"But they don't want to play with you..."

It's been a long time since I've updated but with the three kids, and lots of neighborhood friends and other happenings I have not taken the time to sit down and write an update!  So here goes!

Nathan is doing so well!  He is almost done with first grade.  He does complain it's too easy and he gets bored but still he is doing well.  He seems to be getting along with most of the kids at school and has made several friends.  He sort of has had a bit of a fall back when it comes to physical therapy.  This last report was not as good as his reports have been.  His main areas that he lacks in are coordination and balance.  He can't throw a ball the way a boy his age should and he can't seem to kick a rolling ball and his balance is not so good. 

But we have had victories!  Nathan is riding a bike!  This is huge!  Nathan could not ride a traditional bike.  He was not able to balance, pedal, and steer.  It was too much to do with his lack of motor skills.  But I found a really cool tricycle and now he is zipping around and so proud of himself!  So no, it's not an official bike but this proud momma doesn't care!  Close enough! 

 

Nathan's progress in the last few years is such that many say they can't even tell he has Aspergers anymore.  That is great but trust me... he has it.  :)  I am glad people "can't tell" but believe me if you were with him all the time you would notice.  Just recently he was playing with two boys in the yard and after yelling at them about rules and changing the rules and then threatening to "tell" on them they kids decided they'd had enough and left.  Nathan then came and asked me if he could go to their yard!

 

I explained that the boys left because they didn't like the way he was playing.  His reply, "Right, so I will go to their yard."  I again explained nicely they left because they didn't like the way he was playing and that he was being a little mean.  His reply?  "I know so I will go play with them in their yard."

 

My reply, "Nathan, you don't understand that they don't want to play with you."

 

He thought this over and replied, "That's why I will go to their yard."

 

So yes, he is smart and lovable but social things don't make much sense to him. 

 

He brought me a fake flower from school and he said, "Everyone threw theirs out but I gave mine to you."

 

I said, Oh Nathan!  Thank you for thinking of me!  How sweet.  I love it!  So nice for you to think of your mommy."

 

Nathan said, "Yeah well, I wasn't thinking about you.  I didn't know what to do with it so I gave it to you."  Ha ha!  Oh well!

 

He has been more affectionate lately.  I'm getting more hugs which is so nice!

 

Nathan's new obsession is chess.  He talks about it, plays it on his phone, plays it at Chess club, and plays it with a glass chess set. 

 

 

Another victory is has been a little more affectionate to me lately.   He especially enjoys texting my mom and he seems to really open up with her and tell her how he feels. 

 

Lately he has been doing this strange clap in his sisters face and I have asked him repeatedly to stop and finally I said, "Why do you keep doing that when I asked you to stop?"

He surprised me by saying, "I know I am not supposed to but I can't help it.  My Aspergers makes me do it."

Now whether or not that is true or he was trying to get out of a punishment I don't know but he has never said something like that before. 

 

 

Emma Grace is five and turning six this summer.  She is spirited and strong willed and loves to dance and sing. 

 

 

Emma loves to be a little mommy to Katelyn and Katelyn even calls Emma "Em Mom" sometimes. Ha ha!  She is helpful and imaginative.  She doesn't watch much TV.  She'd rather play with her toys, her friends, or go outside.  She is always on the go and sometimes she reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. 

 

Katelyn is 14 months old now!  That is crazy!  I remember when I could hold her with one hand because she was so small.  Now she is on the go.  She loves yogurt, she loves when her  brother and sister come home from school and she loves any visitors!  She is definitely a very social baby.  She listens very well and seems bright for her age.  She responds to most things we say and surprises us at how much she understands.  Her obsession is Mickey Mouse.  She likes to watch a Mickey show every morning while I have my coffee.  She is definitely a joy even when teething makes her cranky.

 



 Me?  I still love to cook and bake.  Though lately I am trying to be a little more careful and get rid of the rest of this baby weight!  I haven't had much time to write.  This blog alone has taken me 2 days to write and several sessions. But when I saw someone "liked" my blog on Pinterest I thought I'd better update it!   I still teach Sunday school and our yard always seems filled with children.  This has given us the opportunity to take a couple of these kids to church with us.

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Lately I feel like I have really fallen into motherhood.  I know... Nathan is 7 and so by now I should have already done this right?  But now I feel like I am a more confidant mother.  I trust my instincts, I am not afraid of a little crying when Katelyn is trying to soothe herself to sleep.  I feel like I am enjoying being a mother now more than ever. 

I am striving hard to enjoy every moment and understanding I can't really enjoy ALL the moments.  I love to be a mom but I don't love the dirty diapers and the crying.  I don't love teething and I don't look foward to potty trainging another child.  But I really have fallen into motherhood....finally.. ha ha! 

I am still nursing Katelyn in the morning and at night.  Some days I say, "Ok, she is too old and I am done with this.  I don't want to nurse anymore."  Other days I say, "Well, it's good for her, helps me burn calories, and soothes her when she is so upset so why not a little longer?"  I feel like society in general thinks it's weird to breastfeed and even weirder to breastfeed after 12 months but I don't care.  With Nathan and Emma I would have cared.  I would have scoured the internet and asked friends and doctors but now I am more confidant in my skills as a mom. 

I am not a supermom.  I end many of my days going to bed at 9:30 exhausted!  I lose my patience and I sometimes I yell.  But I am trying, like all us moms, to do this right thing. 

Chris is doing well and busier than ever at work.  It's nice to have him work from home.  I make him his  lunch and tea and I enjoy having sometime to talk to when he comes up for his lunch. 

I think that is enough of an update!  I will try harder to keep this blog updated but some days...  :)

 



Grief

My friend Alice once said, "Grief is physical."  At the time I thought it was a very interesting statement and though it intrigued me I did not truly understand it.  Now I do understand it.  Chris had stomach problems and pain in his stomach for days after we found out our little one was gone.  He had a hard time thinking and concentrating.  I had other physical symptoms associated with my grief.  My eyes were puffy and swollen so much so that I could not wear my contacts for two days.  I had to resort to glasses.  I didn't want to eat and I didn't want to even get out of bed but I also didn't want to be alone.  I had a migraine for days on end and I ended up dealing with a nasty sinus infection too.  I felt like my body was just giving in to everything.

Wanting the process to go naturally, I had planned to have a natural labor anyways, I couldn't imagine I would end up with Chris racing like a mad man to get me to the ER on Tuesday.  Due a complication it became quickly evident that we had to go the ER without delay.  It was such a scary experience and things were so bad I told Chris I loved him and to make sure the kids knew I loved them.  Rose, my mother in law, rushed over faster than even seemed possible and my parents soon joined us at the hospital.  Rachel headed to the house as soon as she was done with work.

I barely made it inside the ER as I felt faint and weak and shaky.  At one point as I lay on the hospital gurney in the ER, amidst the steady beep of my heart monitor and the noise of nurses and doctors going from room to room my mom said " you are dealing with this well emotionally."


First of all I felt too exhausted to cry. Thinking of it medically and what needed to be done medically made me for a moment forget what had been lost.

It was good to have family with me.  Chris stayed with me and my mom and my dad came back to see me.  My sister came to see me and we had a good laugh about a few things. 

When the nurse came to wheel me back she very nicely said "I'm really sorry for your loss." I would have cried and my eyes were wet but I had physically had no energy left to cry. At that point I was faint and dizzy and wasn't thinking straight anyways.

The surgery did not take long but it took a long time to wake me up.  They wanted to keep me overnight but I just wanted to go home. 

When we finally made it home around 2 am I insisted on going to tuck the kids in despite my shaky legs.

As soon as I saw them I wept but this time because of gratefulness. I felt blessed to have them.  I managed to brush my teeth and make it into my bed and once in my bed I wept for what I had.  I then cried for the baby my body labored for that night that we would never hold. It was a strange process.  My body had actually gone into labor trying to finish things off but it was unable.  It made it very painful.  What a strange thing to go into labor but have no baby to hold in my arms.  No finger and toes to count.  No birth announcements to make.

Someone sent me a book called Empty Arms and I highly recommend it to anyone who has had a miscarriage even if yours was years ago.  She writes it from a Biblical view point and I found it healing. 

I have to admit until now I never truly understood what someone went through who had a miscarriage.  Yes, I felt sympathy and would offer a prayer but now we all really understand that miscarrying is a process both physically and emotionally. 

I feel blessed to know the Lord is my Savior and to be able  to lean on His everlasting arms.  I feel secure knowing that when my knees buckle and I can't keep going He will pick me up and carry me.  I wrote this in a book once; Sometimes we have to walk through the valleys because it is only then we can climb the mountain. 

On Thursday when I was driving to the doctor; before I knew what was even happening for sure, I begged God not to take my baby.  I was unaware my baby had been gone for a while already.  I told God I was not strong enough and it would be more than I could handle.

But we what "tell" God and what God knows are two different things aren't they?  God knew even then that I was right.  I was unable to handle the coming days.  I was unable to handle the loss and grief alone.  But God is faithful.  It was as if God said, "You are right, Rebekah, you can't do this.  That's why I am going to hold you when you can't stand.  I will carry you when you can not walk.  I will give you hope when things seem hopeless and light when your day is dark.  I will give you peace that you won't understand.  I will give you family to support you and cry with you.  I will give you brothers and sisters in Christ who will lift you up to My throne.  Some of them will not even know you and will still pray and hurt with you.  And when you are tired I will give you my strenghth." 

Being a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ does not mean I believed I would walk on roses every day.  I have no anger or resentment towards the Lord.  One of the first things Chris and I agreed on was that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Do we still have faith?  Yes! Do we still believe in a loving God?  Yes.  We live in a fallen world full of sin.  If you do not know the Lord as your Savior please ask how you can.  Believe me when I say that even though Chris and I were devastated we both still had peace.  How and why?  It's beyond any explanation.  But we know people were praying for us and that Lord was with us. 

I'm going to end now because I am weary and exhausted and my thoughts are disjointed. 

Psalm 139 gives us assurance that our little one is in heaven today.

13 You created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.