"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to give you a hope and a future."

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Monday, January 31, 2011

OT Strides

Nathan made some good strides with his Occupation Therapy today! Yay!  His therapist, Americ, said she thinks he just trust her more now.  I think he just knows what to expect.  After all, Nathan doesn't like the unknown things.  The first time around I think he was sort of feeling her out and trying to figure what was going to happen. 

So that is good news!  He did well and he cooperated and didn't hardly complain about the task at hand.

The Mawhinny's brought us an amazing dinner tonight. 

Nana stopped by this afternoon and the company was nice.  Rose stopped by this evening for a short visit.

This is the shortest blog ever...maybe.  :o)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Are you OK?

“Are you o.k.?” People keep asking me this. I know they mean well…and if you have asked me this; be assured I know you mean well too. But I don’t know what to say besides, “Yes, I’m o.k. but I’m tired.” What I really mean is, “No! I am not o.k. It’s going to be a long time for me to be o.k.....and I am tired too!"

People tell me I am strong. I don’t feel strong. People tell me I am taking it well. Honestly, I’m not. Maybe I shouldn’t be so honest on a public forum. What do I know?

This is how I view it and just maybe you can understand.

Most of us know how it’s said, “God is the potter and we are clay.” He shapes and molds us into something beautiful.

Well right now I feel like an unshaped, unattractive, unusable object that is fit for very little if any use. My grief has left me wanting to shrink away from people and to be alone but at the same time I am afraid to be alone. My sister came over today while Chris took my mom to the airport so I don’t have to be alone. Why? Because when I am alone I am left to face the silence and in my silence my grief seems to wash over me. I have been having a hard time praying. It’s not that I don’t feel close to God and it’s not that I don’t feel His peace.

It’s just the fact that right now I don’t feel much like talking to anyone. Talking is….painful. When the kids are napping I have either had the distraction of my mom, dad, Chris, or the TV. It’s not quiet. To really commune with God means I am going to have to be alone, in the quiet, and talk to my Savior. He doesn’t often speak to us in the storm or the strong winds but in a still small voice. The Bible says we have to “be still” to hear this. We have to quiet our hearts and our minds and silence the distractions around us to truly hear Him speak to our hearts.

But it’s in the quiet times the tears want to come. Nobody wants to feel exposed but for God to get at the problem He has to open our hearts and expose the pain. It hurts to be exposed. It’s painful to confront grief and heartache. It just plain hurts.

That’s why I reference the potter and clay. For clay to be molded and formed into something useful it has to be pushed and pulled and pressed and tugged and smashed down and rebuilt. That’s how I feel right about now. I am being pushed and pulled and smashed. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s not fun. I feel exposed beneath the Savior’s hands as He opens the weak spots revealing my pain and hurt.

But what we often don’t realize is in the midst of the shaping is that He is not pushing and pulling too hard. He is not trying to break us. He is shaping us with the right amount of pressure to turn us from something unshaped and unusable into something that is beautiful and something that is fit for His use. It hurts. It’s not fun. It might even feel like it will never end and just when we think we can’t take anymore we get placed in the fire. It huts even more. The fire rages around us pulling out any imperfections and weakness that has been left. The heat closes those exposed wounds and seals them tight.

And when you think you can’t stand it alone you realize the Potter has been there the whole time. Waiting and watching for the right moment to pull you out. And when the fires have cooled and the Master examines His work you have gone from unshaped and useless to something fit to be used by the King of Kings. You realize all those dark and painful spots have only added beauty to the final product. And in your joy you look over at the other unshaped lumps of clay and you say, “Hey! They are about to go through the same painful shaping I just did. Maybe I can help. I can let them know the painful part will come to an end and there is hope!”

That’s how I look at it. But I am still not even close. I am still in the lumpy phase. Still being painfully shaped into something…..

That’s when family and prayers help. We need encouragement and support and love from both the Savior and our earthly family and friends. We need support from the others who have been through the fire. We need others rallying around us saying, “I’ve been there! You are right; it does hurt. But you will make it through and I am going to pray for you as the fire rages around you.” I’ve been amazed at how many people have “been there.”

But even if I was alone I know I am never truly alone.

Maybe Franny Crosby can express it better than I could in my feeble mumblings.

Words: Fanny Crosby,

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?

Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread;
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter,
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Here We Go

People tell me it's helpful and healing to write about the things have happened.  Why?  Is it healing because it makes me cry or because it gets all those thoughts out on paper?  Who knows!

So here we go....

Thursday, January 20th, started out as a typical day.  I woke up pregnant hungry.  If you have ever been pregnant you know what I mean.  You feel like you haven't eaten in at least 3 years and if you don't eat soon you just might not make it!  I'd been very tired for the past few weeks so it wasn't easy to get up early and get ready to take Nathan to his social group in Norristown.

Emma had been up all night coughing and she wasn't feeling good at all.  Chris and I decided it would be best if she stayed home and I just took Nathan with me.  I dropped Nathan off at school.  He was excited to tell his teachers about the baby. 

Normally Emma is with me and I just hang out with her but this day I was alone.  I was wearing a purple shirt and maternity jeans that were still too big for me.  My other pants were tight and uncomfortable so I just gave in and switched to my maternity jeans for comfort.  I had a belly band that helped to hold them up.  I went to Aldi's to get some groceries.  I talked to my mom and my dad on the phone.  I complained how tired I felt.  I looked around the quiet grocery store wondering where all the other shoppers were.  A man was there buying massive amounts of everything.  I briefly wondered if people thought I looked pregnant or just like I was wearing clothes that were too big.

Next stop was Giant.  I picked up my groceries there and decided to head back to Nathan's school and wait in the parent waiting room.  I thought it would be nice to relax for the next forty minutes until Nathan was done.  Before I went to the waiting room I stopped in the bathroom.  My heart dropped.  Something was wrong.  I rushed back out of the school and to the van.  I sent my mom and Chris a frantic message.  I called my doctor.  It was 10:15.  They said, "Get here by 11:15 before the doctor leaves."

I dreaded pulling Nathan out of his class.  I was trying not to cry and I didn't want to scare him.  I thought it was going to be a royal battle getting him to leave with me.  Amidst tears that were looming in my eyes I told Nathan we had to go.  "Why?  We haven't had our snack time yet."

"Something is wrong with the baby."  That got him moving.  He never questioned me but left right away with me.  He wanted to go with me to see the baby and make sure the baby was all right.  I dropped him off at home with Chris and sped away.  Chris called his mom so he could come with me.  I didn't think he needed to because everything was going to be o.k.  Thank goodness Chris did come with me.

I begged God to keep my baby safe.  I told Him I wasn't strong enough to handle a loss like that.  I wrote about this previously. 

I sat in that waiting room with my heart pounding  I cried because I was afraid.  Chris came just as I was getting into a room.  We talked about the what if's?  But Chris assured me that everything would be fine.  It was probably normal.  The doctor came in.  She also talked about the what if's and that scared me.  I wanted her to just laugh it off and say, "What are you a first time mom?  You know this is o.k."  But she didn't say that.  She did an exam and said, "You might have a torn placenta.  It will heal.  Let's do an ultrasound to be safe.  If things don't look good we will talk after this."

During the ultrasound I kept whispering to Chris and asking him if he saw the baby.  He kept shaking his had no.  I thought it was weird.  I was 11 weeks so he should be able to clearly make out a baby.  Maybe we would even get a picture of our baby to take home.  That would be nice.  But the ultrasound tech was unreadable.  She finally stopped and looked at us.  "I'm sorry.  I don't have good news for you."

I started to cry but I also had hope.  Miracles could happen.  Maybe she meant my baby had down syndrome or something.  But no.  She asked me if I wanted to see the screen and I said yes.  I wish I said no.  I cried and nearly jumped off the table.  I was angry.  I got dressed and they took us back to the waiting room.  Chris held me and I cried harder.  This wasn't happening.  I felt so angry.  The doctor came in and she was so nice.  She said she was sorry but there was probably something seriously wrong with the baby and it hadn't made it.  It had stopped developing weeks ago.  She said many other things but I don't remember much.  I wanted to go home. 

Before we got back we pulled to the side of the road.  "What are we going to tell the kids?"  We discussed it and decided to be honest.  "The baby had died and gone to be with Jesus in heaven."

It's hard to change your way of thinking.  I still felt pregnant.  I still had my pregnancy symptoms.  Just the previous night I couldn't eat pork chops because they made me feel sick.  We had plans for the baby.  Where would the baby sleep?  What would the baby's name be?  It would be good to go to Florida for Christmas because the baby would be four months old and everyone could meet the baby.  We thought about how to pay for having the baby.  Because of the due date and our crazy insurance we would have to pay our deductible TWICE!  A staggering amount.  Chris said he had already begun to think of us as a family of five and not four.  We wondered if we would make it to family camp at Greenwood Hills because it would be so close to my due date.  Our well laid plans were not God's plans.

I have to say looking back I was amazed at the peace both Chris and I felt.  Trust me we were devastated.  But even in our grief and amidst our tears there was peace.  Maybe some will not understand that.  If you don't understand ask me how you can have that peace too.  But a lot of people were praying for us.  People who knew us and loved us and people who did not know us were lifting us up to an Almighty God.  So maybe the peace came from so many praying.  Evidence that prayer does work.  Maybe the peace came because we knew God did have a plan even if it didn't match the ones we had made.  I don't know. 

Our little one will never knows the suffering of earth.  Our little one will never cry or feel hunger or pain.  Our little one went from the womb and straight into the arms of Jesus.  Maybe the peace comes from knowing and having full assurance that we will one day meet our baby for the first time.....

So like I said here we go....we face a future that is unknown to us but fully known to God.  He knows our steps we will take and the heartache and joy awaiting us.

I have been very grateful for family and friends this past week.  My parents came up the day after they found out.  They got on a plane and our friend Keith Keyser picked them up.  Naomi brought us a wonderful meal.  Rose had come over and watched the kids.  Allison came and brought flowers and a card from Nana and herself.  My sister Rachel and Ben took the kids to dinner.  My mom has been helping me cook and clean and take care of the kids.  My dad has been cooking dinner pretty much every night for us.  Chris has been beyond supportive and understanding and he wants to talk about it and acknowledge what happens and the grief we feel. 

The outpouring of love, support, kind words, and prayer has been overwhelming.  We appreciate it more than we could ever say.  Each one of you who has sent a nice note or private message or written on my FB will now be forever written into a part of our story....your kind words have been printed out and will be put in my box of mementos I am making. 

So that's it.  We have to face each new day.  I am starting to feel physically a little better.  Heartache has a way of adding exhaustion on top of an already weakened body.  I am crying's not that we miss the baby less but the grief is not as raw.  We will heal.  We will move on.  But we won't forget.  Our little one was loved from the moment we found out we were pregnant.  And we will still love our baby until the day we finally meet face to the presence of our Savior.   

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


My friend Alice once said, "Grief is physical."  At the time I thought it was a very interesting statement and though it intrigued me I did not truly understand it.  Now I do understand it.  Chris had stomach problems and pain in his stomach for days after we found out our little one was gone.  He had a hard time thinking and concentrating.  I had other physical symptoms associated with my grief.  My eyes were puffy and swollen so much so that I could not wear my contacts for two days.  I had to resort to glasses.  I didn't want to eat and I didn't want to even get out of bed but I also didn't want to be alone.  I had a migraine for days on end and I ended up dealing with a nasty sinus infection too.  I felt like my body was just giving in to everything.

Wanting the process to go naturally, I had planned to have a natural labor anyways, I couldn't imagine I would end up with Chris racing like a mad man to get me to the ER on Tuesday.  Due a complication it became quickly evident that we had to go the ER without delay.  It was such a scary experience and things were so bad I told Chris I loved him and to make sure the kids knew I loved them.  Rose, my mother in law, rushed over faster than even seemed possible and my parents soon joined us at the hospital.  Rachel headed to the house as soon as she was done with work.

I barely made it inside the ER as I felt faint and weak and shaky.  At one point as I lay on the hospital gurney in the ER, amidst the steady beep of my heart monitor and the noise of nurses and doctors going from room to room my mom said " you are dealing with this well emotionally."

First of all I felt too exhausted to cry. Thinking of it medically and what needed to be done medically made me for a moment forget what had been lost.

It was good to have family with me.  Chris stayed with me and my mom and my dad came back to see me.  My sister came to see me and we had a good laugh about a few things. 

When the nurse came to wheel me back she very nicely said "I'm really sorry for your loss." I would have cried and my eyes were wet but I had physically had no energy left to cry. At that point I was faint and dizzy and wasn't thinking straight anyways.

The surgery did not take long but it took a long time to wake me up.  They wanted to keep me overnight but I just wanted to go home. 

When we finally made it home around 2 am I insisted on going to tuck the kids in despite my shaky legs.

As soon as I saw them I wept but this time because of gratefulness. I felt blessed to have them.  I managed to brush my teeth and make it into my bed and once in my bed I wept for what I had.  I then cried for the baby my body labored for that night that we would never hold. It was a strange process.  My body had actually gone into labor trying to finish things off but it was unable.  It made it very painful.  What a strange thing to go into labor but have no baby to hold in my arms.  No finger and toes to count.  No birth announcements to make.

Someone sent me a book called Empty Arms and I highly recommend it to anyone who has had a miscarriage even if yours was years ago.  She writes it from a Biblical view point and I found it healing. 

I have to admit until now I never truly understood what someone went through who had a miscarriage.  Yes, I felt sympathy and would offer a prayer but now we all really understand that miscarrying is a process both physically and emotionally. 

I feel blessed to know the Lord is my Savior and to be able  to lean on His everlasting arms.  I feel secure knowing that when my knees buckle and I can't keep going He will pick me up and carry me.  I wrote this in a book once; Sometimes we have to walk through the valleys because it is only then we can climb the mountain. 

On Thursday when I was driving to the doctor; before I knew what was even happening for sure, I begged God not to take my baby.  I was unaware my baby had been gone for a while already.  I told God I was not strong enough and it would be more than I could handle.

But we what "tell" God and what God knows are two different things aren't they?  God knew even then that I was right.  I was unable to handle the coming days.  I was unable to handle the loss and grief alone.  But God is faithful.  It was as if God said, "You are right, Rebekah, you can't do this.  That's why I am going to hold you when you can't stand.  I will carry you when you can not walk.  I will give you hope when things seem hopeless and light when your day is dark.  I will give you peace that you won't understand.  I will give you family to support you and cry with you.  I will give you brothers and sisters in Christ who will lift you up to My throne.  Some of them will not even know you and will still pray and hurt with you.  And when you are tired I will give you my strenghth." 

Being a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ does not mean I believed I would walk on roses every day.  I have no anger or resentment towards the Lord.  One of the first things Chris and I agreed on was that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Do we still have faith?  Yes! Do we still believe in a loving God?  Yes.  We live in a fallen world full of sin.  If you do not know the Lord as your Savior please ask how you can.  Believe me when I say that even though Chris and I were devastated we both still had peace.  How and why?  It's beyond any explanation.  But we know people were praying for us and that Lord was with us. 

I'm going to end now because I am weary and exhausted and my thoughts are disjointed. 

Psalm 139 gives us assurance that our little one is in heaven today.

13 You created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Jesus Wept

I'm not really ready to write about many things yet. I don't know if I ever will be ready or if I ever will write about it but I am pretty sure at some point I will want to write about all that has happened. I am after all, a writer at heart and writing about things comes naturally to a writer.

But I am ready to write about today.

I went to my doctor office to pick up a lab slip to have my HCG tested to see if it was dropping yet. My mom drove me but I went in alone thinking I was only going to be there a minute to grab the slip and go. But the slip was not ready so I took a seat. But sitting in the waiting room reminded me of Thursday, the day I found out our little one was no longer with us.

I tried to stifle my tears because the waiting room was filled with people. But the more I tried to hold back the harder they came until I was all out crying. A nice woman, a stranger immediately rushed over and sat in the chair next to me and put her hand on my back. She asked if I was o.k. or if I needed a doctor and if I was in pain.

I choked out a reply, "No, I lost my baby. I'm waiting for a lab slip. I just want to leave." She sat with me until a nurse came back and took me to her office to wait for the slip. I guess I was scarring everyone else in the waiting room or something.

My mom felt bad she didn't come in but she didn't know. I didn't know. Just when I think I am o.k. I am not and I cry some more. My mom and I headed to the hospital for the blood test. I couldn't help but remember the days I was wheeled out of that some hospital as a proud mother first with Nathan and then with Emma. But I did not cry. I was happy to remember the joy I felt those days.

I was exhausted emotionally and physically after the blood test so we came right home. I ate a little and then laid on the couch the rest of the afternoon. My dad had taken the kids to something called SuperStars and then to McDonalds.

My mom packed my maternity clothes away for me today and put my pregnancy and maternity books away for me. My dad cooked us all dinner for the second night in a row.

At dinner Nathan asked if I was still sad about the baby. I was honest. I told him I was and I might always be sad because I missed the baby but I was also happy the baby got to go right to heaven.

I asked Nathan if he was still sad. He said he was disappointed because he never got to see the baby and he never got to tell the baby his name or Emma's name or tell the baby he was the big brother before the baby went to heaven. I told him it was o.k. to be sad because even Jesus was sad. I told him even Jesus cried. Nathan seemed surprised. I quoted him the verse "Jesus wept." Nathan wanted to know why Jesus cried. I said it was because his friend Lazarus died. I told Nathan it was all right to feel sad and to cry and to miss people.

It's healing to teach our kids in the midst of our sorrows and to hear their innocent questions and answers. We have all lost something. Chris and I lost a child. My parents and Chris' parents lost a grand baby. Sisters and brothers have lost their niece/nephew. Nathan and Emma lost their new baby brother or sister.

I have nothing else to say really and no special way to end this. I will just end by copying what a friend said because I am sure she will not mind.

I had said, "I don't think this is something anyone ever gets over" and her reply was--I agree, Rebekah. It's like missing ANYONE you were close to who has died, especially suddenly--and no one's closer than a mom and her unborn child. Amount of time doesn't matter. You will miss your child until the day you meet in heaven. In time (the time that YOU need) it will become more "looking forward to" rather than looking back at what could have been. At least that's been my experience....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Who God chooses to use

I am always amazed by who God chooses to use. You would think the God of the Universe would choose to use perfect and just people to accomplish his plans. But no one is perfect. God has used some "interesting" people through the ages to accomplish His plans. People that you and I might say, "God can't use them for anything!"

Nathan's favorite word is "I can't!" but we are trying to teach him "You can!" Some people view others with physical and mental disabilities as lesser people or people who can not possibly contribute to society and though these things might seem disheartening we can always remember how God sees us and how God can use us. Just wanted to share those thoughts. Because God's strength is perfected in our weakness.

Just wanted to share this that has been floating around the Internet...I am sure most have seen it before. (Ps. I copied and pasted this and did not look up the verses so I am assuming they are all correct)

The Next Time You Feel Like God Did Not Make You For A Grand Purpose, Remember:

Noah got drunk, Genesis 9:20-22.

Abraham was too old, Genesis 17.

Jacob was a liar, Genesis 27:19.

Leah was considered ugly, Genesis 29:17

Joseph was abused, Genesis 37:24-36.

Moses stuttered, Exodus 4:10.

Gideon was afraid, Judges 6:21-23.

Samson had long hair and was a womanizer,

Judges 14.

Rahab was a prostitute, Joshua 2:1.

Jeremiah and Timothy were too young,

Jere.1:6-7 and 2Timothy 1:2.

David had an affair and was a murderer,

2Samuel 11:3-27.

Elijah was suicidal, 1King 19.

Isaiah preached naked, Isaiah 20:2-4.

Jonah ran from God, The book of Jonah

Naomi was a widow, Ruth 1:3.

Job went bankrupt, The Book of Job.

Peter denied Christ, Matt.26:69-70.

The Disciples fell asleep while praying, Matthew 26:40.

Martha worried about everything, Luke 10:40.

Mary Magdalene was cleansed of seven demons,

Mark 16:9.

The Samaritan woman at the well had five husbands, John 4:18.

Zaccheus was too small, Luke 19:3.

Paul was too religious, Acts 8:1. (note: I left this in, but am dubious about “too religious”…)

Timothy had an ulcer, 1Timothy 5:23.

Lazarus was dead! John 11.

God desires for you to reach your full potential.

Are you available?

You are not the message. You are the messenger!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Occupational Therapy

So today was Nathan's first time having OT. (Occupational Therapy) Her name is Americ and she is really nice. Nathan nearly talked her to death. After about five minutes she looked at me and said, "You must be exhausted by the end of a day!" I told her he would talk endlessly if she let him and not to feel bad if she had to interrupt him or tell him to stop talking for a little while!

The first thing she did was work on coloring. She made him hold a crayon sideways and color a blue paper with a white crown from top to bottom. He struggled with it and wanted to stop but she kept him going. Next they worked on cutting out a hat, carrot, and smiley face for their snowman. He had a hard time cutting as usual but she showed him how to do it. It was a struggle and he gets agitated when he can't do something as well as he wants. He was mad when he cut the smile face out too small.

Next she did a game with him that he had to grasp some small moving worms. He did pretty good with that.

Next she had him work on lacing some animals with a shoe lace. He didn't like that too much. She was good with him and despite the fact he wanted to give up and complained constantly she kept him going. She believes because he is so smart that he knows what he can and can't do and so he wants to avoid the hard things.

This is going to be important skills for him to master if we want to send him to school. She said he definitely had problems with his fine motor skills and she seems very confidant that she can help him improve. Honestly I hope he can learn to do button and use scissors before he starts school!!

So it was a good day. Now we are waiting for this big snow storm. Chris is gone so I will be in charge of shoveling or snow blowing us out!

Nathan has been very excited about the baby lately. I gave him a magazine that shows what the baby looks like each month so each morning he ask me what month I am in. When I told him three months this morning he was so excited and flipped to see the 3 month picture.

I am grateful we are getting this help now before he starts school and before the baby comes! I think it will really help him out!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Why Do I have a lot of days of stuff to do?

The title comes from my little girl, Emma, who is three. She said "Why Do I have a lot of days of stuff to do?" and it seemed like an appropriate title!

This week has been BUSY! Monday was Nathan's dentist appointment as I wrote about in a previous blog. Tuesday I had my first doctor's appointment which was mostly to take a history and sign paperwork and get my lab slip to get my blood work done. I have to get an early glucose test with that horrible orange drink all because Nathan was such a huge baby when he was born! I have no history of gestational diabetis but they always test me twice after Nathan!

Wednesday I went to a play date at Naomi's house and Ashley came with her three boys. That was a lot of fun and I enjoyed time to talk with the girls.

Today Nathan was taken my some family friends to his social group! The Mawhinny's got up early and showed up at our house before eight to transfer Nathan's car seat and get him settled. They then took him all the way out to Norristown and brought him all the way back...and donuts too! This was so Chris and I could attend a meeting at the school.

Once they get MORE paperwork from us (do you have any idea how many trees must have been killed by now with all the paperwork we have done and or recieved??)...anyways...more paperwork and then the school psychologist will do her own re-evaluation of Nathan and make her own determination. They seemed to be pretty set on him starting Kindergarten but when Chris and I looked through the pamphlets Nathan is already knows all the things it states he will know at the END of his kindergarten year! We really want him to start first grade but I believe we will have to fight for that to happen! They pretty much said it was up to the school board and what they thought.

Tomorrow, Friday, Nathan goes to Theraplay for his first Physical Therapy session. It will be an hour long. I have no idea what Emma and I will do. I wonder what other moms do with their other kids during their appointments? I mean an hour isn't really enough time for us to go the time I get Emma in and out of her car seat and drive somewhere we will have to be back to pick him up! I am thinking a backpack of books I can read with her!

Tuesday Nathan starts Occupational Therapy and the best part is it will be HERE in the home!! Yay!

As far as homeschooling: if I am honest we have not done a thing since Christmas break! First of all we had most of my family here so when they left I had a lot of cleaning to do. Second of all we have had no end of appointments and things to do and haven't been home that much. And third I have the whole pregnant exhaustion thing going on!

Which reminds me: the nurse gave me quite a look when I mentioned I had a hernia repair in Feb. of 08 just above my belly button that still bothers me. When they talked about doing he hernia repair surgery they asked then if we were planning on more kids. I said I don't know because Emma was only like 6 months old! They said they might need to do extra monitoring to make sure the pain is from my hernia and not the comforting she is already assigning me vast amounts of pain as I get bigger and bigger! Yikes!!

So that is life! Interesting as always. My house will pass for passable clean but don't look too close...or in the closets...seriously been too busy and away from home too much and too tired to clean like I should!

My thoughts seem random...I'm not surprised...I have put both the honey and the salt in the refrigerator with my crazy pregnant brain....

"Nobel prize-calibre geniuses often have certain core autistic features at their heart" - Allan Snyder, director of Sydney University's Centre for the Mind.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Through the Ages

O Lord, how magnificent is Your name,
To the ends of the earth I will proclaim!
God who provided for Adam and Eve,
Even after they hid and tried to deceive,
The God of fire and of might,
Who taught the Israelites to fight.
God who endures until the end,
When Nehemiah built the wall again.
God of Esther who had to choose
To risk her life to save the Jews.
You’re the God of David in the Psalms,
Who heals the soul with soothing balms.
God of wrath and a Redeemer to come,
In Isaiah who is Amoz’s son.
The God, the Potter who molds the clay,
This was what Jeremiah had to say.
God of Daniel who had absolute convictions,
The Lord would never give up or forget him.
The God who showed Malachi a coming day
And the love of Jehovah coming his way.
A God who sent His Son as foretold,
In Matthew, Luke, and in John it’s told.
God shares the gospel with a man named Paul,
Who used to go by the name of Saul.
God who shows the Corinthians how to adore,
And how to worship forever more.
The God who says salvation is once for all,
As Galatians learn the difference of grace and law.
God who showed the Ephesians how to walk,
So it was more than just a haughty talk.
A God who gives us hope for a better end,
He’s coming again, says Paul in the Thessalonians.
A God who frees the souls of slaves,
When in Philemon Onesimus is told to behave.
God in Hebrews who shows a new and better way,
“The Lord is my helper,” we may boldly say.
God of James the just who is mentioned by Paul,
Tells us to have faith that is seen by all.
Through Peter and John and even Jude,
We have a God who is just and true.
He’s the God of Revelations who will come again,
Alpha and Omega, the beginning and end.
O Lord God, how magnificent is Your name,
To the ends of the earth I will proclaim!
From the beginning of time and to the end,
Always the Faithful and Loving True Friend

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Poem: Through the Valley

I am not that good at poems so if you are one of those who knows all about timing and correct poem writing and can't enjoy a novice poem...umm don't read this! I write poems on occasion because they come to me...I am much better at stories but can be a good way to express my thoughts even if the delivery is faulty at best...

Through the Valley

Through this valley of grief and woe
I walk on slowly as I go.
My grief is bare and open
My heart is altogether broken.

One step forward in the valley
Not one friend around me rallies.
At the moment I begin to fall
In steps the Master, the Lord of all.

With hands gentle and secure
He bears the load I can’t endure.
With strength I do not possess
He picks me up and bids me rest.

With the Savior I trudge forward,
It’s the mountain I move toward.
Because after every valley I know
We rise higher after we fall low.

The way is hard and full of fear
But my Savior is ever near.
Together we go hand in hand
So on the mountain I might stand.

And if I am weak and want to stop;
He’ll carry me right to the top.
Sometimes we must be brought so low
And through the valley we must go.

These trials must often be endured
So to His side we’ll stay secured.
The anchor is tested in this way.
What are you anchored to today?

When storms do come to our lives
Along with sorrow, grief, and strife;
And threaten to cause us to dismay
It’s then we learn along the way;

That God is faithful in our sorrow too
And He’ll be there to carry you through.
Through the valleys and through the storms,
In His arms we are secure and warm.

Though for a time we are brought low,
Remember it’s only so we might know;
That He brings us low in rags attired
Because it’s through the valley that we rise higher.


May 12, 2009

Monday, January 3, 2011


The word dentist is not a welcome word around Nathan. He had an appointment at three today. With Nathan-prepping is the key! You have to tell him what is going to happen and when and how and that usually works out pretty well. Today I said nothing because I knew his anxiety would hit the roof.

2:15 I had to tell him so I could brush his teeth and get him ready to leave. It was a struggle to get him out the door and into the van and he complained the whole way there and kept saying he wasn't going.

I got him in, he was going to cry until he saw the playroom. He was distracted. All was well. Until they called his name. He started to whimper until the nurse told him he needed to go and pick a prize. (have I mentioned I love this dentist office?)

He sat in the seat and they nicely dimmed the lights. A cartoon was playing so he was happy but the intercom seemed to freak him out. He thought they were "coming for him." ha ha

The nurse was great and explained everything she was going to do. He did o.k. but he did NOT like the sucker thing, he did not like the air blower, and he certainly did not like the water sprayer above all. He cried and whimpered a little while they scraped his teeth.

The doctor wanted to do x-rays and I said, "You can try." Nathan has an insane gag reflex and the films they put in his mouth make him gag and choke him. They took him to the back and a good ten minutes later they returned. They were able to do front x-rays but said they would wait to do back x-rays until he was a little more ready....did I mention my love for this dentist office?

All in all he did pretty good but he felt it was a stressful and a "hard day." Tonight Nana came over and tried to play Candy Land but that was a tearful experience.

So, if you have a kid with autism or Aspergers or any kid for that matter who struggles with the dentist my key piece of advice is: find a good dentist! I could travel 5 min and get to a dentist but instead I drive half an hour to go to this one because they are just that awesome!

I would say Nathan did better than I thought. He was worn out and will sleep well. Sometimes I wonder if Nathan realizes how much his Aspergers interferes with him having fun or if he is oblivious. He does smile and he does have fun but on day like today when it is a total stress fest for him I wonder if the stress will eventually take a toll on him. I mean isn't stress something for adults? Not five year olds! Oh well!

On with our adventure!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

"I love you, mom."

"I love you, mom!" How many of you have heard this from your kids? Makes you smile huh? Emma tells me all the time how much she loves me and that I am just like the Little Mermaid Ariel...she loves Princesses....she tells me I am a good cooker! ha ha

Nathan....not so much. When you say, "I love you, Nathan," he very often replies, "Yeah." But the last two weeks he seems to have opened up a little more. he went up to my mom, his MeMa, and told her he loved her. Then he told Chris he loved him one night, unprovoked. Last night he came up to me and said, "I love you, Mom," and again tonight. For most it would be something they had heard a lot of times. For me....much more rare from Nathan. Sometime he would say it if I would coax him like, "Do you love mom?" and he would reply, "Yeah I love you." But these last few times he just said it out of the blue!

Today we went to Nana's house for lunch and stayed until about 5:30. Nana has a lot of special and breakable things through out the house. Nathan was in the backroom when we heard a crash followed by some desperate sounding whimpers. I heard Nathan burst into tears so we went to investigate. He had broken a Belleek vase of Nana's! Ouch! He was so upset! I know you might be saying, "yeah of course he was upset because he broke something." As weird as this sounds Chris and I were standing there in shock and near joy with his absolute remorse. It's not that we enjoy him upset and crying but the fact is he was remorseful! Do you know how many times Nathan has broken something or messed something up and never showed the least little bit of sorrow or remorse for what he had done? He had no care or concern for how the person might feel after he broke their object. But tonight he was crying and so sad!

Nana was great. She held him and hugged him and told him she wasn't mad at him and that she was glad only the vase was hurt and not him. She said she could replace the vase but he was irreplaceable.

Nathan cried for a good long time. I think he loves his Nana very much. They are very close and breaking something that was special to her really got to his heart. I know it may seem like a crazy thing to say but Chris and I saw progress tonight and actually smiled at each other amidst Nathan's ongoing tears. Why? Because Nathan cared and showed he cared that he broke something of his Nana's.

2010 my daughter turned three. A month before my son's 5th birthday he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Chris and I found out we were expecting baby number 3. These are just a few of the things that happened in 2010. It is a new year now....

Now facing a new year I know that the Lord is still faithful to see us through. Step by step and day by day the Lord is there leading and guiding us. We expect great things for little Emma who is so stubborn and cute and 3 going on 16. And great things for Nathan who has an amazing mind and yet struggles with his emotions and showing emotions. And we meet this new year with hope.................