The Broken-hearted

8 1/2 years ago I had a hernia surgery just above my belly button. And ever since I have had pain. It turns out I have scar tissue and the surgeon said possibly a new hernia under the mesh net.  My surgery is scheduled for June 30.

 It turns out it ended up being a very dramatic day going to see the surgeon.   I had an idea that she may say I needed surgery again.   But I wasn't prepared for something else that would hit me when I walked into that office.

 Just over five years ago Chris and I were pregnant with our third child.  A pregnancy that once again stunned my doctors that even at one point told me it was "impossible" to get pregnant on my own.
 But our God is a God of the impossible's.  So here I was for a third time pregnant and my doctor seem to shake their head in wonderment.

 My OB/GYN office was under construction. And they had moved into a temporary office.   The day that I found out that our third baby had no heartbeat it was in the temporary office.   Not long after that they move back into their permanent office and I never had to go back to that same building.   Until the day I went to see my surgeon who had moved into a new office.   Would you believe that the new office the surgeon moved into was the same office that my doctor had been in temporarily?

 As soon as I walked in I knew I was in the same place.  I tried not to think about it. After all time does help to heal your wounds.   But as I sat there in that waiting room all those feelings began to come back to me. I actually had a hard time even remembering what medicines I was allergic to and could not even write them all down. Thankfully the nurse said they have them on record. My blood pressure was even very low. And I felt faint.   The doctor was very quick and confirmed that I need surgery and set up a date.

 I held it together as I left. But as I got into the elevator a pregnant woman got in with me.   I remembered going to that office in looking at the other pregnant bellies knowing that mine was no longer supporting a life anymore.   I remember what a failure I felt like.  As soon as I got to the van I cried my eyes out.   Chris called me and I told him how I needed the surgery. He was very supportive but he did not quite understand why I was so upset.  But then I told him that it was the same office where we went when we found out that our third baby did not have a heartbeat.   He comforted me as best he could. My mom called me too. My dad text me to say he was praying for me.   Isn't family great?

 I went to pick up Katelyn from my friends house.  As soon as I saw her I cried some more. She held me for a while not even knowing what was wrong with me.   Then she made me a cup of coffee. And we had a talk.  She said we never know what things will affect us from
Traumatic events. I had no idea I would have been so upset going back there.

But I am reminded even in this of my blessings. I have my fourth baby girl Katelyn. Her name means "pure" and her middle name is Joy. Pure Joy. The doctors called me "lucky" but I know better.

I am reminded that grief, that soul wrenching grief that physically hurts because  it's so powerful, can pop back up at any moment. That is why day by day we need our Savior. I am reminded of the peace I felt even in the turmoil. I am reminded how it felt to be held and carried by my Heavenly Father when I was too weak to stand. I remember how being held meant I so close that He spoke words only meant for my heart that I don't feel I would share and yet I won't ever forget them. I remember how I felt the prayers of so many like a heavy blanket across my weary heart.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.

I am disappointed that after the 30th I will need time to recover because I love having my kids home in the summer. I enjoy their company and all the activities we do. And I don't find asking for help to come very easily to me.

But it will work out. :)

I am not looking forward to going back to that office for my post op appointment but perhaps this time I will be more prepared!

Trying New Things

 After having a lot of knee pain I ended up going to the doctor to see what was going on. I have had an x-ray and now an MRI.   My orthopedic said that my cartilage is breaking down in both of my knees. Even though only one of my knees , my right one, is bothering me.

 The MRI showed that I had some fluid on my knee and some inflamation. The doctor wants to give me a shot this coming Monday.   I am not looking forward to that.

 I have been told I have to stop running and stop doing squats.   Also they want me on Naproxen and glucosamine/chondroitin.  I do not like taking Naproxen as I do not like taking medicine in general.  But I am taking it temporarily to try it out. But so far it does not seem to be making that much of a difference.

 I miss running.

 I have bought myself some rollerblades and I have been biking more and doing different things at the gym. I have been focusing more on weight training and less on cardio. I am now 1 pound less than my goal weight.

 But I still miss running.

 When one of my favorite running songs comes on the tempraion is there just to get on the treadmill and run anyways. But my knee pain is definitely stopping me from doing that.  My knee often hurts just walking or even doing the elliptical anymore.

 But I still miss running!

 There is nothing like running and nothing gives you the same feeling. Pushing past your limits, going faster,  and beating your last time.   I had gotten where I was able to run 3 miles in 30 minutes or less.   Every time I wanted to quit and give up I would do something strange. I would actually go faster.   Every time my head said I wanted to stop I would make the treadmill go faster or if I was outside I would run faster.   Or I would turn up my music or make sure he had a peppy song on.

 Rollerblading has been fun  but it is not the same as running.   I am trying to come to the realization that I should not run anymore. I know it is bad for my knees since I am already having knee problems.   I do have to say that the appeal of going to the gym has lessoned for me. I would rather go outside and ride my bike or rollerblade than go to the gym and do the elliptical.   So I have been focusing more on weights and getting toned.

 I am the type of person who needs a goal. Right now my goal is to learn to do pull-ups.   Having done mostly running and biking most of my strength is in my legs.   My arms have always been pretty weak and mushy.  Ha ha  but now my arms are changing. I  actually have muscles in my arms now that you can see!

 When I began trying to do pull-ups   I did it with 100 pounds of assistance. Which means I was not really pulling up much of my own bodyweight. The assistance was helping me lot.  Now I am down to 50 pounds of assistance.   I haven't quite been able to get beyond that.  On the weights that you pull down I can now pull down 90 to 110 pounds.  The trick is getting the weights down and I have to hang on the weights until I get them all the way down and then I can use my arms to do them.   On the pull back row weights I do around 80 pounds.   On the curl machine I am doing about 40 pounds.   The calf machine I can do 90 pounds. I avoid the other leg machines as they hurt my knees. Seeing as how I started most of these weight machines at around 20 pounds I have  come a long way!

 As far as food and nutrition goes Chris and I have really enjoyed the website Skinny Taste!  She makes very normal family friendly recipes but just shows you how to lighten them up a little bit with less calories.

 If anyone is actually interested my calorie goal is 1500 a day.  Most days I am right on that goal. Some days if I have been extremely active I might eat around 1600 a day.  I never say I am on an official diet.   It's not like I'm not allowed to eat a piece of cake or I have to stay away from carbs or I'm taking some kind of shake or supplement. I am just eating better foods and less of them. And exercising more.

 I am trying a new recipe tonight for a quinoa casserole. If it taste pretty good maybe I can post it on here.

 Well that is it for now!  Back to work ! :)

New Style

I haven't blogged in a while because nothing all that new is happening with us. :)

I am thinking of doing some more fitness and diet based posts for anyone interested. My idea to write about my work outs and what we are eating and recipes.

Chris has lost 32 pounds now! I have lost 41 and hit my goal weight.

Our plan is to keep the weight off of course!  I feel like I understand nutrition better now and have a better handle on it that I ever have before.

 So I am not sure if anybody would be interested but in case you are I am hoping to update more often with more fitness and exercise posts.

Nathan had a dentist appointment today and he did great! So did Emma and Katelyn. Going to the dentist used to be such a stressful day for everyone!

The end.... For now....