Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Lately I feel buffeted. Once I leveled out with my hormones I was not as emotional and once the grief was not so raw I was able to talk to people about the loss of the baby without crying. But these last few weeks have been challenging.
I've always had insomnia but it was something that would come and go. But a few weeks after we lost the baby I had really bad insomnia that wasn't going away. I even asked the doctor about sleeping pills. I would lay awake for endless hours only to have to get up early in the morning to take Nathan to an appointment. I was dragging through the day.
I asked for prayer about the insomnia and guess what? The last few nights I was able to fall asleep quickly and stay asleep. It seemed a victory until I began to have nightmares that made me wake up feeling emotionally drained. Then, yesterday while driving in the car I felt like fear was getting a grip on me. Things entered my mind that I don't feel free to share on a public forum. I was beginning to feel despair take hold until I realized fear is not of the Lord. Satan was trying to get a foot hold in my life while I was weak.
So I prayed. My kids were quiet in the car, which is unusual.
I asked the Lord to take the fear away and to replace it with peace. I knew I needed to trust the Lord. I had to let go of the fears and the despair and lean on His everlasting arms.
I had a mental picture in my head that I would love to paint one day. I pictured a woman with long flowing hair, standing on a lone rock in the midst of a raging sea. Her hair is being blown back and she is facing the raging sea with a determined look on her face. Instead of fumbling in the blowing winds she is standing straight and strong.
Christ is our rock in the middle of an unsteady and raging ocean. The winds and waves would sweep us away, overtake us, cause us to fail and falter but instead we can stand firm and straight. We can trust that the rock is unmovable. And the same Creator who caused the winds to blow, can with a few words command the winds and seas to cease and to be still.
When Jesus stood before Pilate in the judgment hall, Pilate tells Jesus, "Don't you know I have the power to take your life or to let you keep it?"
Can you imagine? Pilate is looking at the Son of the God, the Creator of the Universe, and saying he has power.
We are the same. We want to think we are strong and can take on any challenge but heartache comes and knocks us down. You have to face your fears and your weakness and realize we need a solid rock to stand on amidst a unsteady and every moving sea.
That's my thoughts these days, as disjointed as they seem at times.
I need my Savior every hour of every day. I fight fear and uncertainty and know my God never changes. I can stand on a rock facing the insurmountable waves and be assured that I will not be moved. What is faith if it is never tested?
Words: Annie S. Hawks, 1872
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.
I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.
I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.