have had pain. It turns out I have scar tissue and the surgeon said possibly a new hernia under the mesh net.  My surgery is scheduled for June 30.

 It turns out it ended up being a very dramatic day going to see the surgeon.   I had an idea that she may say I needed surgery again.   But I wasn't prepared for something else that would hit me when I walked into that office.

 Just over five years ago Chris and I were pregnant with our third child.  A pregnancy that once again stunned my doctors that even at one point told me it was "impossible" to get pregnant on my own.
 But our God is a God of the impossible's.  So here I was for a third time pregnant and my doctor seem to shake their head in wonderment.

 My OB/GYN office was under construction. And they had moved into a temporary office.   The day that I found out that our third baby had no heartbeat it was in the temporary office.   Not long after that they move back into their permanent office and I never had to go back to that same building.   Until the day I went to see my surgeon who had moved into a new office.   Would you believe that the new office the surgeon moved into was the same office that my doctor had been in temporarily?

 As soon as I walked in I knew I was in the same place.  I tried not to think about it. After all time does help to heal your wounds.   But as I sat there in that waiting room all those feelings began to come back to me. I actually had a hard time even remembering what medicines I was allergic to and could not even write them all down. Thankfully the nurse said they have them on record. My blood pressure was even very low. And I felt faint.   The doctor was very quick and confirmed that I need surgery and set up a date.

 I held it together as I left. But as I got into the elevator a pregnant woman got in with me.   I remembered going to that office in looking at the other pregnant bellies knowing that mine was no longer supporting a life anymore.   I remember what a failure I felt like.  As soon as I got to the van I cried my eyes out.   Chris called me and I told him how I needed the surgery. He was very supportive but he did not quite understand why I was so upset.  But then I told him that it was the same office where we went when we found out that our third baby did not have a heartbeat.   He comforted me as best he could. My mom called me too. My dad text me to say he was praying for me.   Isn't family great?

 I went to pick up Katelyn from my friends house.  As soon as I saw her I cried some more. She held me for a while not even knowing what was wrong with me.   Then she made me a cup of coffee. And we had a talk.  She said we never know what things will affect us from
Traumatic events. I had no idea I would have been so upset going back there.

But I am reminded even in this of my blessings. I have my fourth baby girl Katelyn. Her name means "pure" and her middle name is Joy. Pure Joy. The doctors called me "lucky" but I know better.

I am reminded that grief, that soul wrenching grief that physically hurts because  it's so powerful, can pop back up at any moment. That is why day by day we need our Savior. I am reminded of the peace I felt even in the turmoil. I am reminded how it felt to be held and carried by my Heavenly Father when I was too weak to stand. I remember how being held meant I so close that He spoke words only meant for my heart that I don't feel I would share and yet I won't ever forget them. I remember how I felt the prayers of so many like a heavy blanket across my weary heart.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.

I am disappointed that after the 30th I will need time to recover because I love having my kids home in the summer. I enjoy their company and all the activities we do. And I don't find asking for help to come very easily to me.

But it will work out. :)

I am not looking forward to going back to that office for my post op appointment but perhaps this time I will be more prepared!

Trying New Things

 After having a lot of knee pain I ended up going to the doctor to see what was going on. I have had an x-ray and now an MRI.   My orthopedic said that my cartilage is breaking down in both of my knees. Even though only one of my knees , my right one, is bothering me.

 The MRI showed that I had some fluid on my knee and some inflamation. The doctor wants to give me a shot this coming Monday.   I am not looking forward to that.

 I have been told I have to stop running and stop doing squats.   Also they want me on Naproxen and glucosamine/chondroitin.  I do not like taking Naproxen as I do not like taking medicine in general.  But I am taking it temporarily to try it out. But so far it does not seem to be making that much of a difference.

 I miss running.

 I have bought myself some rollerblades and I have been biking more and doing different things at the gym. I have been focusing more on weight training and less on cardio. I am now 1 pound less than my goal weight.

 But I still miss running.

 When one of my favorite running songs comes on the tempraion is there just to get on the treadmill and run anyways. But my knee pain is definitely stopping me from doing that.  My knee often hurts just walking or even doing the elliptical anymore.

 But I still miss running!

 There is nothing like running and nothing gives you the same feeling. Pushing past your limits, going faster,  and beating your last time.   I had gotten where I was able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes or less.   Every time I wanted to quit and give up I would do something strange. I would actually go faster.   Every time my head said I wanted to stop I would make the treadmill go faster or if I was outside I would run faster.   Or I would turn up my music or make sure he had a peppy song on.

 Rollerblading has been fun  but it is not the same as running.   I am trying to come to the realization that I should not run anymore. I know it is bad for my knees since I am already having knee problems.   I do have to say that the appeal of going to the gym has lessoned for me. I would rather go outside and ride my bike or rollerblade than go to the gym and do the elliptical.   So I have been focusing more on weights and getting toned.

 I am the type of person who needs a goal. Right now my goal is to learn to do pull-ups.   Having done mostly running and biking most of my strength is in my legs.   My arms have always been pretty weak and mushy.  Ha ha  but now my arms are changing. I  actually have muscles in my arms now that you can see!

 When I began trying to do pull-ups   I did it with 100 pounds of assistance. Which means I was not really pulling up much of my own bodyweight. The assistance was helping me lot.  Now I am down to 50 pounds of assistance.   I haven't quite been able to get beyond that.  On the weights that you pull down I can now pull down 90 to 110 pounds.  The trick is getting the weights down and I have to hang on the weights until I get them all the way down and then I can use my arms to do them.   On the pull back row weights I do around 80 pounds.   On the curl machine I am doing about 40 pounds.   The calf machine I can do 90 pounds. I avoid the other leg machines as they hurt my knees. Seeing as how I started most of these weight machines at around 20 pounds I have  come a long way!

 As far as food and nutrition goes Chris and I have really enjoyed the website Skinny Taste!  She makes very normal family friendly recipes but just shows you how to lighten them up a little bit with less calories.

 If anyone is actually interested my calorie goal is 1500 a day.  Most days I am right on that goal. Some days if I have been extremely active I might eat around 1600 a day.  I never say I am on an official diet.   It's not like I'm not allowed to eat a piece of cake or I have to stay away from carbs or I'm taking some kind of shake or supplement. I am just eating better foods and less of them. And exercising more.

 I am trying a new recipe tonight for a quinoa casserole. If it taste pretty good maybe I can post it on here.

 Well that is it for now!  Back to work ! :)

New Style

I haven't blogged in a while because nothing all that new is happening with us. :)

I am thinking of doing some more fitness and diet based posts for anyone interested. My idea to write about my work outs and what we are eating and recipes.

Chris has lost 32 pounds now! I have lost 41 and hit my goal weight.

Our plan is to keep the weight off of course!  I feel like I understand nutrition better now and have a better handle on it that I ever have before.

 So I am not sure if anybody would be interested but in case you are I am hoping to update more often with more fitness and exercise posts.

Nathan had a dentist appointment today and he did great! So did Emma and Katelyn. Going to the dentist used to be such a stressful day for everyone!

The end.... For now....

I've Had People Say.....

I have not updated in a while but I was thinking about the times I've told someone my son has Asperger's and how they have reacted. 

I've had people say, "I am so sorry!"

Sorry?  If you've said this before don't feel bad.  It comes from a good place in your heart.... I hope.  Saying you are sorry is like saying "poor you to be stuck with that kid" or "poor kid he will never be all right."  But I am not sorry.  He is the same boy whether or not there is a diagnosis attached to him.  Don't be sorry.  Be understanding.

I've had people say, "Really?  Are you sure?"

Ummm....yea... I am sure.  This reaction usually comes from people who have not spent much time with Nathan.  They have seen him on his good days and on his best behavior.  This comment does not offend me,  It reminds me that four years of Social Groups, Physical Therapy, and Occupational Therapy are working.  But some do get offended by this statement.  I've heard parents say it sounds like you are doubting what they know and they wish you could see the hard days, the tantrums, the stubbornness, the gagging at smells, the loud sounds, the shutting down moments.......  Yes....we are sure.

I've had people say, "My kid does those things too.  It's normal for boys."

This statement probably also comes from a good place in your heart and hopefully an honest place.  Hopefully you are trying to connect and be sympathetic and kind.  It does not offend me.  In fact it's nice to hear that my kid is "normal."  But I can tell you others find it offensive.  Why?   You are implying that maybe it's a misdiagnosis, over diagnosis, or just not that bad. So just be careful with that one.  Maybe say, "My child does some things similar to that at times."  Or just nod because maybe the mom needs to vent to you for a bit and just wants a listening ear.

I've had people say, "What is Asperger's?"

This is not at all offensive and should not be to anyone.  My opinion is just because you have had to become an expert on a topic such as autism and Asperger's does not mean the rest of the world has had to.  So educate yourself and be prepared to educate others in a kind way. 

I've had people give me the look. 

You know what I mean. That look that says, "Why is your son acting that way?"  "Isn't he too old to be doing that?"  "Why can't you control your kid?"  "He needs better discipline."  Yea....that look.   When Nathan was four he talked like an adult.  He spouted off the Presidents names, first, middle, and last like a party trick and people loved it.  He talked about soil erosion and history.  So people thought he should act like an adult too.  So when he acted like a four year sometimes acts then people give you the look.  Because of his obsessive personality he would do things that would make people look.  I don't mind people looking but not if they are giving "the look."  You know what I mean.

I've had people be downright rude.

"How old is your son?" 
"He is eight."
"Really?" said in the most nastiest way you can imagine. 
This happened when Nathan was at the park having a fit on his bike.  He was crying because he couldn't keep up with the  other kids.  And this woman was wanting me to tell him to "stop" or "be a man" or "don't be a cry baby" or something.  According to her my son was not acting his age.  According to her my son wasn't doing or behaving the way she thought he should.  Now, there are plenty of times when I have dealt with this and will explain to the person, "He  has Aspergers.  It's hard for him." But if you are being mean and nasty and thinking your two girls with their perfectly done hair eating cherries like candy are the epitome of your perfect parenting style and my son crying on his bike is not... then you get no explanation.  I'd rather go comfort and encourage my son than waste my time trying to change your mind.  Sorry.  Rude?  Maybe?  Or just the truth.....

I've had people step away.

I was talking with a woman in Target close to Christmas.  She was looking  at Imaginext toys.  Nathan's favorite.  He was not with me.  Shopping alone!  A mini vacation!  :)  She looked confused as she browsed the toys.  I asked if I could help.  She told me what her son wanted, a castle with a orange door.  I said, "It's this castle.  I know them all.  My son loves these."
"How old is your son?" she asked me cheerfully as she grabbed the castle from the shelf.
"He is eight." 
"What else does he play with?" she asked. 
"Not too much else.  He loves Imaginext toys."
She smiled.  "Really?  But like what other toys?  I need ideas for my son."
I shrugged.  I was enjoying my conversation with her.  She was so friendly and so I thought I'll just open up a bit.  "He pretty much plays with Imaginext and maybe a few action figures.  He has Aspergers so his interest are limited."
Her face changed then and I am not lying when I say  she took a step back as if she might catch a disease.  "Oh," she said and then grabbed her cart and hurried away!  I was shocked!  Her whole face went from friendly to scared in a matter of  minutes like just being near me might infect her. 
Ignorance!

And I've  had people be kind to me and Nathan and their children be kind. 

So what is the right reaction?

If you don't know then ask questions.  How did you know? How was he diagnosed?  How does he do in school? 
If you don't know what to say then maybe keep quiet or ask the mom or dad how they are doing.  Some days are rough! 
If you want to comfort then comfort but most of us don't need comfort.  We want you to just understand and help your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews understand and to be taught kindness. 
Ask how you can help? 
Sometimes we have a lot of appointments and places and therapies and it can help to watch other kids or to even offer to go with the mom or dad to some of the appointments.
Be a friend.  Sometimes we have to be hard on our kids or always on them to try and prevent  meltdowns.
Warn us.  People with Aspergers like a plan and they liked to know what will happen.  So let us in on details for a play date before it occurs so we can prep.   
Treat our children like normal children.  Just have a little extra patience and kindness.
Be a friend.  Encourage your children to be a friend.   

  

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Some choose to remain silent and not talk about their loss and I think that is just fine and some choose to frequently talk about their loss, to blog about it, to facebook it, to tattoo their baby's name or due dates on their body.

We had already announced our pregnancy and had shared photos of us surprising our family on Christmas Day.  Since our pregnancy was public so was our loss.  But we are so grateful for the outpouring of love we received, the cards, the well wishes, the Bible verses, the flowers, and the prayers!

People choose to grieve or to remember in many different ways.

We don't really need a day to remember our loss as we remember all the time.  But it sure is nice to have a day to remember we are not alone.

To all who have lost a pregnancy, had a still birth, or lost an infant, you aren't alone.  Many will choose to light a candle between the hours of 7-8 tonight.  We usually do not. 

Here is an interesting article about today. 

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http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/14/on-national-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-remembrance-day-a-mother-with-a-candle-to-light/

 

School School School

After a busy and fun filled summer the kids had their first week of school last week and have entered into the second week today.

So far so good!

Emma likes her 1st grade teacher and is doing really well.  I think she tends to respond better to other people teaching her than her own mother!  She is reading and doing more math than I thought she could do.  She always tells me she doesn't know how to read but this momma caught her reading!  Stinker.  She is still always on the go and never stops.  As soon as her head hits the pillow it's light out.  If you don't hurry to say good night then she will be asleep before you get there to tuck her in.

Katelyn is 19 months and a busy bee.  She is not thrilled that her brother and sister are now in school.  She is absolutely in love with Mickey and Minnie Mouse and now has taken a liking to Dora.  We call her the hoarder because she likes to walk around the house with her arms absolutely full of toys!  I stopped nursing her at 18 months.  I am not weird.  I am not insane.  :)  But it was time for us to end it.  She is a easy going baby (Toddler: ahhh) and a true joy to be around. 

Nathan has done great at school!  He loves his teacher and he really thrives on the set schedule.  He acts like a movie star waving and talking to all the teachers and staff and knows their names and room numbers.  He is excited that this year might be harder for him.  His teacher is talking about getting him into the gifted program this year.  He will continue to do PT 2 times in a 6 day cycle and he will also see the school psychiatrist 2 times in a 6 day cycle which is actually more than last year.

The mornings and nights are cooling off and it seems like fall is already in the air!  I love this cooler weather.  Time sure passes fast with kids.  They are growing up very fast. 

Time for homework! 

Nathan's 504 for the coming year

I am finally getting around to updating about Nathan's 504.  It actually means a lot that a few people have asked me to update and let them know how things went.  Thanks to all who prayed!

First we got a great report from Nathan's Physical Therapist.  She said Nathan went through a slump where he refused to do anything, said he couldn't do it, it was too hard, and would just give up.  This must have been when we got the report that was less than stellar and I found to be very discouraging.  Let me also make it clear that I have no desire for my son to become some super star athlete and that we are beyond grateful for what he can do.  We look at him receiving PT (physical therapy) as a way to help better him in a few areas that are lacking. So please don't ever think we are complaining.  We are glad Nathan can walk and run!  Anything after that is icing on the cake.

Anyways, his therapist said she was considering contacting me and telling me Nathan wasn't cooperating and she wasn't sure what to do.  That he had given up but then something changed.  She said Nathan began to doing what he was supposed to do and even trying hard to do it for longer than his goal time!  His last report was glowing!  He has met many of his goals. 

In the coming school year he still qualifies for PT.  They will work on environmental awareness: not tripping over objects, paying attention to his surroundings, and things such as that.  They will work on him catching a ball.  Nathan rarely can catch a ball that is thrown to him.  They will work on his kicking a ball that has been rolled to him.  He can't kick it if it's rolling.  His timing is too off.  These may seem like minor goals but the real point of these goals is a focus on Nathan's motor skills which are lacking. 

Nathan will meet the with school Psychologist once every 6 days.  They will focus less on not interrupting and taking control of the class and more on the aspects of friendships and what being a  friend means. 

They are also considering the use of noise canceling headphones during loud times at school.  Nathan has been very stressed this year when there have been assemblies, loud  lunches, and too much noise in his classroom.  Strict guidelines will be put in place for use of the headphone due to Nathan's obsessive personality. 

So that's about it for his 504.  We have more paperwork, more things to sign, and we are grateful for all of it!

Emma did very well for her kindergarten year.  She was sad to leave her teacher and friends but happy about the summer. She has learned to read a little and do some math.

Katelyn has hit the terrible 2's even though she's only 16 months old.  She goes from happy to crying in 2 seconds flat!  The words "no" really makes her angry! 

This week at church we are doing a VBS.  The first day was yesterday and we had a great turn out.  Nathan has made friends with a boy from his school and it's nice to hear the two of them chatting away to each other. 
Some of the neighborhood boys have "disappeared" and don't come around anymore.  It's difficult for Nathan to keep the friends he makes. 

Chris and I notice more things are definitely to do with Nathan's Asperger's and his way of thinking than just typical 7 yr old boy thinking.  I won't go into details but Nathan pitched an absolute fit the other day because the kids weren't playing the way he wanted them to play.  He wanted them to stop their game and play his game and when they said no he lost it.  It's time like these I wish there was more understanding because Chris and I both tried to reason with him and make him understand but he would not and could it.  It's during times like these his Asperger's is more apparent.  It's just a funny way of thinking he has. 

Chris said he recently heard  someone say that kids with Autism and Aspergers are just disobedient kids needing discipline.  We couldn't disagree more.  We know when Nathan is just being a naughty seven year old and needs to be disciplined and believe me he gets put in the corner and has things taken away.  We never let him use his Aspergers as an excuse to be bad.  But we also know when he is reacting as a child with Aspergers to something.  When a tantrum is "not normal" but we also don't let him get too rude or wild.  There is a limit.  If he needs to go to his room and shout and scream because he's angry or upset or something didn't go the way he pre-planned then he is allowed but only before for so long.  After a while we make sure he  knows enough is enough.

We are human.  We get frustrated.  We get perplexed.

 And above all

We are

BLESSED!



 

 

So here comes summer.  Here comes fun.  Here comes pool days, lazy days, beach, zoo, and friends.  And for us here comes drama, tears, and misunderstandings and trying to get Nathan to make and keep friends and not chase them away.  And lot so  pre-planning and notification about what we will do in a day to keep his stress level down.

 

We pray for wisdom in parenting all our children.  We are grateful for each of them.  Nathan and Emma have both now asked the Lord Jesus into their hearts. We pray now it was true and we will see the "fruit" or proof of that in their lives.

 

 

I am amazed I wrote all this in one sitting but Katelyn's telling me enough is enough and I think she's right!  :)

 



 

"But they don't want to play with you..."

It's been a long time since I've updated but with the three kids, and lots of neighborhood friends and other happenings I have not taken the time to sit down and write an update!  So here goes!

Nathan is doing so well!  He is almost done with first grade.  He does complain it's too easy and he gets bored but still he is doing well.  He seems to be getting along with most of the kids at school and has made several friends.  He sort of has had a bit of a fall back when it comes to physical therapy.  This last report was not as good as his reports have been.  His main areas that he lacks in are coordination and balance.  He can't throw a ball the way a boy his age should and he can't seem to kick a rolling ball and his balance is not so good. 

But we have had victories!  Nathan is riding a bike!  This is huge!  Nathan could not ride a traditional bike.  He was not able to balance, pedal, and steer.  It was too much to do with his lack of motor skills.  But I found a really cool tricycle and now he is zipping around and so proud of himself!  So no, it's not an official bike but this proud momma doesn't care!  Close enough! 

 

Nathan's progress in the last few years is such that many say they can't even tell he has Aspergers anymore.  That is great but trust me... he has it.  :)  I am glad people "can't tell" but believe me if you were with him all the time you would notice.  Just recently he was playing with two boys in the yard and after yelling at them about rules and changing the rules and then threatening to "tell" on them they kids decided they'd had enough and left.  Nathan then came and asked me if he could go to their yard!

 

I explained that the boys left because they didn't like the way he was playing.  His reply, "Right, so I will go to their yard."  I again explained nicely they left because they didn't like the way he was playing and that he was being a little mean.  His reply?  "I know so I will go play with them in their yard."

 

My reply, "Nathan, you don't understand that they don't want to play with you."

 

He thought this over and replied, "That's why I will go to their yard."

 

So yes, he is smart and lovable but social things don't make much sense to him. 

 

He brought me a fake flower from school and he said, "Everyone threw theirs out but I gave mine to you."

 

I said, Oh Nathan!  Thank you for thinking of me!  How sweet.  I love it!  So nice for you to think of your mommy."

 

Nathan said, "Yeah well, I wasn't thinking about you.  I didn't know what to do with it so I gave it to you."  Ha ha!  Oh well!

 

He has been more affectionate lately.  I'm getting more hugs which is so nice!

 

Nathan's new obsession is chess.  He talks about it, plays it on his phone, plays it at Chess club, and plays it with a glass chess set. 

 

 

Another victory is has been a little more affectionate to me lately.   He especially enjoys texting my mom and he seems to really open up with her and tell her how he feels. 

 

Lately he has been doing this strange clap in his sisters face and I have asked him repeatedly to stop and finally I said, "Why do you keep doing that when I asked you to stop?"

He surprised me by saying, "I know I am not supposed to but I can't help it.  My Aspergers makes me do it."

Now whether or not that is true or he was trying to get out of a punishment I don't know but he has never said something like that before. 

 

 

Emma Grace is five and turning six this summer.  She is spirited and strong willed and loves to dance and sing. 

 

 

Emma loves to be a little mommy to Katelyn and Katelyn even calls Emma "Em Mom" sometimes. Ha ha!  She is helpful and imaginative.  She doesn't watch much TV.  She'd rather play with her toys, her friends, or go outside.  She is always on the go and sometimes she reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. 

 

Katelyn is 14 months old now!  That is crazy!  I remember when I could hold her with one hand because she was so small.  Now she is on the go.  She loves yogurt, she loves when her  brother and sister come home from school and she loves any visitors!  She is definitely a very social baby.  She listens very well and seems bright for her age.  She responds to most things we say and surprises us at how much she understands.  Her obsession is Mickey Mouse.  She likes to watch a Mickey show every morning while I have my coffee.  She is definitely a joy even when teething makes her cranky.

 



 Me?  I still love to cook and bake.  Though lately I am trying to be a little more careful and get rid of the rest of this baby weight!  I haven't had much time to write.  This blog alone has taken me 2 days to write and several sessions. But when I saw someone "liked" my blog on Pinterest I thought I'd better update it!   I still teach Sunday school and our yard always seems filled with children.  This has given us the opportunity to take a couple of these kids to church with us.

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Lately I feel like I have really fallen into motherhood.  I know... Nathan is 7 and so by now I should have already done this right?  But now I feel like I am a more confidant mother.  I trust my instincts, I am not afraid of a little crying when Katelyn is trying to soothe herself to sleep.  I feel like I am enjoying being a mother now more than ever. 

I am striving hard to enjoy every moment and understanding I can't really enjoy ALL the moments.  I love to be a mom but I don't love the dirty diapers and the crying.  I don't love teething and I don't look foward to potty trainging another child.  But I really have fallen into motherhood....finally.. ha ha! 

I am still nursing Katelyn in the morning and at night.  Some days I say, "Ok, she is too old and I am done with this.  I don't want to nurse anymore."  Other days I say, "Well, it's good for her, helps me burn calories, and soothes her when she is so upset so why not a little longer?"  I feel like society in general thinks it's weird to breastfeed and even weirder to breastfeed after 12 months but I don't care.  With Nathan and Emma I would have cared.  I would have scoured the internet and asked friends and doctors but now I am more confidant in my skills as a mom. 

I am not a supermom.  I end many of my days going to bed at 9:30 exhausted!  I lose my patience and I sometimes I yell.  But I am trying, like all us moms, to do this right thing. 

Chris is doing well and busier than ever at work.  It's nice to have him work from home.  I make him his  lunch and tea and I enjoy having sometime to talk to when he comes up for his lunch. 

I think that is enough of an update!  I will try harder to keep this blog updated but some days...  :)

 



Boring Updates

Ok, so maybe not boring updates but updates none the less.  I haven't blogged in a while because when you have a 6 years old, a 5 year old, and 7 month old it just so happens you don't have as much time to blog! Go figure.

Let's start with Nathan.  I can't believe I am the mom of a 1st grader!  That just seems so...strange.  My baby? In first grade?  No way!  But Nathan is in first grade and doing so well.  His teacher sends home a list of 100 words to "practice" and he knows nearly all of them.  He has only missed a few here and there.  He is up to 500 words now.  His teacher said once he hits 1,000 words she will have to figure something else out for him to do as reaching 1,000 words is the end of the year goal.  Yet, it's only September and he is halfway there! 

Nathan does get to go to 3rd grade reading.  He says the other kids in 3rd grade call him small and want to know why he is there.  But he enjoys it.  He still gets physical therapy for low muscle tone and balance issues.  He still sees the psychologist once every 6 days to discuss social issues. 

On the positive Nathan is growing up!  He doesn't really whine much.  He loves to help out with his baby sister.  He is becoming "fun" to talk to.  I am enjoying this 6 year old stage.  He lets me hug and kiss him more.  We still have issues with him "shouting" and getting frustrated easily but not as many.  Just don't ask him to eat a piece of zucchini or he will wage an all out war!  (By the way we won the zucchini war despite much gagging and out right crying over eating ONE bite) 

Emma Grace.  Boy, she is a wild card.  One minute she is loving and affectionate and mature and helpful and the next minute she is a wailing mess of whining and crying in a contorted ball on the floor!  She needs a lot more "discipline" than Nathan does at this point.  She is playing Barbies with her friends and dressing up and the next minute she is climbing a tree or doing something insanely dangerous.  She is our extreme child when it comes to both behavior and what she likes. 

I've heard, she is may just be a tad like I was as a kid.  Reckless.  A whiner.  Doing crazy stuff.  Driving people....dare I say it...nuts!  Hmm  But she loves her mommy and sister (even her  brother) and her Daddy.  She craves affection and approval.  Every day after school she says it was terrible because she missed me. 

Emma is strong willed.  At times it can be good like when she tells her friends, "We do NOT say 'Oh my G-O-D' in this house!"   And other times I shake my head in absolute wonder at her refusal to make her life easy by just obeying.  So far she is doing well in school despite her own reports of it being terrible.  :)

And my little Katelyn Joy.  People asked me what her name is all the time and I say, "Katelyn Joy: and it means 'pure joy.'"  I know the story behind her name and what it means.  Sometimes, I tell people why she is named "pure joy" and how the Lord gave her to us to help our hearts heal after a loss.  Other times I just thank the Lord quietly in my heart. 

Katelyn is such a sweet baby.  She has two teeth coming in on the bottom that have made her a little cranky these days but otherwise she has a great personality.  She loves her brother and sister and gets so excited when they come home from school.  She is very sensitive.  She does not like her daddy's loud laugh and will cry if he laughs too loud.  She startles easily and hates being told "no." 

Everything in sight goes into her mouth!  It's hard with a six and five year old to keep papers and other small toys off the floor.  She doesn't want her mommy to be out of her sight for even a minute!  Katelyn loves to go downstairs and see her daddy during the day and watch what he does on the computer. 

So that's the updates!  I am adding a hymn that was stuck in my head.  Enjoy! 

I Heard The Voice Of Jesus Say

I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Come unto Me and rest;
Lay down, thou weary one, lay down Thy head upon My breast.”
I came to Jesus as I was, weary and worn and sad;
I found in Him a resting place, and He has made me glad.

I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Behold, I freely give
The living water; thirsty one, stoop down, and drink, and live.”
I came to Jesus, and I drank of that life giving stream;
My thirst was quenched, my soul revived, and now I live in Him.

I heard the voice of Jesus say, “I am this dark world’s Light;
Look unto Me, thy morn shall rise, and all thy day be bright.”
I looked to Jesus, and I found in Him my Star, my Sun;
And in that light of life I’ll walk, till traveling days are done.

504

Today Chris and I met  with a room full of people.  We met with the school psychologist, the occupational therapist, the physical therapist, and the principle.  And I say room full because it was a small room and with all these people plus us and the kids... the room was full! 

Anyways, we were there just about an hour.  The conclusion is this:

Nathan will no longer receive OT, Occupational Therapy, as he has mastered the skills he set out to achieve in OT.  He can color using more than one color and he no longer just scribbles.  He can use scissors without risking a finger.  His grasp has vastly improved.

Nathan will continue to receive PT to work on balance, endurance, and overall strength.  He will also try and learn to kick a rolling ball as his timing is still too off to appropriately do this. 

Nathan was receiving social skills classes one a month and this will get more intense and he will now receive these skill classes with the psychologist once every cycle which is once every six days.  It has been noted that he is still struggling to interact, react, and behave appropriately with his peers. 

Nathan will go to third grade for reading at what they call a higher tier.  He was at a low tier in third grade and will just go to a higher tier which is harder instead of going to fourth grade. 

They will continue to challenge him with extra work in first grade rather than move him forward a grade to 2nd.  This is being done because he is struggling so much socially. 

Overall we are satisfied with what has been laid out in the 504. 

I know this post has little flair it is more of a quick update for those interested!

Life Moves Foward

It's been a while since I updated but with the arrival of baby Katelyn I have been pretty busy!

Nathan is going to be done with school on June 7th and I can't wait!  I'm ready to have him home again and do some fun things.  I think he did well in school and though he had some struggles I think overall his first year at school went great.

Emma will be starting school in September and boy I will miss her!  She is feisty and funny and loves to help with Katelyn.

The kids have not been jealous of Katelyn.  They lover her.  She is a really great baby and a true joy to have! 

I sometimes look at her and just start crying.  I call her heartbreakingly beautiful.  Strange I know.....  But I look at her and think of our third baby I will not hold here on a earth and also remember without the loss of our third baby I would not have Katelyn.  She is so beautiful and perfect and I can't imagine NOT having her.  I talked to someone recently who told me they had 3 miscarriages.  I can't imagine.  One was beyond hard.... but three? 

Friday we meet with the school psychologist, occupational therapist, physical therapist, and I believe Nathan's teacher for next year.  I am not 100% clear on what we will discuss but I guess we will find out!  Pray for wisdom that we will know what to ask, what to say, and that Nathan will get what he needs. 

So life moves forward.  I am loving this season of my life.  It's busy and exhausting and hectic and sometimes we get dressed out of a laundry basket because I haven't had time to put it away but I am loving it!! 

Pure Joy

As many know we welcomed our new baby girl, Katelyn Joy, on February 2nd.  For any interested I'll tell you a short version of her birth.  Towards the end of my pregnancy I was told several times I was going to have another big baby and they wanted to deliver her early to make sure she didn't get too big like my other two.  She ended up being 7 lbs 11 oz!  The doctor declared "Average for most but a peanut for you!"


So one week before her due date on 2-2-12 we went to the hospital to be induced.  We had to be there at 7 am... we were a little late... and by 9 am we had done all our paperwork and were in our room.  They started pitocin just after 9 am and my mom arrived shortly after that. 

The contractions didn't pick up right away but soon enough I was in active labor.  We had a small scare when the doctor came to break my water and the baby moved up!  He said he wasn't sure if she was as big as they thought and he also thought she was NOT head down!  They brought in an ultrasound machine and I knew they would say I needed a c-section if she wasn't head down.  But we were all relieved when they ultrasound showed she WAS head down. 

The nurses were great and gave me wireless monitors so I could walk and stand and move freely.  I had to drag my IV around with me but Chris and my mom helped me with that.  I labored mostly standing and also sitting on the edge of my bed.  Chris rubbed my back because unlike with my last two I had a lot of pain in my lower back.  My mom was a constant source of support reminding me that I could do it and that I was doing well and to breathe and not tense up.  I found forcefully blowing out air during a contraction helped me through them the most, although at one point I got dizzy doing this and had to work hard to slow down my breathing.

At just after 3:00 pm I had been in hard labor and I reached that "I want to give up" point.  Chris and my mom were fantastic coaches and so encouraging!  They checked me and said I was only at 7 maybe 8 centimetres and I felt discouraged because now it was very painful.  But not long later as I sat on the edge of the bed I asked my mom to get me a hair tie to put my hair back when a contraction came and I immediately yelled to get the doctor. 

The doctors and nurses came tearing in and Chris said they came so fast that stuff was falling off the cart they were pushing in.  They told me to lay back on the bed but I couldn't move!  They had to help me.  After only four minutes of pushing Katelyn arrived at 3:44 pm.  I stared in awe as I saw her on my stomach and could hardly believe she was here! 

Katelyn means "pure" so her name is pure joy!  We chose this name because after our miscarriage in January 2011 she has brought us much joy after our grief.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This verse really helped us during our times of grief over the loss of our third child.  We knew the Lord knew what He was doing in our lives despite the fact our hearts were so broken.  Though we didn't know the "whys" or even see an "end" to our grief we DID know that Lord would lead us and guide us and ultimately had a plan for us. 

Now, when I stare at Katelyn's little face, caress her tiny feet, feel her small hand grasping mine; I am filled with awe and wonder at the sight of her.  Chris and I always said that we didn't want more than three kids.  When I found out I was pregnant for the third time I knew that according to OUR plans it would be my last time being pregnant and our last child. 

But God's plans were different from our plans.  After the loss of our third child I felt such a desire to be pregnant again.  It was hard and we had a lot of different emotions.  I knew all the plans, hopes, dreams, and even names we had talked about for our third child would never come to fruition.  I would never hold that baby, never give them a proper name, never see what their future would hold.  Miscarriage is not only grievous but also shatters your dreams. 

If things had gone according to OUR plans then Katelyn would never be here.  Without the loss of our third child Katelyn wouldn't be in my arms.  It is strange to think about it this way but also true.  We never planned on a fourth child and yet here she is! 

When I was pregnant with Katelyn I was scared!  I had come to realize how fragile life was and I knew how easy I could go from pregnant to not pregnant and I was scared to lose her!  The verse that the Lord continually spoke to my heart was "Trust in the Lord with all your heart."  And every time fear would grip my heart and thoughts of of loss and grief would fill my mind the Lord would simply respond with "Trust Me!" 



I do still mourn the loss of our third baby and will always wonder what might have been and both Chris and I think it is perfectly normal to feel and think this way.  You never get over a loss of a child either in the womb or outside of the womb.  But I do know that no matter what heartache you face you can have peace if you know the Lord and come to realize that He has a plan for you!

Katelyn has decided she has had enough of me being on the computer.  :)

Keeping Friends

Nathan is doing very well in school but is definitely struggling lately to maintain friendships.  I know this problem is common in kids with Aspergers but it doesn't mean I have to like it or even accept it!  We talk with Nathan and try to explain what a friend is and how to keep friends and how to be kind and flexible and so forth but not all of it sinks in. 

I know he has a tendency to overreact when other kids are not doing things "the right way" or "the way you are supposed to" and that can push kids away.  He also doesn't understand when someone says, "I don't want to be your friend anymore."  He finds it an odd statement since nearly everyone is his friend.  It just plain doesn't make sense to him. 

But overall he is doing better than we expected and his teacher says he is participating more and more in group activities and playing with a wider range of playground equipment, colors, etc. 

Little Miss Emma has decided she should be in school and ask everyday when she will get to go.  But I also think she doesn't mind too much being home with mommy and cooking and even getting a bath in the middle of the day!  Not too shabby I say!

I will be 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow! Hard to believe.  I am very uncomfortable at this point but it will all be worth it!

That's it for now!

Physical Therapy

Just a quick update.  Nathan's school finally hired a physical therapist which means as soon as this busy momma gets a chance I can go to Nathan's doctor to pick up his prescription for therapy and then he can start therapy at school.  He already does Occupational Therapy OT, and has made remarkable improvements but his balance and coordination still need work as well as some muscle weakness still present. 

This morning Nathan was in a terrible mood and crying and whining over everything and yelling at his sister and me!  He is supposed to have a play date today after school and I told him if he couldn't control himself I was cancelling.  Just before he got out of the van to go into school he blew me a kiss!  Very unusual for him.  I was just saying the other day how it's a shame he never seems excited to see me after school and doesn't seem to miss me so a blown kiss was special!

Nathan does not like the weekends because he said he would rather just stay at school.  We are happy he loves school so much but we also want him to understand that time with family is important. 

So that's about it for now! 

Orchestrated Steps

So I took Nathan to get a haircut today: I know  you are thinking, big deal, right?  But it's been years since I have taken him in because he tends to freak out.  I cut his hair myself it but it's not perfect at all.  He moves and complains and I've left the poor little guy with bald spots before when he turns at the wrong moment with the trimmer in my hand.  He doesn't like the noise the clippers make and he hates the hair pieces that get on him.  All in all, he HATES having his hair cut.


So yesterday I prepped him that I would be taking him in to get his hair cut.  He was not pleased.  He argued.  He complained.  He begged.

Today, I reminded him I was taking him in and he said, "Please, you just do it.  I think you do a good job."

But I told him with a wedding coming up I wanted his hair to look really good.

My intentions were to take him this morning but I spent all morning clearing out the kids room, cleaning up, rearranging.  (Nesting?) 

After lunch I took them to the park and dropped them off with Chris while I returned a DVD to the library but Chris found obscene writings and drawings on the park so I hurried back to the pick them up and we went to a different park.

I had intended to take him to get his hair done afterwards but it got too late so we came back, had a rest and a snack.

We went to a thrift store for a look around and then the moment of truth.  He was anxious as we went to Great Clips.  We walked in and the girl at the front desk said it would only be a minute and a woman came and said, "I can take you now."

Sometimes I hesitate to tell people, "Nathan, has Aspergers."  I want them to just treat him like any other five year old.

So I bumbled through a crazy, disjointed explanation of, "He's nervous and he might move around a lot. He doesn't like the sound of the clippers and he can get agitated."

She said, "I am sure he will do fine.  I'll take it slow."

"If you can just tell him what you are going to do first it will help."

Her reply, "My son is Autistic and hates having his hair cut so I know how to handle this."

"He has Aspergers!"

"That's what my son has," she replied with a smile.

And she was perfect!  Walked him through the whole thing and took her time and talked with him and she was wonderful!!!   And Nathan got a really nice hair cut.

Right person.  Right time.  Orchestrated steps..... 

And Nathan tore his clothes off as soon as he got into the house so he could have a shower to get the bits of hair off.  :)

"He Has Aspergers like you!" "Oh"

Where to start?

Nathan is officially in love with school.  He even boast about having no absences and makes sure to list who in his class has been absent before and how many times.  He knows EVERYONES name in his class and even kids from other classes.  When Chris called the school office about something he said he was calling regarding Nathan and the woman on the phone goes, "Nathan Tidball?  Oh, we know who he is!"  LOL  I bet they do!

Nathan actually does better during the week than on the weekends.  I think during the week he knows exactly what will happen and the schedule at school and he thrives on that!  Whereas our weekends are always different and we go places, run errands, get up later, etc. 

Nathan did report that he doesn't get along well with one girl and I won't go into details but the teacher has been made aware of what was happening and said she will take care of it.  We really like Nathan's teacher. 

We also have been informed that Nathan gets pulled out of class and gets to read to someone.  They said they are doing their best to challenge him.  I do admit we wish he could get into 1st grade for a more challenging education but at the same time I think he does well to be with kids his own age. 

Nathan knows the whole school schedule and what "special" they have every day. 

His first picture day is tomorrow and he said he HAD to have a red background for his picture.  His first field trip is Friday and I get to go with him!  Probably the first and only field trip I can attend since the baby will be here in February. 

We are having Nathan's birthday party early this year, in October.  A little girl from his class lives nearby and she comes and plays in the back yard with Nathan. Anyways, her mom called and said they would like to come to Nathan's party but she hesitated then said, "She has a brother who is nine and he has Aspergers and thinks he should get to go too."

I said, "No problem!  He is welcome!  Nathan has Aspergers too!"

She almost seemed excited and said she would like to talk and know what their options are.  Again, I feel so grateful we caught Nathan's early and he could spend a year at the Early Intervention and attend his social group and OT and PT.

I told Nathan about his friend's brother having Aspergers like him and he just said, "Oh."

Emma is enrolled in ballet.   She loves it!  And she is so cute in her tutu.

I am in my 6th month of pregnancy already.  Time seems to be passing fast.
 

We are Blessed

Well much has happened but it's becoming routine.  Nathan is loving school and hasn't really had any incidents.  The "incidents" that have popped up have been minor and settled at school.  He loves to go and they are trying to challenge him more especially with reading. 

Emma has been enjoying ruling the roost while Nathan is gone but today she really missed him.  She was being cranky and crying and I asked her what was wrong and she said she had no one to play with.  So I stopped my chores and played with her.  We colored for a long time together.  She kept calling me Nathan by accident ha ha!

We went Monday, the 26th, for an ultrasound.  My parents were able to come into the room with me and Chris was there along with Emma and Nathan.  It's hard sometimes doing ultrasounds and listening to the heartbeat and NOT thinking about baby #3.  I am happy about the little girl doing somersaults in my belly but my heart still aches at times.  You never get over the loss of a child no matter if you lose them at 3 months into your pregnancy or when they are older.  You learn to cope and you heal. 

For my ultrasound this time we were in the very same room as we went into one late morning on January 20th when we were scared.  Hopeful.  Prayerful.  The same room where the tech shook her head and said she was sorry.  The same room where we were told our baby had died.  I tried not to think of that as I lay on the table Monday.  The baby was literally doing flips in the womb and was so active the ultrasound tech said she had a hard time taking measurements because the baby kept moving. 

Nathan was devastated and cried when he found out the baby was a girl.  He wanted a brother so badly.  I had a feeling all along it was a girl and I was right.  I have a feeling the baby I lost was a boy... guess I have a 50/50 chance of being right with that too. 

Though I would never wish to lose a child, never hope to go through such pain- a part of me is grateful.  Don't get me wrong.  Like I said I would not choose this.  But losing a baby has given me the ability to better understand the loss of a child in the womb.  And like any heartache I was given the opportunity to be held by the Savior when I was too weak to even stand. 

Like a broken sheep that must be held close to the Shepherd's chest while it begins to mend; I was held tight the Savior.  During the times my grief seemed too heavy to bear the Shepherd whispered words to my aching heart.  Words meant only for me. 

Let me tell you; once you've been broken, once you've been held close by the Shepherd and touched by the Healer; you are never the same.  How could you be? 

Sometimes my heart aches at the fact that we are preparing a crib for this baby, readying our home, our children, and even clothes for the baby's arrival.  This was supposed to be for baby #3.  We should have had a nearly two month old keeping us awake at night but instead I am 5, almost 6, months pregnant with baby #4.

And I am smitten.  Every roll, every kick, every time I hear her precious heart beating with that Doppler I am grateful.  We can't think what MIGHT have been.  We can only move forward.  I know I will see baby #3 in heaven one day.  I am certain of it. 

We are blessed. 

School & Story

So Nathan is doing well at school!  He really is enjoying going and though Chris and I think it's academically a bit of a waste of time it's definitely good for him!  His teacher spotted me today and talked to me for a few minutes.  She said Nathan is doing very well and she seemed excited about it.  I think they all thought he would be more of a challenge.

It's very quiet during the day with him gone.  He makes a lot of weird noises and he is very loud and with him gone the house is very quiet!  Emma seems very content to do her thing! 

Today we walked to school..... well Nathan and Emma rode their scooters and I walked.  The trip there was fine.  Took 15 minutes but coming back was another story.  Emma fell and got the tiniest scrape EVER and decided it was life threatening enough to whine about it the whole way home... and mommy ended up carrying her scooter and Nathan's.  Not fun. 

Nathan's teacher did say she plans on doing her best to get Nathan moved to 1st grade reading.  I could tell the way she was saying it implied she really believed K reading was a waste of time for him. 

Also I am 18 weeks pregnant today!  Hooray! 

And I submitted my story to a contest and I am praying hard I will win because if I do I get published!  Hooray!

Better Late than Never

Trying to send out a quick update!

Today we meet with Nathan's teacher and then directly afterwards we meet with the school psychologist to get the 504 in place and to discuss the PT and OT Nathan will continue to receive.

Pray that we can talk with his teacher in a way that does not offend.  We have no problems with the Kindergarten curriculum but we want to make it clear that Nathan will need "more" than what might be being offered.  We were sent home a paper of what Nathan must know by the END of the year and he already knows these things. 

We also would like prayer that he will find good friends who are good influences.  Nathan is very much an imitator. 

He officially starts school on Thursday.  I am excited for him but also nervous.  He has never been to daycare, never to a pre-k, and not even in a Sunday nursery.    He's always been mine to watch and care for and now from 9-3:15 I have to trust someone else to do the job I have done for the last five, almost 6 years now. 

On other news I have made it to my 16th week of my pregnancy and it seems to be going well.  I have an appointment on Thursday after I drop Nathan off at school.

Emma is busy doing her thing.  I have told her she needs to work on her letters and numbers this year.  She will start Kindergarten next year and she could care less about numbers and letters. 

Today is also our wedding anniversary.  8 years!

I will apologize in advance for any typo's or spelling errors as I don't really have time to do a good edit. 

Wings As Eagles

It's been a while since I have updated my blog.  Not too many "new" things are happening at the moment.  Nathan will attend his last social group on Tuesday.  He is a little sad about this but he is also excited about starting school in September.  He will have one more OT session with Americ about mid- August.  It's been challenging to take Nathan to so many places and to so many appointments but we remain so grateful that the Lord so easily opened so many doors for Nathan.  We have seen many improvements.

When Nathan first attended his social group his teacher said her biggest concern was that he refused to interact with the other students and was only interested in talking to the adults in the room.  Now, Nathan has made friends and his best friend there is Alex. 

Now, without further delay I am going to tell you what happened at Greenwood Hills these last few days.  I wanted to write about this yesterday but I didn't have access to my computer then. 

We were able to attend the second family camp at Greenwood Hills from Wednesday night through Saturday afternoon.  My parents were there since my dad was one of the speakers.

  There was a little boy named Andrew there with his family.  Andrew is five years old just like Nathan.  He is a precious little boy.  But unlike Nathan, Andrew can not run.  Andrew can not walk.  Andrew can not talk.  He has spinal bifida. 

Below is a picture of Nathan with his friend, Andrew. 

Nathan went up to Andrew and talked to him.  He said, "Mom, Andrew doesn't talk to me."

I told Nathan that Andrew talked to him in other ways.  "When Andrew looks at you it means he is listening to what you are saying.  When Andrew smiles it means he likes what you are saying to him."  That was all it took.  Every day, several times a day, Nathan went right up to Andrew and would talk to him.  He asked questions and showed Andrew where he was missing his two front teeth. 

Nathan sincerely enjoyed spending time with Andrew and his family.  And in these last few days at camp I watched something beautiful unfold between the two of them.  Maybe Andrew could not speak in sentences but he spoke volumes.  I watched on the last day as Andrew's parents finished packing.  They put Andrew in the foyer and every single person who walked by Andrew stopped to tell him hello or say something to him.  And I watched their faces and I saw them smile.  Andrew, dear, precious Andrew, without saying a word was bringing joy to people.

His parents were wonderful.  They always were smiling and always looked happy.  I loved to watch the way Andrew would respond to his mom.  When he got noisy she'd tap his leg and he'd calm right down. 

So I said on facebook that yesterday Nathan was breaking my heart in all the best ways and that he made me cry.  But these were tears of both joy and absolute heartache.  After spending several days with Andrew, Nathan had really become attached to him.  Other children seemed to be nervous and unsure around Andrew but not Nathan. 

Some people might say, "Nathan is broken!  He has Aspergers.  There is something wrong with him!"

I've come to realize it's people like Nathan and Andrew who we should try to be more like.  Don't get me wrong.  Nathan had some challenges at camp.  We had a complete meltdown at the pool and he had a meltdown in the Annex over a basketball game.  It was hard.  But there is a quality that Nathan possesses that few others do.  Nathan hold no prejudice of any sort.  Everyone is his friend.  Everyone is someone to be talked to and socialized with.  It's beautiful really.  Nathan sees past what other's fear. 

And some might angrily cry out, "How could God do that to Andrew?  How could God leave him unable to talk and walk?!" 

Do not miss the beauty of a little boy like Andrew.  Remember how I told you how everyone who walked by him stopped to say hello and they smiled!  Smiled!  Andrew brings joy to people without ever saying a word to them. 

Now to tell you something Nathan said that made me cry when I took my shower that night.  Nathan said, "Mom, I am going to pray every day that God will teach Andrew to walk."    I told Nathan how proud I was of him and how happy Andrew would be to know that he was praying for him.  And later in my solitude I gave into the emotions and I wept hard in the shower.  I prayed for Andrew and his family and I thanked God for my sensitive little boy.  I also asked God to help me have more faith like a child's.  It was an emotional week as well since we have just surpassed the weeks in my pregnancy that we lost baby #3.  And I thanked God for baby #4 who thus far is growing well and doing ok!

Nathan has no doubt that praying for Andrew and asking God to help him walk will do just that.  He has no fears, no misgivings, no doubt at all in God's ability to teach Andrew to walk.  Later when I talked to Chris I said, "What if we all prayed like that?  What if we all started to pray with no doubts in God's ability?  What if we prayed with child like faith?  No science or facts or books to sway our thoughts or make us doubt.  Can you imagine what would happen?"

Maybe boys like Nathan and Andrew are not broken like the world would like to think.  Maybe it's the rest of us who are broken and when we pray and ask for something we begin to doubt even as the words leave our lips. 

Nathan laughed with absolute joy when I told him how one day, no matter what happened here on earth, that in heaven Andrew's body would be perfect.  He would not need his wheelchair and Nathan would see him running down the streets of gold.  Nathan was thrilled.  His response?  "Mom, when I get to heaven I am going to find Mr. Tim (taught the kid's meetings) and Andrew and give them a high five on the street of gold."

"But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31