Can't Believe I wrote that

I have finished the edit of Book One- which is named Remembering Our Love. I have now started editing book 2. This is called Hope Has Crosses. Or Hope's Crosses...iffy on which one I want to use.

Anyways, I wrote Hope Has Crosses in 2007. I wanted to write this book but I was sort of afraid. I kept saying,"What would people think?" "Is it over the top?" Then I decided I would write this book without holding back. I would not ask myself what people might think. I was going to go for it.

Now re-reading the book again I caught myself taking a big breath after the first chapter and going, "Whoa. This is intense." I wrote it. I know. But it's been a while since I wrote it and read it and part of me wondered again.....is it too much for Christian fiction?

It's not a pretty picture painted of the main character Julia. She is down and out. She does everything in the book that any Christian would gasp at. Yet, I wrote this book with a heart that said, "Life is not a fairy tale. Yes, I grew up in a Christian home with a loving family and had a nice life. But so many others have not." Your heart will break for Julia as she reaches the edge. My own heart broke so many times writing the story. I believe this book and book three were the hardest stories I have ever written.

To some it may seem silly but if my heart is not in my books and invested in my characters how can I ask anyone else to invest their hearts into my books? I want to write life changing fiction. I want people to read my stories and say, "Whoa."

I make sure the gospel message is clear in every book so if someone who is unsaved ever picks one up then they have a clear presentation of the gospel.

And for believers I would hope my book would offer encouragement, stronger faith, and an adoration for a God who would save the most unlovable of us all.

Inhaler Nerd

Not too much in life annoys me. People smacking gum annoys me. The car beeping because your keys are in it and the door is open annoys me. But they are small things. I know. I don't tend to be one of these people who will get all up in arms over something. I am generally a very happy person and I like to make people laugh and I like to have a good time.

I also like movies. I like action movies mostly. Don't ask me why. I just do. But even more than a poorly delivered line or a crocodinosaur or a man eating slug or something insane like that; the thing in movies that annoys me is the fact that if there is an asthmatic in a movie then they are a nerd or a wimp or weak or a loser.

I know. What does it matter? Well, in this world of Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, and blogging there comes a freedom to express ourselves or tell our friends what we just ate or to make big announcements all for the public to see. So why can't I express my annoyance over this matter?

I challenge people to name ONE movie in which there was someone with asthma and they were strong or the main character or not a pitiful weakling sucking on an inhaler at the first sight of a bully.

First of all, I have asthma. I've had it pretty much since I was born. It's gotten better as I have gotten older. I used to be embarrassed about my asthma, thanks to a very unkind principle. I was the kid always puffing on an inhaler or taking breathing treatments just so I could get a breath of air. I spent time in the back of ambulances and in hospitals being given steroids when I couldn't breath. But in no way do I consider myself a wimp or a nerd.

I was able to participate in sports like softball, soccer, cheer leading, and golf. I rode my bike, I ran.

Will I get up in arms over the fact that people with asthma are often portrayed in movies as weaklings or nerds? No. It doesn't really bother me....just annoys me. :o)

Just once I would like to see a macho man with asthma or a tough guy or a tough girl for that matter. I know football players who have asthma...o.k. so not personally but I know there are some...at least I am pretty sure.....

Anyways, if you can find ONE movie, ONE character, who has had asthma in a movie and NOT been the weakling, the wimp, the nerd...then let me know. I am very interested to see if there are any. I've never seen one.

I forgot

This week I started back at the gym. For the longest time going to the gym was a given. I went even when I did not feel like it. But for months now it has been an off and on kind of thing. I would still go for a walk or do a video at home but I was not really getting that intense workout like I would at the gym.
So Monday came and I told my husband I was going to go to the gym. That night after I put the kids in bed I did not want to go. I was tired. It had been a long day and sitting on the couch and watching t.v. or just talking with Chris sounded great to me. As a matter fact it had become a habit as of late to do these things.
I went anyways.
I loved it! I forgot how good it feels to get your heart pumping, to listen to my music and tune out the world and tune into my body.
I forgot how fun it is to get on the treadmill and run!
I was not planning on running Monday. Any runner knows that unless you keep running then it's like starting over. When I was running all the time last year I could run a 8 minute mile. That was fantastic for me! But when I got the on the treadmill a song came on my MP3 that I used to always run to. And before I knew it was I running.
I hit a mental block after like 3 minutes- no joke. My head said, "You can't run. It's been too long. This is hard. My shins hurt. You don't need to run. Just stop." Then I found that zone. You know? The zone where everything in your head that says, "You can't" gets turned off and your stride is perfect and your step is perfect and your breathing is perfect. Needless to say I only ran a mile on Monday but it was a good mile, if that makes sense.
I enjoyed it. I loved it! Even though my poor sneakers have way too many miles on them and the tread is actually coming away from the bottom of my shoe.....hmmm I need new sneakers.
I also remembered why I loved running in the first place. It just feels good! It's fun. And I missed it. Besides, in some ways it's like being a kid again. You get to go fast! ha ha
Anyways, I was able to go to the gym on Tuesday, I did not run though. I did a lot of weights and then cardio on the elliptical. I plan on going tonight and you know what? I am looking forward to going tonight. :o)

Saying No Again

I was reading some old notes on Facebook that I had posted after I had lost all that weight. I saw a before and after picture I posted. I realized that one thing I did all the time was say NO when I was changing my lifestyle and learning to eat healthy and exercise hard.

I had to say NO to food.

I had to say NO to buying things I knew I wouldn't resist.

I had to say NO to chocolates for my birthday or holidays.

I had to say NO to staying home to watch my favorite shows and opt instead for at least an hour at the gym.

I had to say NO to sitting around and had to make sure I was moving through out the day.

I had to say NO to people who offered me seconds.

I had to say NO to french fries and fried food in general.

I had to say NO to the words, "I give up," and "this is impossible."

I had to say NO to being "too tired" to workout or go for a walk.

I had to say NO to donuts and watch while others ate them.

I had to say NO to being overweight, unhealthy, uncomfortable.

I had to say NO to a cheat day or "just this once."

I had to say NO I am not happy like this even though I say I am.

I had to say NO more!

Make NO a new part of your vocabulary.

Don't be afraid to say NO. No Thanks. Not Today. Maybe another day, another time.

I still have about 15-20 pounds to go before I hit my goal and then I wish to maintain for my life. I have slipped. I have ridden a yo-yo up and down with four pounds up and four pounds down. I need to learn to say NO again.

I need to learn to find my reason again. When you lose weight you need a good reason to do it and stick with it. I did it before and I know I can do it again but now I know that it is not an easy road to take. It's harder to face. Harder to commit. Hard not to say, I've had enough and this is good enough.

These past couple of years I have become more aware of my body and what food does for it and what exercise does for it. You are given one body, one life. You can not trade it in. You can not start over. You can not get another one. We will not be made perfect until God calls us to our real home.

Will I lose the last 15-20 pounds? I think so.

I enjoy a challenge. I enjoy accomplishing hard things. I need to find that enjoyment in feeling my body change and become healthier.

When? I don't know. I have to find that reason again. That motivation. The push. The drive. And I have to adopt the word, NO.

Tired Arms, Endless Thanks

Last night, around midnight, came a very upset cry from Emma's room. I'd gone to bed early hoping to catch up on some sleep but Emma it seems, had other plans for me. I went to her room and she was thrashing in her bed, very upset.

I offered her the pacifier and her Lovey but she refused them and cried even louder. She cried harder and harder. I tried to pick her up but she pulled back and continued to wail. I asked her if she just wanted mommy to leave and as I turned to go her crying lessened and she reached out to me.

Picking her up, she rested her head against my shoulder, wrapped her little arms tight as she could around me, and let out a heavy sigh. Her crying ceased and she held onto me for dear life. I began to quietly sing Jesus Loves Me to her as I swayed back and forth. She only weighs around twenty eight pounds but at mid-night, already tired, my arms felt heavy and tired. My first instinct was to grumble. I needed sleep. Tomorrow was church and I was on snack which means I needed to be there early and absolutely could not sleep in.

I realized Emma's breathing was slowing and her tight grip on me was relaxing; she was drifting back to sleep. I also realized a part of me wasn't quite ready to put her down. It felt good to hold her, to comfort her, to sing to her in the dark hours. Like a flood memories came back to me. I thanked God for my little girl, prayed for her, and held her longer than I really needed to.

I remembered a time when having a baby seemed impossible. I was young. So was Chris. Why weren't we able to get pregnant? I remember the tears, the prayers, the long talks, the what if's and the endless doctor appointments and tests. I know it only took us a year when for others it takes so much longer than that but even so that year was a tough one, emotionally.

I remembered pouring my heart out to God. I knew with Him all things were possible but even so He might have had other plans that what I had planned. I prayed and litterly begged God for a baby and I even went so far as to ask Him for a boy. He gave me the desires of my heart. That month I got pregnant. It was no surprise to me when the ultrasound tech told me I was having a boy. I wanted to tell her, "I know."

That first pregnancy I did EVERYTHING by the book and maybe even beyond. I didn't drink a single drop of coffee or tea fearing what it would do to the miracle I'd prayed so hard for. I made them switch one little communion cup at church to white grape juice fearing what even one drop of wine would do to my baby. I refused any medication, even Tylenol, and took my vitamins every single day. After all, I knew fine well that what God gives He can also take. I hate that that I ever thought like that but I did!

When I was six months pregnant, we had just moved into our first home. On maybe the second or third morning of being in our new home I woke up with horrible pains in my stomach. I was terrified. "I'm losing my baby," I thought. Chris rushed me to the ER barely able to stand. He checked me in and as he parked the car the woman at the front desk came over and talked to me. I was in tears and in tremendous pain. I prayed. I am not really sure of what all the woman was talking about but it did help to distract me. She was kind and understanding and stayed with me until Chris returned.

They wanted to give me medicine for the pain. I refused. They said the baby would certainly get some of the medicine through me but not enough to do real harm. It was too risky for me to even chance it. It felt like an eternity before they brought over the little Doppler and put it on my stomach. I prayed to hear a heartbeat. "Please, don't take my baby. It's more than I could bare," I remember praying. Then I heard the most comforting sound. My baby's heart beating strong and sure. The more calm I become the more the pain lessened. They did an ultra sound and then sent me to maternity ward for observation. I remember listening to the steady and sure beat of my baby's heart. I prayed. I thanked. I cried.

I was sent home with a diagnosis of muscle spasms. Little did I know the next 3 months I would suffer with these spasms so bad that I would cry in pain. I would have to stop mid-grocery shop and find a chair when they hit. I got the point where Chris had to come with me to shop. I couldn't do it by myself anymore. And all I ever thought was, "This is so hard but it will be so worth it."

Only a day or two after that ER visit Nathan would decide to scare the living daylights out of me. He was so active in the womb that one day, mid-morning, I realized I hadn't felt him move all day. Off to the ER again. Even the doctors sounded concerned on the phone. This time though, right as we were about to pull into the parking lot for the hospital I told Chris to pull over. I'd felt something. Sure enough, a kick, a movement, then another and another.

So needless to say, when the time came, and I got to hold my baby in my arms I was overjoyed. We named him Nathan, which means gift of God and gave him the middle name of Ross, which is my dad's middle name.

Then there is little miss Emma. The one who according to the medical world wouldn't happen. I had mentioned to my doctor that maybe one day we would like to have another baby. He told me flat out that he didn't think it would happen for us, not without some help of some sort. Four months later, I was pregnant. :o) Our big surprise. Another gift from a loving Savior who saw fit to give us more than we even asked for or hoped for.

So back to the present. As I laid Emma back in her crib and tucked her beneath her purple Tinkerbell blanket; I stayed a moment longer watching her. I fought the tears at all the memories that had come flooding back. I stroked her cheek, smoothed her hair back, and took one more moment to appreciate the little girl that God has blessed us with. Yes, even at mid-night.

I thought of others I know who have lost their children or who have been through illness with their children like cancer. I thanked God once more for two healthy children. I thanked God that yes, even at mid-night I had a little one I could hold and comfort.

Basic Human Needs

There is something altogether satisfying about meeting the most basic of human needs. One of those needs happens to be eating.

I find it strangely satisfying to feed my family. I like to watch my children take bites of something I have made, knowing that I am filling their tummies and helping them to grow. I find it exciting to make something I know my husband loves and then watch as he enjoys it. It is satisfying to me to watch their hunger be satiated.

Saturday we had a man from Direct T.V. here installing new wires and doing who knows what. He ran into endless problems and ended up being here from 12 p.m. to 9 p.m.! It was so cold that day and I felt terrible for him as he shivered out in the cold. I did make him a cup of hot coffee and he was quite pleased with that.

As the night wore on I knew I needed to feed my family. At the same time I knew this man, his name was Tony, had been toiling away and he too must have been hungry. We offered him a seat at our table but he was too busy to stop but did mention he might want something later.

By nine he was tired and exhausted and probably partially frozen. He sat down at our dinner table and enjoyed a heaping plate of lamb stew, carrots, mashed potatoes, fresh green salad, and three hot biscuits.

As Tony ate I couldn't help but feel satisfied knowing we as a family were meeting a very basic need of another human being. A need to eat. I also realized as he sat at our table he must have seen the verses hanging on our wall. He might have wondered why we bothered to serve him a hot meal and not just assume he could get something from a fast food chain.

When he left Chris handed him a couple tracts and he was on his way. I thought about the fact that perhaps this might be a new beginning for him. Maybe in wondering why a family he was doing a job for would feed him, and give him cups of hot coffee, and exhibit patience in a frustrating process; he might then wonder what was the difference? What did we as a family have that other families did not?

Not to say that none of his other costumers have never fed him. Maybe they have and maybe they haven't. All I know is that I couldn't stop thinking of Matthew 25:33-45. Jesus told them when he was hungry they had fed him and thirsty they had given Him a drink. And they asked, "When did we do this?" The basic thought I was thinking rest mostly with verse 40. "When you did it to the least of these...you were doing it to me."

I told Chris later that night my thoughts and we both came to same conclusion. In these verses rested the very truth that in meeting this man's basic needs for nourishment, if we did as unto the Lord, then it was just the same as if the Lord was seated at our table that night and enjoying a hot meal.

Imagine then the other side. If we had NOT offered this man a meal, if we had not offered him something to drink, if we had not met his very basic needs, in turn it would have been just as bad as if we had not met the needs of own Lord Jesus Christ. In God's eyes all people are special and precious and not one is above another. It also talks about entertaining angels unaware.

Though I am quite sure that Tony the Direct T.V. guy was not an angel, at least both Chris and I could go to bed that night knowing that in some small way we had met his needs and maybe with time and prayer he will come to know the reason why.

Hope

I think my favorite explanation of the word hope here would be to desire with expectation of obtainment. In other words you want something and you fully expect to get it.

Romans 5:1-11 (New King James Version)
Faith Triumphs in Trouble
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. 6 For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him. 10 For if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. 11 And not only that, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation.



We often say we hope we get this or that. Or if we are pregnant we might say we hope we have a boy or a girl. We might even say we hope the Eagles win the game or we hope we get to watch it. We might hope someone brings a big chocolate cake like Ginny’s to the potluck or Pat’s hash brown casserole.



The word Hope is often overused and misused. It’s o.k. to hope for these things and desire these things. But I think the true meaning of hope is to sincerely desire something with all our hearts.



I saw a saying recently that said when the world tells you to give up, hope tells you to try one more time. How many of us have heard stories about people who were told they would never walk again, talk again, or maybe a loved one would not live and then that person did live, or did walk again? And you hear the newscaster or the friend of the family member talk about how that person that overcame never gave up hope.



The question is what are we hoping in?



Life is hard. It’s not always easy. And sometimes even when we hope for things and sincerely desire things they don’t happen. Things are constantly changing. You buy a computer and it’s brand new but within a year it’s considered outdated and old. Fashion changes. People change. Your friends will sometimes let you down and your family will sometimes let you down. The world is full of sin and nothing stays constant.



But there is one thing we can all hope in and be assured of.



Hebrews 13:8 says:
8Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Romans 5:5 Hope does not disappoint.



Hope in Christ will not disappoint because He is unchanging. If you can trust Him today and hope in Him today you can trust in Him and hope in Him tomorrow. If He is faithful today then he will be faithful tomorrow. If He is sufficient today then He is sufficient tomorrow; even when tomorrow brings sorrow.



It’s easy to say you have faith and hope in Christ when things are going good. It’s a whole lot harder when things just aren’t working out or life becomes heartbreaking. But be assured that hope in Christ will not disappoint. When life seems hard, when your heart begins to break, when the days are dark and the nights are lonely then Hope in Christ.



We hope for things much more important than a football game or a chocolate cake or anything like that. We hope for a future with the One who lived and died for us. No matter how hard this life gets, and be assured there are Christian in other countries facing death and persecution and that could happen here in America and in many ways it already has, but no matter how hard life gets we Hope in Christ. We know that one day He will call us all home to be with Him. We have a salvation that we have been assured of and that will never be taken from us.

Here is something I found: The devil loves to attack and destroy our hope whenever he can. If our faith is weak, our hope will easily fall when the trials and tribulations come our way. The devil’s primary weapon to destroy our faith is doubt. Trials and tribulations are often secondary weapons used in conjunction with doubt. The combination of these weapons can be overwhelming for us if we are not firmly grounded in our faith in Christ.

Satan is the king of hopelessness, and he is a total liar. He has no hope of redemption and seeks to recruit others to adopt his hopelessness for their own lives. We need not believe the devil’s lies, since we have every hope of redemption and forgiveness through faith in Jesus Christ!



1. Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

2. Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

3. Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.