"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to give you a hope and a future."

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Friday, June 17, 2016

The Broken-hearted

8 1/2 years ago I had a hernia surgery just above my belly button. And ever since I have had pain. It turns out I have scar tissue and the surgeon said possibly a new hernia under the mesh net.  My surgery is scheduled for June 30.

 It turns out it ended up being a very dramatic day going to see the surgeon.   I had an idea that she may say I needed surgery again.   But I wasn't prepared for something else that would hit me when I walked into that office.

 Just over five years ago Chris and I were pregnant with our third child.  A pregnancy that once again stunned my doctors that even at one point told me it was "impossible" to get pregnant on my own.
 But our God is a God of the impossible's.  So here I was for a third time pregnant and my doctor seem to shake their head in wonderment.

 My OB/GYN office was under construction. And they had moved into a temporary office.   The day that I found out that our third baby had no heartbeat it was in the temporary office.   Not long after that they move back into their permanent office and I never had to go back to that same building.   Until the day I went to see my surgeon who had moved into a new office.   Would you believe that the new office the surgeon moved into was the same office that my doctor had been in temporarily?

 As soon as I walked in I knew I was in the same place.  I tried not to think about it. After all time does help to heal your wounds.   But as I sat there in that waiting room all those feelings began to come back to me. I actually had a hard time even remembering what medicines I was allergic to and could not even write them all down. Thankfully the nurse said they have them on record. My blood pressure was even very low. And I felt faint.   The doctor was very quick and confirmed that I need surgery and set up a date.

 I held it together as I left. But as I got into the elevator a pregnant woman got in with me.   I remembered going to that office in looking at the other pregnant bellies knowing that mine was no longer supporting a life anymore.   I remember what a failure I felt like.  As soon as I got to the van I cried my eyes out.   Chris called me and I told him how I needed the surgery. He was very supportive but he did not quite understand why I was so upset.  But then I told him that it was the same office where we went when we found out that our third baby did not have a heartbeat.   He comforted me as best he could. My mom called me too. My dad text me to say he was praying for me.   Isn't family great?

 I went to pick up Katelyn from my friends house.  As soon as I saw her I cried some more. She held me for a while not even knowing what was wrong with me.   Then she made me a cup of coffee. And we had a talk.  She said we never know what things will affect us from
Traumatic events. I had no idea I would have been so upset going back there.

But I am reminded even in this of my blessings. I have my fourth baby girl Katelyn. Her name means "pure" and her middle name is Joy. Pure Joy. The doctors called me "lucky" but I know better.

I am reminded that grief, that soul wrenching grief that physically hurts because  it's so powerful, can pop back up at any moment. That is why day by day we need our Savior. I am reminded of the peace I felt even in the turmoil. I am reminded how it felt to be held and carried by my Heavenly Father when I was too weak to stand. I remember how being held meant I so close that He spoke words only meant for my heart that I don't feel I would share and yet I won't ever forget them. I remember how I felt the prayers of so many like a heavy blanket across my weary heart.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.

I am disappointed that after the 30th I will need time to recover because I love having my kids home in the summer. I enjoy their company and all the activities we do. And I don't find asking for help to come very easily to me.

But it will work out. :)

I am not looking forward to going back to that office for my post op appointment but perhaps this time I will be more prepared!